Post-Ipoh

I left my room at 7 40 this morning and just got back at 11 00 pm. After church we went straight away to Ipoh to celebrate a friend of mine's birthday. Ya quite fun being in a city and mall again though its really really tiring.

Point is, instead of doing my customary collapse-into-bed procedure I somehow thought that I'd blog something proper.

For all the carnage that happens in 2012 (the movie, I mean), the ending is so optimistic la. So its not really the end of the world cos like a bunch of people survive I guess. But then if it DID happen I'd probably die since only the important fellars got into the boats. Hrm.

So today some guys asked me about "When are you gonna get hooked up huh?" (paraphrase to any other statements with similar meaning) I kinda cringe at this question, cos I guess society sort of pressures a person into wanting this kind of thing sometimes (not that the "want" doesnt occur naturally) but just that I want to be sure it's genuine rather than because "everybody's doing it", which seems like a childish reason to anyone, but its hard to spot if we really do DO things because of that.

And anyway, I'm pretty convinced that I just want to grow up first. More and more I see myself as a kid, to be honest. There are just too many things I need to know and need to learn about that I just can't see myself committing to something that I really see as being in the purview of 'adulthood'. I mean, just think about it la, to me I take these things very very seriously so if I'm not convinced that I can be a completely reliable partner then I wouldn't get into it sorta? I somehow feel that there must be justification, and maybe what i'm in a muddle about is exactly what the nature of this justification would be.

Sometimes I ask people about this, and most of them just say "ahh follow feel la, just do what comes naturally". I dunno la, I cannot. I don't really trust my feelings, to be honest. I think they are precarious things, too risky if weighed against the responsibility and significance of such attachments. Maybe this is my problem also, because the fact is that underneath all manner of appearances I'm just an ultra rational person. I'm not saying this like I love it (far from it, in fact it makes me feel pretty emo at times) and its not the same as being detached from emotions, which is the conclusion many would jump to, I'm sure. Only that in all things I look for reasons and I see if that is acceptable and according to my principles. ('MY' principles? In one sense they are mine and in one sense they are not, but 'the' principles sounds weird so)

Quite disturbing right? It bothers me too, sometimes. Somehow I have a notion that you can't reduce something like relationships into the kind of paradigm that I use to figure things out right now. What I need is more perspective, more!

Here me sigh loudly.

SIGH.

Rain (Again)

Ok I'm not referring to the South Korean pop star but to the liquid precipitation that falls from up there to down here (ok so I put it badly)

As if the rain wasnt bad enough in itself (want do laundry, cannot dry, want cycle home, get wet. Wet shoes, wet clothes, wet bike. Got lightning so cannot just go outside run or whatever)

THEN ARH there's this other consequence of the rain that is very very real here in Kampar (AND IN WESTLAKE) which is the BUGS. Apparently these tiny fellars dont like rain also so they had to coop up somewhere during all those nights when it rained (and during the day so hot la, sommore got predators) BUT NOW tonight it didn't rain right so THEYRE OUT IN FULL FORCE. Who knows what theyre doing just buzzing around to any light and just... Buzzing around and buzzing around. Some of the little ones bite.

:O

I just might get eaten. Seriously. I'm hiding in my room with laptop at lowest screen illuminity (see im so frightened im making up words) and with the lights off. So the bugs wont come. Just now I wanted to do homework so I sealed my room then on the lights and opened it up again after 40 minutes when I felt like gonna suffocate.

Moses just recommended I spray those fellars. Prefer not to la but like, I tell you if I do, i'll photograph the pile of dead insects and you see for yourself how GG this is. Really a lot man beh tahan arh.

Lai lai

It occurs to me that the person that we lie to the most in our lives would probably be our own selves. And that we probably spend our lives in the struggle to be honest with complete clarity to ourselves, if we do at all.

I know that is what I am/will be trying to do. And that's the truth.

What's more, if we're deceiving ourselves we'd probably end up deceiving everyone else around us too, whether or not we choose to. Then truly we'd be living a lie. 100 percent GG.

So what to do, keep our chins up and deal with ourselves head on, without any sugarcoating.

WAAAAARRRRhHHHH

THIS IS A CRISIS

Sigh.

If ever there was a thing that is easier said and done (and there are many), it would definitely be a loving rebuke. In the overwhelming emotion of the moment I almost dare say it's simply the hardest thing to do in the world! SIghhh. (Yeah ok its not but just let me let it out ok)

To rebuke with good intentions is insufficient. Good intentions do not merit success. Things can be done thoughtlessly and carelessly and bear no fruit and yet have good intentions.

Neither is it sufficient to simply coat our rebuke with kind and soft words. Pull out all the euphemisms in your arsenal. Yeah sayaaang sayang. In some cases such things can collapse into a pile of condescending drivel.

Another failed criteria of success is if the person you've rebuked goes away with a good good feeling, like yeah its resolved, yeah we are brothers/sisters, yeah God is good, yeah yeah yeah feel so good after you rebuked me. Surely it must be because it was done in a loving manner.

All of these are part of the story, but they must all stand together, along with many other things. A kind and loving rebuke is done not out of anger but out of genuine compassion (not condescending pity! The distinction must be made clear!)

-Pause-

Genuine compassion is, in my possibly fallible opinion, is done face to face at the same level. When we see a problem in another person and we approach them with the awareness that it could easily be us (because of our inherent weakness) and that it is only by God's grace that we are not. Do you see? In all things Christians attribute all that is good within themselves to God. Credit goes to Him. Therefore, it is contradictory (and in fact, downright insulting) to even approach a person without this awareness. Once your action becomes a matter of personal pride, then you have failed, in my opinion. This is a trap that anyone could be liable to fall into, so it is important to constantly search oneself in an honest. The onus is on the individual who feels moved to rebuke to do this, no one else can do it for us. And it is between oneself and God.

-Resume-

As a result, what I really really really believe is that this is one very difficult thing to do. Which is normal. For a Christian (and from a Christian's point of view), lots of things we have to do are extremely difficult. But then we believe that we can do all things through Christ our Lord so yeah. It's another one of those things.

I find the attention and focus required simply mind-boggling. It's a knife-edge balance that we have to do here, and what we do, what we say, when we say it, all has to be tailored just right according to the situation. We pray that God provides wherever we may fail, but that doesn't mean we put in less effort. Quite funny right.

Sighhhhh

When it rains, it pourz.

Today, the 10th of November, Tuesday evening might just go down in history as the day that giant fish from the kampar lakes swam out unto the roads. It's raining so so so hard now that it seems almost as if the ground itself is overflowing. Water is just gushing everywhere.

At times like this I kinda wonder if the quick development of the land that I'm standing on was done properly with due consideration for the earth. It does seem like there isn't enough surface for the water to percolate through. It's all just... Melimpah.

Bad time to feel hungry raaar.