Jingle Bells

So recently a friend remarked to me that she can't really "tell what I've been up to" by reading my blog, because I don't really talk about what's been going on. Hm, why not give it a try.

So I've been on holiday for almost a week now - though it feels like much more than a week has passed since we overcame (or rather, were overcome by) our last paper, Professional Writing.

Christmas season was an especially happy one this year - I had a great dinner at home on the 24th. It was very nice to be able to pitch in my little skill-less help into the less-than-frenetic-as-usual Christmas dinner preparations. The dinner itself was really pleasant as I got to meet up with many old kawan-kawans and make new friends too.

Christmas itself was a really special day - Melaka Gospel Chapel put together an excellent Christmas Night. Besides being well prepared, I felt that it was genuine and sincere from start to finish - really touching and an appropriate way to present ourselves to the community.

On Boxing Day, a few of us participated in the Melaka Charity Run 2010. Clocked an okayy time of 28 minutes considering that I was running blind and didn't pace myself so well for the start. More importantly, a few of my churchmates ran their first ever race, which is always an awesome experience. Hope that they'll discover running to be a fulfilling endeavour just as I have.

So what have I been doing since then? Well, things have been pretty slow :( I've been reading a lot, especially some editions of The Economist. It's so analytical and insightful to the extent where I really really enjoy reading it. The level of reporting from our sycophantic mainstream media really pales in comparison.

Besides that, there hasn't been anything particularly fruitful about my post-Christmas. I've been progressively waking up later and later (10am today).

At the same time, Year 2 sem 3 has already begun to metaphorically knock on our doors. Our lecturer for Malaysian Literature in English has already emailed us one of our assignments, which is to write a critical review/analysis of a locally produced play. Ding dong!

The next semester may be a fortnight away, but it's there waiting for me: Fresh responsibilities in Kampar Gospel Hall, a potentially challenging academic semester, a running club to start, races to run, a Fellowship to be a part of, a committee to hand over and hopefully, more meaningful relationships to be made and deepened.

But that's for the future - I'd better settle the present first. Tomorrow, I'll get up early, go for a run, walk the dog, go for an early breakfast with parents and come back to clean the house before I let myself go reading again. And to top it all off, I'll end the day by watching Liverpool vs Wolves - don't let me down, mates!

Let's bring some order to our private lives.

The 20th Birthday Mile

If life is like a marathon, then I suppose that birthdays must be the distance markers along the route.

Twenty!!

Well, I've just hit the 20 mile marker on what I suppose must be my ultra-marathon of undefined distance. But hey, so what's the deal with birthdays and distance markers?

One thing about birthdays and distance markers, they're not really anything in themselves. Unlike bread, water and power gel stations, or toilets, they don't physically supplement you with anything. That is to say, if I were an organic robot that still needed nourishment, I would still need all of these things, but not the distance markers.

By the same virtue, birthdays are not things in themselves. They are not like lectures, tutorials, training sessions, sermons, exams or graduations. In other words, they're not what "really counts".

In spite of this, most runners think distance markers are important, and most people think birthdays are very important! Why?

The analogy continues. Distance markers help you know where you stand in a race. By knowing your time and distance traveled, you can tell whether you've run the race well thus far. Have things gone according to plan? Are you where you think you should be? Then you can make adjustments - whether to increase your pace or slow down if you're going too fast. For a junior runner like me, I get the kicks from seeing distance markers because it makes me think: "Wow! I've actually ran this far!".

I think you see where I'm going now. How you run near the distance marker isn't minutely as important as how you run the last 5km. How you live your birthdays then are nothing much in themselves - what is most important is how we live our other 364 days. But then again, we're human, and humans need milestones. Humans need to think and reflect on how they've been living and where they're heading. Birthdays are a special time that does that for you, if you let it.

My 20th birthday has probably been the best ever, not because of the celebrations, which were muted because of the exams. It's the best because of how I've run since the last distance marker. I started this marathon poorly, you know (most of us do), but I've finally learnt the secret of how to run a real race and I've been running like never before.

So I have two birthday wishes: one for myself and one for you, my friend.

The first, that I keep learning how to run better and better until the day I reach the finish line. Preferably, I won't stop.

The second is that we'll all be together there at the end.

Soulmate

Am I that different?

I think I'm certainly unique, but at the same I'm not really that one of a kind.

Errr..

Am I contradicting myself?

Oh yes! Paradox. But whatever la. To me, how I see myself isn't that important. It is written, "For where you treasure is, there your heart is also" - meaning that which we seek as the object of our desires will in turn define who we are.

So what do I want most of all?

Sometimes I get really lonely. Not lonesome (which implies being miserable), but lonely. It is normally the result of spending a protracted period of time contemplating scripture. This is no joke. I will get filled with the desire of wanting to pour everything out to someone, but at the same time I feel that guarded feeling of being unable to tell anyone.

What I need/want is a soulmate(s). You know, people that I can tell absolutely everything to, and who would understand more than I can put in words. By the same token, I'd hopefully do the same for him/her.

Of course, the world isn't just divided into a dichotomy of soulmates vs others. After becoming a real Christian I've come to be in fellowship with many brothers and sisters. In Christ we have a very special thing in common which runs so deep - it cannot be compared to stuff like being fans of the same football club or having similar tastes in music.

This is why it perplexes me that not all Christians are instantly my soulmates. I have met Christians that I feel an incredible resonance with. And I've experienced such resonance with lots of authors through their written work too.

Perhaps it is because while our struggles are common, each fight is unique. Our battles against sin are different, because we have different propensities towards different kinds of temptations. Our backgrounds are varied.

And then there's also the fact that the world isn't divided into a dichotomy of Christians and non-Christians either. Rather, there is a spectrum that we all fall in at one point or another. After all, this has to be the case if we are to make sense of the fact that we constantly want to grow to be more like Christ (and therefore more Christian) every day.

I used to have a soulmate. Then circumstances pulled us apart, and our walks are different now.

I think it's okay to want companionship - that is a very primal desire that God puts in us. Of course, as I always say, our desires are Godly if put in line with the Creators' original purpose: to bring us closer to Him.

This is maybe why I think God is putting me through this arid stage of life. I think He wants me to draw closer to Him, and to find my desire for a soulmate fulfilled in Him. He certainly does fit the bill, in ways even greater than I expect.

It's His way of reminding me that His grace is, was, and always will be sufficient for me.

He Stands at the Door and Knocks

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me"

- Revelations 3:20

"Here, then, is the crucial question which we have been leading up to. Have we ever opened our door to Christ? Have we ever invited him in? This was exactly the question which I needed to have put to me. For, intellectually speaking, I had believed in Jesus all my life, on the other side of the door. I had regularly struggled to say my prayers through the key-hole. I had even pushed pennies under the door in a vain attempt to pacify him. I had been baptized, yes and confirmed as well. I went to church, read my Bible, had high ideals, and tried to be good and do good. But all the time, often without realising it, I was holding Christ at arm's length, and keeping him outside. I knew that to open the door might have momentous consequences. I am profoundly grateful to him for enabling me to open the door. Looking back now over more than fifty years, I realise that that simple step has changed the entire direction, course and quality of my life"

John Stott

Reading this excerpt was moving indeed, as it made me remember the day I opened the door. And now I wonder how many of you reading this used to be like me, or used to be like Mr Stott.

Just Follow Law

“Follow law la... no choice what!”

Some people like to talk like this, and they mean to say that laws are non-optional. You don’t have a choice!

But I don’t think so - laws are always optional, because you can always choose to break it what. However, you can say that laws are non-negotiable. In that it means that when you break a law, there is a logical follow up or consequence.

Now, we Christians have a law – it’s called the law of Christ and it is summed up simply as a “commandment to love others” (Galatians 6:2, c.f. John 13:34). In the same way as with other laws, this is optional but non-negotiable. It’s optional in that you can choose not to care about others, or not to even care about trying to love one another, that is clear.

Yet, how is it non-negotiable? Look at the words “law” and “commandment” – the Bible isn’t joking around. The fact is, if you want to prove that you are His disciples, or in other words, ‘Christians’, then you have to love one another (1 John 2,3). Not negotiable. If you choose to take the option of not actively loving others rather than being obsessed with yourself, then sorry, the consequence is that you forfeit your right to be called a Christian in its fullest sense.

Not because I say so, but because Scripture says so. Look into it and prove me wrong if you think otherwise.

I’m not out to brand some as ‘real’ Christians and some as ‘fake’ – I have no such divisive purposes. All I want you to do is ask yourselves whether you’re living up to God’s name (Christ-ians bear the name of God in their titles) or you’re just pretending.

You figure it out for yourselves, and if you still can’t, ask Him – He sure know one.

Wake up!

Sleeeeeeeeeep. We've been doing a lot of it (some of us more, and some of us less :P) our whole lives, but we still don't get bored of it. I know I'd get bored if I tried playing 7-8 hours of StarCraft 2 a day for all my life for a year a couple of months just a single day, so obviously sleep must be super good right. I think. Whatever.

With too much stuff to do that tends to give me late nights, this sem has been a killer for my sleep life. For now I'm healthy as ever, but I know for sure I shouldn't keep this up for too long. Thank goodness short semesters end at Week 7, and now that there's no classes for some time I can stabilize my sleep.. I think.

Sleep early, wake up early, run!

Home

Today at Bible Study/Prayer Meeting we sang a few songs. Many of them were about the life that is to come, and the hope we place in them - with one in particular that really moved me.

It's an old country song, like all the songs that we sang during the meeting - and though I've been exposed to many modern worship songs with elaborate instrumental arrangements, I don't ever recall being so moved by a single song before in a long, long time. So we sang together in that room (no harmonizing) with Uncle Samson hacking away at his guitar:

"This world is not my home, I'm just a-passing thru'

My treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue,

The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

O Lord, I know I have no Friend like you

If Heaven's not my home, O Lord what will I do?

The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore."

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqRpyG0W96k&feature=related)

Today has been a different day for me. As you might be able to tell from my previous post, I've been thinking about all the things I've been getting involved with around me. Just today, I celebrated a sister's birthday, I ran 11km with the uncles, I read Scripture, I started planning for a big upcoming event, I thought about next week's CF session that I'll also be co-chairing and I went to Bible Study/Prayer Meeting to have fellowship and to build the church.

Yes, these are all things I value. I value my brothers and sisters, and my friends. I value the challenge of improving myself through running. I value these events that I believe can enrich other people's lives, as a corollary of being light and salt. I value the CF as the Christian presence on campus. I value the church that so gracefully accepted me and gave me a foundation of fellowship in Kampar. I value the experience of deepening one's insight in His word.

Yet, at a moment like this all of these are overwhelmed with a singular longing, which is to be in Heaven at the side of Jesus - who is a dear friend like no other

"Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Commitments

I don't think there's a single thing that I'm involved in or that I'm busy with that I don't believe in.

In fact, I only say yes to things that I have a real conviction about: things that I really believe in and are important to me.

The problem is, I realize that this isn't exactly the best modus operandi either because the ideal situation is that we have many convictions - about God, about society, about our academic life, about our family and even about the environment, but if we start heavily involving ourselves in every single thing that we have convictions about, we'll probably just be overworked and maybe produce poor results in many of those things.

"See a need, meet a need" - not a motto that we can operate with. There is just too much need in this broken and incomplete world - too much even for everybody to handle, and what aggravates matters is that only a minority of people are stepping up to the plate.. I'm not sure what the rest are doing.

So how ah? On my own part, I need to assess priorities while I still can while asking God for strength. And well, if you're reading this and you feel that you're not doing much.. wanna give it a shot?

The Small Gate and the Narrow Road

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

These days it has really struck me just how small the gate and narrow the road it really is - and it makes me feel very sad indeed, that so many people don't want to find it.

But you know what? In spite of being small and narrow, it is very beautiful, and the place that it leads to is even more beautiful.

Sometimes I don't know why people don't walk this way, and I don't know why people can't even take their eyes off that big path that leads to destruction. It makes me think of the winding, mazy path that leads to that beautiful sanctuary of Rivendell, in contrast with the colossal black gate that leads to the black lands of Mordor.

But I guess that's where we come in. I'm not exactly the best guide, but I do know the way to the narrow path, because the greatest Guide of all has brought me there. Through I know how to get there, it might be quite hard for me to lead others, but then maybe in the midst of trying, the original Guide will appear and take over - He knows I'm not that good on my own.

Thank God for God

Strictly speaking, there is a distinction between help that comes from God and help that comes from the people around you. However, we can't ever limit His flexibility, and I dare say I thank God for being who He is, and bringing the right people at the right time to come and say the right words and do the right things, totally without realising it.

Thank you God for being God, and when the chips are down my short-sightedness gets a little better and I can see You for who You are.

Who will He send me next, a Timothy to nurture, or a Paul to rebuke? Maybe Priscilla and Aquila to show care, or an Epaphras to be a fellow-prisoner. Perhaps even a nameless good Samaritan.

Never limit God, my friends, and never limit how He uses the people in your midst.

Open Invitation

In our most recent CF meeting we were challenged by the Andrew & Mun Yee (invited speakers) to think of whether we had wronged anyone and apologize to them, but only if we were ready to do so.

I couldn't think of anyone that I might have wronged in any real way. This is quite worrisome for me :(

I couldn't think of anyone who has really wronged me either.

Mun Yee added a twist later on by suggesting that we also think of who we want to thank, if we were ready...

The sensation was like a flood. So many of the brethren in the room had done something real and good for or to me at one point or another.

At any rate, I kept my silence, except to reciprocate when people came to thank me for something.

Somehow I guess I didn't think it was the right time for me to start thanking others - I'd rather let things first come to their full measure, or wait for that inevitable point in time when, as dear friends who've walked together, we have to part ways.

Yup, graduation, whether it's other's or mine, we would have to part.

And I don't want to leave things hanging. It's still quite worrisome that I can't think of any way in which I've really wronged any of you.. but if I did, it's not what I intend or want (present tense here)

So I beseech you guys to tell me in case I'm dumb enough not to notice - cos I'm quite dumb what. Let's not leave anything unsettled before we part, for your sake and for mine. Please?

How do you measure a heart?l

How do you measure a heart, and what is its’ worth?

Occasionally we hear it said that we are to seek God with all our heart, and that it is our hearts that God desires.

But somehow, I catch myself wondering whether my heart is of any worth at all to begin with.

I tell you the truth, because the truth is at least something of real value that I know I can give.. and the truth is I don’t really understand what is in a heart to begin with.

”The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

Are we measured by the intensity of our feelings? Or defined by the things that we long for? What?

In spite of the fact that I have no understanding, my heart is dear to me and I feel it… and somehow I also feel that this alone isn’t enough. I really do.

And this is an idea that I’ve been struggling and praying about for some time, so that now something has occurred to me, and it is this:

I think that we are somehow wired to think that being alone is insufficient. There is no such thing as absolute independence. The fact that my heart is dear to me alone is not enough to live with and I think that this is the same for you too, dear reader. What we crucially need lies beyond this, and is to know that our hearts are dear to others.

This is why people without love or people who do not realize that they are loved, live in such a broken manner. This is why people with a loving family are more likely to stand tall in times of trial. This is also why people of the world pursue romantic love as the highest ideal and as the pinnacle of what it means to be human.

We Christians, we’re different, though. It is our commission to love one another, but we believe that this desire for Another and for our hearts to be recognized and cherished by that Other, isn’t put into us simply for us to find its fulfillment through worldly or humanly means that do not last.

This thirst for love is to direct us to our Lord, who himself said:

“Everyone who drinks shall be thirsty again, but whomsoever shall drink the water I give unto him shall never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

John 4:14

If you’re reading this and you also have that thirst for love, then you needn’t thirst any longer. There is a God of Love with enough for all of us. If He carried me, I know that He will carry you too. All you need to do is ask Him. This is also the Truth.

For myself, this Truth makes me realize that yes, my heart is of great value! Simply because the Lord asks for it first above all the others things that are in my possession.

And this also is the Truth.

A square peg in a round hole.

Yes, so I realize my thoughts are rather esoteric.

But it remains that they are mine, and are part of what makes up who I am.

At first I thought that this makes it harder for me to bridge the gap between the hearts and minds of others and myself... but then hor, this is only partially true.

Being different doesn't stop me from understanding others, I think, not when I make a phenomenal effort (at the very least, an effort effort effort!) to listen and be able to empathize with others

But what about whether people can understand me?

Uhh.. I think it will be very nice la, because everybody wants to be understood, and I am no exception but while it's important, maybe it's also not that important.

After all, who am I? At the very least I am certain that I want to devote myself to others, and in doing so, must I not logically seek to love, more than to be loved, and to understand, more than to be understood?

That at least I can do, I think.

And maybe it is worth something, to be a glimmer of light in the deep.

How I fell in love

Some people describe life as a journey.

In many ways they are right, but I do think that at some points the analogy breaks down. For one thing, it is certainly not exactly a continuous journey like in the picture above.

For some reason we can backtrack some parts we've walked earlier, and for some reason, we HAVE to! Here is where the paradox lies, that sometimes in backtracking a little, we progress further in the journey of life.

In my life, there are some parts I know I should never go back to. Those rocky parts of the road where I was childish, selfish, stupid, arrogant, a liar... you name it. The memory endures, of course, and by doing so always makes me aware of the grace that God has granted me - that He would choose someone who had walked such paths. I would be lying unless I said that those traces of those elements in themselves also endure, though I'd like to think that every day I've been casting them away as I empty myself of myself and try to fill it with Christ.

But the particular stretch of road that I need to find again is simply this: How I fell in love with Him in the first place. It is that crucial intersection that has originally brought me to the path I'm currently walking. Being a person constantly doing things, I need to remember why I'm doing these things in the first place.

Today I went to Sunday school to help out. It's been 2-3 months since I've officially "retired" as a Sunday school helper/teacher at Kampar Gospel Hall. I retired after trying to serve for more than a year and yet feeling unsuited for the ministry, due to my limited linguistic capabilities. That was also the time when I was giving my all for the Christian Fellowship.

I think my decision still stands: God has given me sturdy convictions about the Christian Fellowship and without any shame I say that the passion I have shown to this date speaks for itself. At the same time, my Cantonese or Mandarin still hasn't been getting to the level required of a Sunday school teacher here in Kampar.

But something remarkable happened today in Sunday School.

It was nice talking to all the kids again, and talking to the parents. Even Sau Yee, the girl who calls me "Zirafah" seems to have grown taller. Being exceptionally tall for a standard 2 girl, I wonder if she herself will be a giraffe one day.

I didn't do anything important. Uncle Samson played the guitar. I basically did sai kang: move stuff, clean stuff, help one kid remove his sticky lollipop wrapper.. and of course simply be their friend. Since I haven't been to Sunday School in a while, some of them missed me.

And yeah, I missed them too.

Oh, I said something remarkable happened right? Ok la maybe it's not that remarkable, but in a weird way, it is to me.

Sunday School was how I began "serving God" here in Kampar. It was different for me because I've been awkward everywhere I've been up till the point when I arrived here, but here it was like starting afresh, and I started by working with the children. Until I came to Kampar, I was far from an exemplary Christian, and had no real concept of serving God in my life.

Yet here I am, with a heart to serve. Not that I am worthy, or not that I deserve anything, but simply because I have been chosen.

And it all started there, with those little kids up on the cemented upper floor of the church building. I tell you ah, I really love them so much.

And in remembering that again, somehow I've moved another step ahead.

Happy Birthday Ma

A few days ago was my mom's birthday, and I wrote this for her.

-------

Hi Ma, this is for you:

Specially for Mama

My Mummy was born on this day years ago

A little baby in Singapore

And at that time, how lil’ did she know

The things she had in store

She grew up - a baby into a lady

And one day met my Pa

When they fell in love she didn’t say maybe

Got married in Malaysia

There must have been many an adventure

Inserted into their story

Each memory itself a jeweled treasure

They submit to the Father’s glory.

Yet there must be a particular highlight

Something above the rest

A part of Ma’s life that nothing can fight

Her children: they are the best!

Not that I’m giving myself applause

I couldn’t stoop so low

But I think we are the best because

Mama treated us so.

-------

Hi ma, thank you so much for loving us and caring for us so far in our lives.

I don’t know how I can ever repay you in any real way – but I know I can try my best to be a good man of God that both you and Papa can be proud of. I just like you to know that I know both you and Papa always try to be the best parents you can be for us and I’ll continually look forward to those times when I can come home. Do not worry, whatever place Mama and Papa are at will always be home to us, just as we are always your children.

Your beloved son, Ah Derk

Honestly

"Assuredly I say unto you, whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God as a child will by no means enter it"

What I need is..

Less pride and more real humility.

Less doubt and more love,

Less of myself and more of others,

And more of God.

Home, with a difference.

Here I am, home in Melaka.

It's always a little unreal to be back. I always get this feeling like I haven't been back in a long time. It's an awkward confluence of both the familiar and the alien - I somehow feel that I am a stranger, but a stranger in a place that is steeped with memories and connections. And after a short while of floating in a distance, I settle back into those familiar memories and connections - and I'm home again.

The truth is that I've been here a mere 3 weeks ago during study break, but as I always say, our experience of time is not simply a matter of the passing of seasons or of hours or of days - it is also a matter of what happens within that physical span of time.

A significant three weeks? Why, certainly. I grappled with exams and tried (and to a large extent failed) to focus with the kind of concentration that I aspire to. I presented all my worries, anxieties, cares and supplications to Him. I grew much closer in my walk with many of the brethren here. I grew to rely on Him all the more, and He chose to reveal to me more about the kind of man He wants me to be - not simply a collection of abstract principles but a concrete manifestation of these ideals.

There was the committee retreat, where I decided to never again back down from confronting our problems. I will pray, think, talk, discuss and ACT upon them. We cannot let this slide. When you see the smoke, do not say that there is no fire - look for it and put it out, because the fire burns the tree which is the family of God, and that is far too precious to me and to us and most of all, to Him.

So yes, in a few hours, I will settle down again into the familiarity of Home, but this time, it is Home with a difference, that I am here to make myself different for Him. Can I walk closer with Him in the next 11 days, and in doing so be genuinely nearer to being a true man of God?

I commit myself to persevering in His word, and in doing so, may I bear fruit that is pleasing in His eyes. Please pray for me.

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

And there it is, I see it and understand.

Still Awake

In the middle of the night

Not a single soul in sight

Not the slightest sound to hear

So what can there be for me to fear?

But though all sense and feel be naught

There’s a sense that can’t be fought

Lay there deep within a man

Surpassing doubt, thought or plan

In it I am found, and equally lost

Past all prize and beyond all cost

It purrs and burns in no small part

It is the cry of the deep, dear heart.

Buy the Truth and do not sell it

I can understand why people say "Ignorance is bliss", but this is more the lament of a broken-hearted person rather than a life principle that we can live by.

Does the truth cause heartache? It certainly does, in some situations. But I do know also that people's hurts are very often exacerbated by the fact that they've been living in the lie longer. If I were to draw another graph, the longer you've been in the lie, the more hurtful it'll be when you realize the truth.

The truth can hurt, but I would say that ignorance hurts more.

Truth(s), be they absolutes or relatives (and let's not get into an epistemological spat here) are things that exist externally from ourselves. It's there, whether we like it or not, and I think when we love the truth, accept it and live by it, then our lives become more real (or should I say, become more true).

"I am the way, the truth and the life," He says, and so we see here how being the way and the truth and the life are not concepts that exist independently but are intrinsically related. Follow the way which is (and because it is) the truth that brings life.

Am I just talking about some abstract Christian principle here? Well in a way I obviously am, but don't buy into the misconception that not everything about Christianity has to do with all our lives (and by all our lives I mean ALL). My conviction is that everything in the Bible is very personal and relevant to all of us, it is just a matter of how we understand it.'

Let's have a "real life" example, just to illustrate my point. For one thing, I was ignorant about just how hard the Research Methodology final paper is, until Renjie instigated me to go check out the past year papers. It was pretty shocking and I am sure with the level of understanding I had yesterday I would've screwed it up pretty badly.

Knowing the truth of the matter helped unsettle me and galvanize me to study harder: which is what I've been doing and which is what I'm gonna do for the rest of today. I do wish I knew a little earlier but hey, no point thinking about that, I'm just gonna make the best out of the hours I got left. If it's going to be a battle, I'd like to at least know I'm in it for one.

In conclusion, we must not only accept but actively seek the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may make us.

"Buy the truth and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline and understanding."

King Solomon, Proverbs 23:23

Research Methodology & HIMYM

Since I am studying for my Research Methodology paper, which is on Tuesday, I thought I'd do a pilot project on something that appears to be increasingly relevant in our modern society.

Basically, How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) is an American situation comedy that is six seasons long - kind of like Friends except that it's just legendddd-dary. Lots of people are watching it these days, including UTAR students studying for their finals.

Now kids, the story of how i met How I Met Your Mother is a story I'm gonna have to save for some other time - suffice to say that I blame it all on florencetina.

But I've stopped watching for some time now thanks to a combination of exam pressure, an increased passion for music and *coughcough* that florence didn't give me the whole set so I've watched what I have finish liao :3

Back to Research Methodology now, I've come up with a study that has revealed some shocking (well, not really) statistics about the relationship between student's GPA and watching HIMYM. This is a longitudinal study over the course of three weeks from the beginning of study week.

The results are shown below.

Having watched four seasons, it would appear as if I am heading towards a negative GPA this semester. I'm hoping that the external validity of this study is screwed up.

N.B. No respondents were harmed during the course of this study. I think.

Wah lao weh

Argh I can feel myself falling asleep already.

Two papers down and 3 to go, and I got 6 days before my next one.

Today's paper was quite okay I guess - I DO have my complaints about the paper, but I'll save it for the next time I meet Mr. Soh, if I complain I ought to complain in a constructive manner.

Sibeh tiring lah, *Yawns*

Now that I've got some gap time, I hope to able to keep this space alive a little. Blogs can be really nice thing if we fill it up meaningfully.

So what's up with exam seasons? It sure is a really awkward time, huh?

I can be so inconsistent during exam season, I feel. One moment I feel like it'll all be fine, one moment I feel a little guilty about not studying enough, one moment I feel great, one moment I feel kancheong, or one moment, like now, I feel like I just want to collapse into bed.

Well, there are a few things I've committed to that have been working out - I've been reading my Bible and setting aside time for prayer every day now even when I don't feel like it.

The right mood or feel or passion or whatever you call it - that can be important but what we have to learn is commitment and perseverance. Emotions will be emotions, you can let them lift you as high as they will, but what will keep you up when the cyclic waves turn downwards?

At any rate, it's bed time.

Sleep tight.

Sometimes,

Sometimes

I'm all head and no heart

Sometimes

I just lose my head

So everything falls apart

Why do I think I'm a walking contradiction. Looks like I need to go looking again.

Declaration of Dependence.

It is the 27^th of August, 2010. Although Malaysia’s national day is in 4 days time, yesterday was the special occasion that I declared my own, personal “Independence Day”.

This is because I finally submitted my PTPTN documents and finished my last piece of coursework (a presentation). “Independence” might be too strong a word to use in this case – the saga is from over. My complexified PTPTN application process (irregular qualifications) is still subject to some board meeting that will finally decide on whether its valid or not (oh, wishy washy administration! D: ) and finals begin in just over 2 weeks!

Still, it felt incredible to finally get this all over with – I’m going to take a break this weekend to catch up on my sleep, prepare for next week’s CF and oh yeah, I’m teaching in KGH’s Youth Fellowship this weekend. Just a rest-up before plunging myself into exam season.

But I guess I really want to make this post because of a few things that I’m pretty grateful for, and a few things that I’ve become aware of.

Lots of things happened when I was applying for the loan. First of all, the loan is important to me but straight up I admit I got could be less negligent about things – such as how I didn’t print the explanatory notes for ‘O’ and ‘A’ level results (which was required because its not a Malaysian qualification) and how I didn’t know I had to strike out this or that. And my signing & agreement session was the last day (set aside for the FAS) and I went pretty late (had a presentation before).

In the end, they had to take so long to process my unusual application that I just sorta made it in time before they closed. In that case I’m grateful that somehow, when I was lining up, the line suddenly moved super fast so that I could reach the officer in time to find out that I needed the exp notes and so had the time to go back, fetch, copy and certify them. And I mean like, the 3 rows moved in 10 minutes, as opposed to in the morning when it reportedly took an hour to move 3 rows of applicants!

As I began walking back to Westlake in my full formal attire (black) and under the scorching sun, the only thought going through my mind that I was immensely thankful to God that I had like 1.5 hours to come back with the documents – it would only take me about 45 minutes if I walked quickly and then cycled from home. Hot? Nevermind loh, its like that one mah.

It’s at that moment when I heard a “Beep!” sound coming from behind – it was Mr Renu’s car horn.

“Ngee Derk! What’re you doing walking? Come in la!”

MANNN I was really really happy at that moment and in the end, I managed to submit all my documents without a hitch and talk with the PTPTN officers, who were really nice and helpful people.

So what’s the point of this rather long story? That night, Eric, Renjie, Edmund and I met up for worship practice and Eric chose to begin by asking us about where we stand in our walk with God. His point was that if we’re going to lead with worship we need to examine our relationship and set ourselves right before Him (among many other points). I felt it was good of him to think this way – I wonder how many people are conscious of the gravity of what worship means before they “go about” it – and having a sound relationship with Him gives you that consciousness, I think.

“For obedience is better than sacrifice”

Furthermore, to conduct a worship “session” in a manner pleasing to God we would have to be very much worshipping in the fullest sense of the word – which is a matter of how we choose to think, act, speak and live in respect to Him.

So I thought about what had happened earlier that afternoon. God really surprises a lot you know, and sometimes you don’t pray for certain needs (because you either don’t expect them or rather, as in my case, I think sometimes I’m too silly to realise I need some things) but God knows them perfectly and does as He sees fit.

Conversely, sometimes we pray for things that we don’t need or that might even be bad for us. Sometimes we know it’s bad for us but we still pray for it. Stupid, right? But that’s what we are from time to time. In my case, God has made sure I didn’t get them, and much later gave me the realization that such requests are not good for me anyway.

Of course, I always insert the clause “Let Your will be done” and “Do as You see fit” in my prayers, because I understand that God’s ways are far above that of Men. So maybe I’m not TOO stupid. Ok ok *pats myself on the back*

Praying is not simply a matter of gratifying or satisfying wants, as some people might sometimes put it. I think, prayer teaches us a lot about God and how He wants to relate to each and every one of us. It pulls us closer to abide in Him because He reminds us of just how much we are living by His grace and not our own strength. And I think I can think of nothing better to ask for than what has already been given: His grace and salvation that comes through Jesus Christ.

This is my Declaration of Dependence – to gladly accept the hand that is stooping down from much higher places to just to give us that lift that we can’t get by ourselves.

So, will my PTPTN loan be passed and accepted? Will I make it past the finals well enough? What about next semester, or the next? What about the upcoming Evangelistic Meeting, the Christian Fellowship, or Kampar Gospel Hall? What will I do after graduating?

The answers will come in time but I think you know where or from whom I will seek them.

The sun rises on a new day

"I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me - ....

... I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel. Peace, peace to those far and near," says the Lord, "and I will heal them"

And so there's hope for all of us - not because of anything we've done or can do, but by grace.

Going Up and Coming Down

Sometimes you go somewhere looking for something, and find something else.

And to your surprise, what you find might be of more valuable than the thing you seek.

As a brother from Tanah Rata shared, our God is a God of surprises.

Jensen thought he was getting away from all the birthday-ish stuff by going up. He didn't quite get to, and found a Guns & Roses CD instead. Haha.

But seriously. I went up Cameron full of expectations about relaxing and having a lot of unconventional fun. I went up seeking respite from what has frankly been a few unbearable weeks, in terms of workload (at least, according to my admittedly low threshold of what constitutes 'unbearable'). Now I DID find it, but I also realized something more.

Come to me, all you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I shall give you rest

How ironic then that most of the work that has been bonking me out centers around His ministry. I really need to think and pray about how I approach this. On one hand, we are not to be fair-weather Christians - but well, if the extent of work jeopardizes my own personal walk with God, then I either need to handle my time better or learn how to say No to more responsibilities, or both.

I fell sick in Cameron, and I had to be sent to the hospital to be treated. Now normally you'd see that as a pretty big bummer right? I suppose it was, for the parts when I was like ughhhdyingggg like on the way to the hospital and when I was being treated, but you know ah, it's not really a bad thing you know.

In a really weird way, I was sorta happy as I lay sick on the bed in our chalet. My friends were taking such good care of me I couldn't have smiling. It's like being at home. 4 years in CJCH and a year in Westlake and I don't recall being taken care of so well. That's the worst part about being sick away from home because your family isn't there for you, but up there, it was like I was with family anyway :)

Christians call each other brothers and sisters, and it's not just for show, not when a bond is made through the blood of Jesus.

Wouldn't change a single thing that happened up there. Seeya next time :)

IIR 2010

Hah.. 6 days after the race, I now got a winkling of time to post something about the past race.

IIR stands for Ipoh International Run, which about 15 friends and I took part in on the 18th of July. Among my contact list, Kelvin Wong and Jensen Chen are two of them.

Well I don't really feel like blogging about the run anymore, mainly because I already did a write-up for our running club website: Team Miracle Mile!

Once the website's worked things out I'll post the link here eheh heh heh.

Life has been pretty hectic recently, at least by my standards (it may not be considered hectic to people who are better organised). I need to orrrrgannise myself pleassse.

Spend every moment knowing that I can use it for the glory of the Almighty.

And so here I go! Wish me the best!

Hanging over

I feel... a bit funny. I think it's post World Cup syndrome.

And it ended in such anti-climatic fashion too, Spain pulling off their magic again? Not really. was it 7 goals for the whole tournament? 8? Nobody's counting.

Still, the World Cup is the World Cup - everybody coming together to watch the action, the drama.. all that stuff. In a way I'm glad it's over though, it is seriously not good for anybody to sleep at 530am more than once in a blue moon. Totally screwing with the internal clock.

So maybe that's what's bothering me. I feel weird and restless and lazy. Good thing Ipoh International Run is coming up, I'm gonna have to train and maybe perk myself up.

Lifestyle, lifestyle!

There is a Mountain

I want to be a teacher, true story!

Recently I was having the "So what do you want to do after uni?" chat with a freshie and she remarked: "Wow, I've never met anyone who wants to become a teacher like how you do!" with a big smile.

Yeap, I want to teach. And I get excited when thinking about it and can't wait. (Experienced teachers tell me not to get overly excited, and to enjoy my uni life as much as possible - I think they're right)

The thing is, I guess I've never really been a purpose driven person. Prior to beginning my uni life I've been a floater of epic proportions. It doesn't help that I studied Knowledge & Inquiry and Literature. Abstract concepts seem to occupy such a significant part of my psyche that I always to delay or procrastinate the nitty gritty stuff, like paperwork, applications and the ilk. This is one part of my life that seriously need to grow too - I don't think I'll be of much use ruminating on an armchair. Meanwhile, the thing I've decided on is to be as useful as possible to needy people (as a teacher).

In other words I need to learn to bite myself and sit down and really grind out work whenever I have to - I'm incredibly weak in this, while some people already know how to do this from the age of 12 or whatever.

Important that may be, but it's not the main point of this post.

I want to teach in Malaysia, seriously. Because I think there's such a need. It makes more sense to want to be useful where the need is greater - simply because I guess it's a good way to think, and if everybody thought that way instead of pursuing the path of greatest pleasure, maybe the world would be a better place. That being said, I suppose in a way I AM pursuing the path of greatest pleasure, because I can't really think of anything that gives me more pleasure than the idea that I'm being useful in empowering other people. The way I see it, absolute altruism is unachievable, but the best thing people can do is marry their interests with the good of others, such that their 'selfishness' also brings about positive change.

This is the selfishness that I profess, when the happiness of others is mine as well. I say this as an ideal of course, even though it's more achievable than altruism, it is still unbelievably tough to achieve. All I hope for is that day by day I slowly bridge the gap between my words and my true conduct, which is pretty wide.

Now, having said that, I'm brought to the concluding point of this post. When my friend said what she said to me, I realised that I must sound extremely enthusiastic, and I am! But I'm not blind to the fact that it's gonna be tough. There are just so many systemic weaknesses to our education system - stumbling blocks that have left us far behind Singapore (not that they're the best or that there aren't better examples around, just that I've got 4 years of experience there so I have the right to make comparisons). I'm not just going to finger the system, but I suppose teaching in itself will be really tough.

Moody as I am, I know I will get depressed, discouraged (prematurely), lazy or whatever. I might lose my passion from time to time. But passion and commitment are two different things - commitment is not a matter of emotions but character. And character is something that anyone can cultivate and access. So I'll have to rely on strength of character.

Of course, I have my family. I have my friends. I have God. Most of all, I have the realization that I need all of them to pull through.

I'm not on my own.