Loon(e)y Tunes

Loony is a weird word. Loony.

The person above is Luna Lovegood, a character from Harry Potter the movie. She's also called Loony Luna, because she does weird stuff.

As I read Harry Potter, I actually liked her character a lot. She's a really good person who is brave, cherishes her friends and does not mind being seen as unorthodox (or being bullied, for that matter). Yup, she's treated pretty badly. One of the reasons why I think Harry Potter is so unrealistic is how none of the teachers or prefects or decent folks in the school do anything about the bullying.

But then again, that could probably be more realistic portrayal of most schools *Cynical Face On* There's one part where Luna placidly explains to Harry that people enjoy taking her stuff and hiding it in awkward places. At the end of every school term, she has to post up long notices of all the stuff she's lost, hoping that they'd return.

Magical world or not, the social structure in schools can be nasty, huh.

I'm in university now, though I sometimes call it "school". Like, "Eh, what time you going school ah?"

Oops.

People say that, technically, I should be having the time of my life now.

That makes a lot of sense. I am enjoying myself. I've got a lot to be grateful for - picking up interests, developing skills, having great friends, learning some important things.. I guess I will be coming out a more competent, complete, thoughtful and purpose driven person. That ain't so bad.

Yet, there's always a "BUT" sign that has to be hung up somewhere in my head every time people ask me if I'm enjoying myself. Some kind of caveat, I suppose - the less pleasant side of the story. I could choose to be all positive or all negative, but neither can be totally true without the other, and normally it just takes too much time to explain things. And if I don't explain things properly, then I get misunderstood. And I'm not so sure people want to hear my long stories anyway.

Sorta the kind of conversation that you'd take a half marathon to complete. Want to find out? Run with me lah. Haha.

Like and unlike Luna, I think I might be getting slightly loony. Not "crazy" in a straightforward way, but probably just mentally or psychologically frayed. Stress related, I suppose.

I was ambling by Block D when I spotted a booth that the Counselling and Care unit set up, labelled "Personality Test". I went up and tried for it, partly to find out what it says about me and partly because I'm the kind of guy who likes to scrutinize research methodologies. (Maybe I AM loony)

Once I started I knew the test was poorly labelled and wasn't a Personality Test per se, but a test on my emotional health.

"Alamak.. are these fellars psychology students?"

Finished it anyway and let the lady tabulate my scores (she wasn't a psychology student, just a volunteer helper. very nice of her to spend her time in that way)

I received the diagnosis that I have Severe anxiety and stress levels. Yet, at the same time, the test showed that I am also very contented and satisfied with my life. I won't tell you what I think of the methodology.

A few days later, the campus counsellor (certified one) called me up and asked if we could meet up to check on whether I'm okay. Never met him before, but he was sent my results slip.

That's actually really nice of them - even in my days in SJI and CJCH, no one was really went all the way to that extent to check up on us students, in spite of the resources that the schools had and the fact that they were both Catholic mission schools.

I declined to go meet them though, because I know what's my problem la.. but it was nice to have that concern coming from some people I don't know.

How will I feel, by the end of my university life?

I don't really know.

All I know is that this probably isn't sustainable.

And that while it's better than being apathetic, but there are wiser ways to live out our ideals.

And that, in the midst of all the things I'm doing right now, what I really really want to do is go visit my grandparents in Singapore.

My Dead End?

When was the last time I felt as bad at this?

I can't really care to remember.

I refuse to leave because I think it's not right, but by staying I'm at a loss of what I can do. I feel so sure I can't change anything here and I'm not the type to sit around placidly, doing nothing - not when my energy can be used for something real somewhere else.

Where are your hearts?

Home

Today at Bible Study/Prayer Meeting we sang a few songs. Many of them were about the life that is to come, and the hope we place in them - with one in particular that really moved me.

It's an old country song, like all the songs that we sang during the meeting - and though I've been exposed to many modern worship songs with elaborate instrumental arrangements, I don't ever recall being so moved by a single song before in a long, long time. So we sang together in that room (no harmonizing) with Uncle Samson hacking away at his guitar:

"This world is not my home, I'm just a-passing thru'

My treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue,

The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

O Lord, I know I have no Friend like you

If Heaven's not my home, O Lord what will I do?

The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore."

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqRpyG0W96k&feature=related)

Today has been a different day for me. As you might be able to tell from my previous post, I've been thinking about all the things I've been getting involved with around me. Just today, I celebrated a sister's birthday, I ran 11km with the uncles, I read Scripture, I started planning for a big upcoming event, I thought about next week's CF session that I'll also be co-chairing and I went to Bible Study/Prayer Meeting to have fellowship and to build the church.

Yes, these are all things I value. I value my brothers and sisters, and my friends. I value the challenge of improving myself through running. I value these events that I believe can enrich other people's lives, as a corollary of being light and salt. I value the CF as the Christian presence on campus. I value the church that so gracefully accepted me and gave me a foundation of fellowship in Kampar. I value the experience of deepening one's insight in His word.

Yet, at a moment like this all of these are overwhelmed with a singular longing, which is to be in Heaven at the side of Jesus - who is a dear friend like no other

"Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Commitments

I don't think there's a single thing that I'm involved in or that I'm busy with that I don't believe in.

In fact, I only say yes to things that I have a real conviction about: things that I really believe in and are important to me.

The problem is, I realize that this isn't exactly the best modus operandi either because the ideal situation is that we have many convictions - about God, about society, about our academic life, about our family and even about the environment, but if we start heavily involving ourselves in every single thing that we have convictions about, we'll probably just be overworked and maybe produce poor results in many of those things.

"See a need, meet a need" - not a motto that we can operate with. There is just too much need in this broken and incomplete world - too much even for everybody to handle, and what aggravates matters is that only a minority of people are stepping up to the plate.. I'm not sure what the rest are doing.

So how ah? On my own part, I need to assess priorities while I still can while asking God for strength. And well, if you're reading this and you feel that you're not doing much.. wanna give it a shot?

A square peg in a round hole.

Yes, so I realize my thoughts are rather esoteric.

But it remains that they are mine, and are part of what makes up who I am.

At first I thought that this makes it harder for me to bridge the gap between the hearts and minds of others and myself... but then hor, this is only partially true.

Being different doesn't stop me from understanding others, I think, not when I make a phenomenal effort (at the very least, an effort effort effort!) to listen and be able to empathize with others

But what about whether people can understand me?

Uhh.. I think it will be very nice la, because everybody wants to be understood, and I am no exception but while it's important, maybe it's also not that important.

After all, who am I? At the very least I am certain that I want to devote myself to others, and in doing so, must I not logically seek to love, more than to be loved, and to understand, more than to be understood?

That at least I can do, I think.

And maybe it is worth something, to be a glimmer of light in the deep.

How I fell in love

Some people describe life as a journey.

In many ways they are right, but I do think that at some points the analogy breaks down. For one thing, it is certainly not exactly a continuous journey like in the picture above.

For some reason we can backtrack some parts we've walked earlier, and for some reason, we HAVE to! Here is where the paradox lies, that sometimes in backtracking a little, we progress further in the journey of life.

In my life, there are some parts I know I should never go back to. Those rocky parts of the road where I was childish, selfish, stupid, arrogant, a liar... you name it. The memory endures, of course, and by doing so always makes me aware of the grace that God has granted me - that He would choose someone who had walked such paths. I would be lying unless I said that those traces of those elements in themselves also endure, though I'd like to think that every day I've been casting them away as I empty myself of myself and try to fill it with Christ.

But the particular stretch of road that I need to find again is simply this: How I fell in love with Him in the first place. It is that crucial intersection that has originally brought me to the path I'm currently walking. Being a person constantly doing things, I need to remember why I'm doing these things in the first place.

Today I went to Sunday school to help out. It's been 2-3 months since I've officially "retired" as a Sunday school helper/teacher at Kampar Gospel Hall. I retired after trying to serve for more than a year and yet feeling unsuited for the ministry, due to my limited linguistic capabilities. That was also the time when I was giving my all for the Christian Fellowship.

I think my decision still stands: God has given me sturdy convictions about the Christian Fellowship and without any shame I say that the passion I have shown to this date speaks for itself. At the same time, my Cantonese or Mandarin still hasn't been getting to the level required of a Sunday school teacher here in Kampar.

But something remarkable happened today in Sunday School.

It was nice talking to all the kids again, and talking to the parents. Even Sau Yee, the girl who calls me "Zirafah" seems to have grown taller. Being exceptionally tall for a standard 2 girl, I wonder if she herself will be a giraffe one day.

I didn't do anything important. Uncle Samson played the guitar. I basically did sai kang: move stuff, clean stuff, help one kid remove his sticky lollipop wrapper.. and of course simply be their friend. Since I haven't been to Sunday School in a while, some of them missed me.

And yeah, I missed them too.

Oh, I said something remarkable happened right? Ok la maybe it's not that remarkable, but in a weird way, it is to me.

Sunday School was how I began "serving God" here in Kampar. It was different for me because I've been awkward everywhere I've been up till the point when I arrived here, but here it was like starting afresh, and I started by working with the children. Until I came to Kampar, I was far from an exemplary Christian, and had no real concept of serving God in my life.

Yet here I am, with a heart to serve. Not that I am worthy, or not that I deserve anything, but simply because I have been chosen.

And it all started there, with those little kids up on the cemented upper floor of the church building. I tell you ah, I really love them so much.

And in remembering that again, somehow I've moved another step ahead.

Happy Birthday Ma

A few days ago was my mom's birthday, and I wrote this for her.

-------

Hi Ma, this is for you:

Specially for Mama

My Mummy was born on this day years ago

A little baby in Singapore

And at that time, how lil’ did she know

The things she had in store

She grew up - a baby into a lady

And one day met my Pa

When they fell in love she didn’t say maybe

Got married in Malaysia

There must have been many an adventure

Inserted into their story

Each memory itself a jeweled treasure

They submit to the Father’s glory.

Yet there must be a particular highlight

Something above the rest

A part of Ma’s life that nothing can fight

Her children: they are the best!

Not that I’m giving myself applause

I couldn’t stoop so low

But I think we are the best because

Mama treated us so.

-------

Hi ma, thank you so much for loving us and caring for us so far in our lives.

I don’t know how I can ever repay you in any real way – but I know I can try my best to be a good man of God that both you and Papa can be proud of. I just like you to know that I know both you and Papa always try to be the best parents you can be for us and I’ll continually look forward to those times when I can come home. Do not worry, whatever place Mama and Papa are at will always be home to us, just as we are always your children.

Your beloved son, Ah Derk

Home, with a difference.

Here I am, home in Melaka.

It's always a little unreal to be back. I always get this feeling like I haven't been back in a long time. It's an awkward confluence of both the familiar and the alien - I somehow feel that I am a stranger, but a stranger in a place that is steeped with memories and connections. And after a short while of floating in a distance, I settle back into those familiar memories and connections - and I'm home again.

The truth is that I've been here a mere 3 weeks ago during study break, but as I always say, our experience of time is not simply a matter of the passing of seasons or of hours or of days - it is also a matter of what happens within that physical span of time.

A significant three weeks? Why, certainly. I grappled with exams and tried (and to a large extent failed) to focus with the kind of concentration that I aspire to. I presented all my worries, anxieties, cares and supplications to Him. I grew much closer in my walk with many of the brethren here. I grew to rely on Him all the more, and He chose to reveal to me more about the kind of man He wants me to be - not simply a collection of abstract principles but a concrete manifestation of these ideals.

There was the committee retreat, where I decided to never again back down from confronting our problems. I will pray, think, talk, discuss and ACT upon them. We cannot let this slide. When you see the smoke, do not say that there is no fire - look for it and put it out, because the fire burns the tree which is the family of God, and that is far too precious to me and to us and most of all, to Him.

So yes, in a few hours, I will settle down again into the familiarity of Home, but this time, it is Home with a difference, that I am here to make myself different for Him. Can I walk closer with Him in the next 11 days, and in doing so be genuinely nearer to being a true man of God?

I commit myself to persevering in His word, and in doing so, may I bear fruit that is pleasing in His eyes. Please pray for me.

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

And there it is, I see it and understand.