A square peg in a round hole.

Yes, so I realize my thoughts are rather esoteric.

But it remains that they are mine, and are part of what makes up who I am.

At first I thought that this makes it harder for me to bridge the gap between the hearts and minds of others and myself... but then hor, this is only partially true.

Being different doesn't stop me from understanding others, I think, not when I make a phenomenal effort (at the very least, an effort effort effort!) to listen and be able to empathize with others

But what about whether people can understand me?

Uhh.. I think it will be very nice la, because everybody wants to be understood, and I am no exception but while it's important, maybe it's also not that important.

After all, who am I? At the very least I am certain that I want to devote myself to others, and in doing so, must I not logically seek to love, more than to be loved, and to understand, more than to be understood?

That at least I can do, I think.

And maybe it is worth something, to be a glimmer of light in the deep.

How I fell in love

Some people describe life as a journey.

In many ways they are right, but I do think that at some points the analogy breaks down. For one thing, it is certainly not exactly a continuous journey like in the picture above.

For some reason we can backtrack some parts we've walked earlier, and for some reason, we HAVE to! Here is where the paradox lies, that sometimes in backtracking a little, we progress further in the journey of life.

In my life, there are some parts I know I should never go back to. Those rocky parts of the road where I was childish, selfish, stupid, arrogant, a liar... you name it. The memory endures, of course, and by doing so always makes me aware of the grace that God has granted me - that He would choose someone who had walked such paths. I would be lying unless I said that those traces of those elements in themselves also endure, though I'd like to think that every day I've been casting them away as I empty myself of myself and try to fill it with Christ.

But the particular stretch of road that I need to find again is simply this: How I fell in love with Him in the first place. It is that crucial intersection that has originally brought me to the path I'm currently walking. Being a person constantly doing things, I need to remember why I'm doing these things in the first place.

Today I went to Sunday school to help out. It's been 2-3 months since I've officially "retired" as a Sunday school helper/teacher at Kampar Gospel Hall. I retired after trying to serve for more than a year and yet feeling unsuited for the ministry, due to my limited linguistic capabilities. That was also the time when I was giving my all for the Christian Fellowship.

I think my decision still stands: God has given me sturdy convictions about the Christian Fellowship and without any shame I say that the passion I have shown to this date speaks for itself. At the same time, my Cantonese or Mandarin still hasn't been getting to the level required of a Sunday school teacher here in Kampar.

But something remarkable happened today in Sunday School.

It was nice talking to all the kids again, and talking to the parents. Even Sau Yee, the girl who calls me "Zirafah" seems to have grown taller. Being exceptionally tall for a standard 2 girl, I wonder if she herself will be a giraffe one day.

I didn't do anything important. Uncle Samson played the guitar. I basically did sai kang: move stuff, clean stuff, help one kid remove his sticky lollipop wrapper.. and of course simply be their friend. Since I haven't been to Sunday School in a while, some of them missed me.

And yeah, I missed them too.

Oh, I said something remarkable happened right? Ok la maybe it's not that remarkable, but in a weird way, it is to me.

Sunday School was how I began "serving God" here in Kampar. It was different for me because I've been awkward everywhere I've been up till the point when I arrived here, but here it was like starting afresh, and I started by working with the children. Until I came to Kampar, I was far from an exemplary Christian, and had no real concept of serving God in my life.

Yet here I am, with a heart to serve. Not that I am worthy, or not that I deserve anything, but simply because I have been chosen.

And it all started there, with those little kids up on the cemented upper floor of the church building. I tell you ah, I really love them so much.

And in remembering that again, somehow I've moved another step ahead.

Happy Birthday Ma

A few days ago was my mom's birthday, and I wrote this for her.

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Hi Ma, this is for you:

Specially for Mama

My Mummy was born on this day years ago

A little baby in Singapore

And at that time, how lil’ did she know

The things she had in store

She grew up - a baby into a lady

And one day met my Pa

When they fell in love she didn’t say maybe

Got married in Malaysia

There must have been many an adventure

Inserted into their story

Each memory itself a jeweled treasure

They submit to the Father’s glory.

Yet there must be a particular highlight

Something above the rest

A part of Ma’s life that nothing can fight

Her children: they are the best!

Not that I’m giving myself applause

I couldn’t stoop so low

But I think we are the best because

Mama treated us so.

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Hi ma, thank you so much for loving us and caring for us so far in our lives.

I don’t know how I can ever repay you in any real way – but I know I can try my best to be a good man of God that both you and Papa can be proud of. I just like you to know that I know both you and Papa always try to be the best parents you can be for us and I’ll continually look forward to those times when I can come home. Do not worry, whatever place Mama and Papa are at will always be home to us, just as we are always your children.

Your beloved son, Ah Derk

Honestly

"Assuredly I say unto you, whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God as a child will by no means enter it"

What I need is..

Less pride and more real humility.

Less doubt and more love,

Less of myself and more of others,

And more of God.

Home, with a difference.

Here I am, home in Melaka.

It's always a little unreal to be back. I always get this feeling like I haven't been back in a long time. It's an awkward confluence of both the familiar and the alien - I somehow feel that I am a stranger, but a stranger in a place that is steeped with memories and connections. And after a short while of floating in a distance, I settle back into those familiar memories and connections - and I'm home again.

The truth is that I've been here a mere 3 weeks ago during study break, but as I always say, our experience of time is not simply a matter of the passing of seasons or of hours or of days - it is also a matter of what happens within that physical span of time.

A significant three weeks? Why, certainly. I grappled with exams and tried (and to a large extent failed) to focus with the kind of concentration that I aspire to. I presented all my worries, anxieties, cares and supplications to Him. I grew much closer in my walk with many of the brethren here. I grew to rely on Him all the more, and He chose to reveal to me more about the kind of man He wants me to be - not simply a collection of abstract principles but a concrete manifestation of these ideals.

There was the committee retreat, where I decided to never again back down from confronting our problems. I will pray, think, talk, discuss and ACT upon them. We cannot let this slide. When you see the smoke, do not say that there is no fire - look for it and put it out, because the fire burns the tree which is the family of God, and that is far too precious to me and to us and most of all, to Him.

So yes, in a few hours, I will settle down again into the familiarity of Home, but this time, it is Home with a difference, that I am here to make myself different for Him. Can I walk closer with Him in the next 11 days, and in doing so be genuinely nearer to being a true man of God?

I commit myself to persevering in His word, and in doing so, may I bear fruit that is pleasing in His eyes. Please pray for me.

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

And there it is, I see it and understand.

Still Awake

In the middle of the night

Not a single soul in sight

Not the slightest sound to hear

So what can there be for me to fear?

But though all sense and feel be naught

There’s a sense that can’t be fought

Lay there deep within a man

Surpassing doubt, thought or plan

In it I am found, and equally lost

Past all prize and beyond all cost

It purrs and burns in no small part

It is the cry of the deep, dear heart.

Buy the Truth and do not sell it

I can understand why people say "Ignorance is bliss", but this is more the lament of a broken-hearted person rather than a life principle that we can live by.

Does the truth cause heartache? It certainly does, in some situations. But I do know also that people's hurts are very often exacerbated by the fact that they've been living in the lie longer. If I were to draw another graph, the longer you've been in the lie, the more hurtful it'll be when you realize the truth.

The truth can hurt, but I would say that ignorance hurts more.

Truth(s), be they absolutes or relatives (and let's not get into an epistemological spat here) are things that exist externally from ourselves. It's there, whether we like it or not, and I think when we love the truth, accept it and live by it, then our lives become more real (or should I say, become more true).

"I am the way, the truth and the life," He says, and so we see here how being the way and the truth and the life are not concepts that exist independently but are intrinsically related. Follow the way which is (and because it is) the truth that brings life.

Am I just talking about some abstract Christian principle here? Well in a way I obviously am, but don't buy into the misconception that not everything about Christianity has to do with all our lives (and by all our lives I mean ALL). My conviction is that everything in the Bible is very personal and relevant to all of us, it is just a matter of how we understand it.'

Let's have a "real life" example, just to illustrate my point. For one thing, I was ignorant about just how hard the Research Methodology final paper is, until Renjie instigated me to go check out the past year papers. It was pretty shocking and I am sure with the level of understanding I had yesterday I would've screwed it up pretty badly.

Knowing the truth of the matter helped unsettle me and galvanize me to study harder: which is what I've been doing and which is what I'm gonna do for the rest of today. I do wish I knew a little earlier but hey, no point thinking about that, I'm just gonna make the best out of the hours I got left. If it's going to be a battle, I'd like to at least know I'm in it for one.

In conclusion, we must not only accept but actively seek the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may make us.

"Buy the truth and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline and understanding."

King Solomon, Proverbs 23:23