20/12/11

There are many kinds of sad - some are good, not all are bad :')

It's been a great 2.5 years in Kampar. After so many farewells, both in groups and with dear individuals, it's finally dawning on me that I'm leaving.

What can I write which may contain the breadth and depth of what I've been feeling, thinking, doing, witnessing and experiencing in these past few weeks, let alone the last 30 months?

Maybe I can explain how I feel. I feel a bit sad, and very moved. I also feel very humbled. A lot of great things have happened here in Kampar - and although one might say that I was deeply involved and active in these things, here at the end I feel more like I have been a spectator. I am a witness of the work of God. A servant also. That is all.

Maybe I should also talk about my thoughts for the future. Nothing's certain, but I have a lot of reassurance, a lot of hope and a lot of confidence that things will work out for the good.

And I pray that my brethren can also share in this hope.

Another adventure! And the hope of joyous reunion :)

Lean on Me!

Everybody needs to depend on other people. Yes, we do that, even when it’s bad for us. We seem to be hard wired that way.

But the problem is, people are inherently unreliable, right?

Everybody makes mistakes that can hurt the others around us. Sometimes we even do such things intentionally, out of our negative emotions.. Ever got caught up in the spur of the moment?

This is why forgiveness is so crucial. Forgiveness has no value where there is perfection, but in the imperfect reality that we are part of, forgiveness is the one thing that can save.

Jesus demonstrated  this – big time – on the cross, when he let himself be killed for the forgiveness of our sins, which are against God and against each other (which, in a roundabout way, is against God too)

Now He’s alive again, and asks us to live like how He did until the time comes for His return:

Forgive each other!

Do not take revenge for yourself!

Love your enemies!

Can you hear His word?

Ultimately, we still need to rely on people. But if you ever find that people are just too unreliable, you can still trust in Jesus, who is perfect, without blemish (I don’t mean in a L’Oreal kinda way) and is ever present in the lives of those who put their hope in Him.

The peace and security that comes from Jesus will eventually give you the courage you need to trust other people too. You know that even if others let you down, our dependable God will be there to lift us up. David said, “Though my mother and father forsake me the Lord will receive me” (Psalms 27).

Parenthesis: I don’t mean that my parents have been forsaking me (Hi Ma and Pa!), they love me a lot. But in some people’s case, it’s true. The evidence is that apparently David wasn’t treated very well in his family – being the “runt” and all that.

So ah, if you got ears, listen! Rely on God first – you will find in Him a sense of security that will transform your lives. The stronger your relationship with God, the more able you will be to forgive and trust people without fear. Guaranteed. (And by the way, you can't have a father-children relationship with God unless you accept Jesus first, because only Jesus can make us acceptable to God the Father)

Just pray to accept Jesus into your life and let Him take control. His perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18), and sets us on a path of a new life, filled with love, truth and the Spirit. 

Half or Hard Boiled Eggs

This morning we had prayer meeting.

Naturally, it was hard to even keep my eyes open at the beginning. Funnily enough, I did encounter something eye opening.

An old Chinese couple spotted that we were Christians in prayer, and so blessed us and had a chat.

Although clearly very advanced in age, both of them were proud to tell us that, wrinkles and white hair notwithstanding, they had no sickness whatsoever. In fact, they cycled to the Westlake Gardens for some morning exercise all the way from their homes in another part of Kampar. There are plenty of young adults in UTAR who wouldn't be willing to travel that far without a motorized vehicle.

Their daughter is a missionary and they're very proud of it. They soon cycled off, looking like a very cute and loving couple indeed.

We went for breakfast in Ghany and Steven Liew ordered half boiled eggs. A 50-ish year old man from the next table passed him the soy sauce. That man was probably a local, and he was eating half boiled egg with his father, who was munching on a hard boiled egg. They chatted softly over their eggy breakfast and kopi.

His father, as one might expect, was probably an octogenarian, though of course we did not ask. No need to interrupt breakfast between father and son.

And I find it so hard to wake up early enough in the mornings to have a walk and breakfast with Ma and Pa. That has got to change.

Someone or Something

Dag Hammarskjold, UN Secretary General (April 1953 - September 1961)

'I don't know who - or what - put the question. I don't know when it was put. I don't even remember answering. but at some moment, I did say Yes to Someone or Something. From that hour I was certain that existence is meaninful and that my life in self-surrender had a goal.'

(Quoted from Crews, 1986)

Great men.

Loon(e)y Tunes

Loony is a weird word. Loony.

The person above is Luna Lovegood, a character from Harry Potter the movie. She's also called Loony Luna, because she does weird stuff.

As I read Harry Potter, I actually liked her character a lot. She's a really good person who is brave, cherishes her friends and does not mind being seen as unorthodox (or being bullied, for that matter). Yup, she's treated pretty badly. One of the reasons why I think Harry Potter is so unrealistic is how none of the teachers or prefects or decent folks in the school do anything about the bullying.

But then again, that could probably be more realistic portrayal of most schools *Cynical Face On* There's one part where Luna placidly explains to Harry that people enjoy taking her stuff and hiding it in awkward places. At the end of every school term, she has to post up long notices of all the stuff she's lost, hoping that they'd return.

Magical world or not, the social structure in schools can be nasty, huh.

I'm in university now, though I sometimes call it "school". Like, "Eh, what time you going school ah?"

Oops.

People say that, technically, I should be having the time of my life now.

That makes a lot of sense. I am enjoying myself. I've got a lot to be grateful for - picking up interests, developing skills, having great friends, learning some important things.. I guess I will be coming out a more competent, complete, thoughtful and purpose driven person. That ain't so bad.

Yet, there's always a "BUT" sign that has to be hung up somewhere in my head every time people ask me if I'm enjoying myself. Some kind of caveat, I suppose - the less pleasant side of the story. I could choose to be all positive or all negative, but neither can be totally true without the other, and normally it just takes too much time to explain things. And if I don't explain things properly, then I get misunderstood. And I'm not so sure people want to hear my long stories anyway.

Sorta the kind of conversation that you'd take a half marathon to complete. Want to find out? Run with me lah. Haha.

Like and unlike Luna, I think I might be getting slightly loony. Not "crazy" in a straightforward way, but probably just mentally or psychologically frayed. Stress related, I suppose.

I was ambling by Block D when I spotted a booth that the Counselling and Care unit set up, labelled "Personality Test". I went up and tried for it, partly to find out what it says about me and partly because I'm the kind of guy who likes to scrutinize research methodologies. (Maybe I AM loony)

Once I started I knew the test was poorly labelled and wasn't a Personality Test per se, but a test on my emotional health.

"Alamak.. are these fellars psychology students?"

Finished it anyway and let the lady tabulate my scores (she wasn't a psychology student, just a volunteer helper. very nice of her to spend her time in that way)

I received the diagnosis that I have Severe anxiety and stress levels. Yet, at the same time, the test showed that I am also very contented and satisfied with my life. I won't tell you what I think of the methodology.

A few days later, the campus counsellor (certified one) called me up and asked if we could meet up to check on whether I'm okay. Never met him before, but he was sent my results slip.

That's actually really nice of them - even in my days in SJI and CJCH, no one was really went all the way to that extent to check up on us students, in spite of the resources that the schools had and the fact that they were both Catholic mission schools.

I declined to go meet them though, because I know what's my problem la.. but it was nice to have that concern coming from some people I don't know.

How will I feel, by the end of my university life?

I don't really know.

All I know is that this probably isn't sustainable.

And that while it's better than being apathetic, but there are wiser ways to live out our ideals.

And that, in the midst of all the things I'm doing right now, what I really really want to do is go visit my grandparents in Singapore.

Update Rebate

I've been an extremely active blogger recently... in my head.

Time's a-tickin, so I'll have to give the rebated version here.

The UTAR Express, taking you to...?

I don't really know exactly where I'll end up, but I know I'm going somewhere. The wheels are turning, and the scenery around me changes.

Whatever happens from here on, the fact remains that I'll only ever have 24 hours in a day.

I still lack the discipline. And I think I lack the heart, too.

I realize that I don't handle stress very well - and no matter what your abilities are, if you can't handle stress, these abilities are curtailed and your progress hits a glass ceiling.

Recently.... a few times, I've found myself sitting there and staring right at that glass ceiling... wondering what to do.

People see my abilities and ask for my time, and I don't blame them for that. Sometimes I say yes when I shouldn't. Sometimes I say no, and normally it turns out that it was the right choice. But all in all what bugs me is this apparent inability I have to really explain that when I'm at a loose end it doesn't matter how well I can do stuff.

And what bugs me even more is that I just explained it out in under a minute - after finding it so difficult to bring it up in conversation.

Maybe the flow of things just weren't right.

But enough about myself - I find other people more interesting anyway. I can firmly say that really helping people is one of those things that give me clarity. I say clarity, but I suppose you might call it joy. I like it a lot. When you're down, you feel like there's a cloud over your head and you're stuck in the haze. Joy feels like the clouds poof away and you're covered in light. Everything's bright. That's why I say it gives me clarity.

Also, I think I say "clarity" also because my head is working with conundrums most of the time. You know someone spends a lot of time thinking when his face always lights up when he finds a solution. It's like reaching the finish line.

But if you ever see me appearing unhelpful, it's probably because I think my help can be harmful. What I mean is that I spoil people a lot. Really a lot. I think people get used to me doing stuff, and I don't like that. Not only because feeling like you're being taken for granted is something nobody likes, but because I feel like I'm killing my friends if I spoil them. Really.

People wonder why I don't go all out trying to fix everything on my own in assignments anymore, but it's simply because we could all do with our share of learning. I'd like to facilitate that instead, but few people seem as interested in the subject matter as they are in their grades. Maybe if I try too hard to talk about the subject matter, people'll just think I'm trying to show off instead of the fact that I really feel learning is fun.

That is, of course, nothing out of the ordinary.

I think I've a lot of good people in my life :) A lot of interesting people too (not mutually exclusive).

And I think, the following weeks are going to be posing a lot of problems to solve - with maybe some flashes of clarity along the way.

Yay? Sigh?

Prime Time

Transformers 3 is coming out. Optimus Prime is cool.

"Autobots.. check me outzz"

Recently I've been sick of course, but let's not go there again.

The point is, I should be in KL now, going to bed early for my race at 5am. Instead, I'm in Kampar, tinkering with my FYP. Granted, it's more important, but that's not the reason why I'm here now.

In Team Miracle Mile, we use the term "Miracle Mile" a lot. It's our metaphor for goals, or the milestones we have in our pursuit of running. Sometimes the term comes to mind when you try to describe the feeling of making a certain pace or distance on the road.

As I grew in stature as a runner, my Miracle Miles became a whole lot cooler. From "finishing a 10k race without walking", I went to "getting a ranked position in the UTAR Run" and even "1:40 for Half Marathon".

These are all important. In their own contexts, they're equally important goals.

However, the situation I'm in right now means I have only one Miracle Mile immediately in mind:

I just want to get well and strong again.

And I'm not only talking about running. I want to live strong. There's been a malaise that I've been swimming in. I've been stuck in a rut. Hanging at a loose end. I know the feeling - I've been here before, and I think you know it too.

FYP, assignments, projects, cell group, discipleship training, bible study, marathons and relationships - these are all challenges that God has given me to not only accomplish, but excel and enjoy.

It's time to live high, live mighty, live righteously.

Not taking it easy.

Optimus Prime died but was revived by the Cube thingy in the second movie.

Optimus Prime is cool (Y)

Hold Your Breath

It’s been years, but just today, I took out my asthma inhaler and had a puff. The instructions say that after taking the puff, you have to hold your breath, so I held it.

In doing so, I found that I can hold my breath a lot longer now.

I still remember when I first used it: way back in primary school when first diagnosed with asthma and bronchitis. At that time, a paltry 10 seconds was all I could force, and I got worried that the medicine wouldn’t work because I could not follow the instructions to the letter.

Yeah, it was pretty bad in those days.

I’ve always been a rather sickly kid, though coming to Kampar has seen me get a lot better.

However, recently I’ve had a long stretch of niggling illness that just doesn’t seem to go away.

At first, my throat just felt irritated, and so I stayed off cold drinks and fried stuff. Then, I lost my voice.

When I was younger I was the more quiet type, but at the same time, if I did say anything normally it’d be quite stupid. And I’m telling you, that’s not a good combination. Having people react to my words and person has taught me a whole lot of hard, early lessons – so I’m relieved to say that maybe I’ve turned out to generally be the kind of person who says the right stuff at the right time in the right amount.

My own (possibly cynical) evaluation is that I get it right about half the time, and that’s pretty good, though I hope it gets better.

It’s with the mouth that I thank people. Explain things. Ask questions. Encourage. Sing. Let others know that they are liked or loved. Make jokes. Greet. Praise God.

But it’s also with the mouth that I belittle others, tear down confidence, lie and cause hurt. This is not good.

Sore throat has given way to something else though – I’ve been generally fluey and expelling phlegm over the past 2 days – it’s the flue that’s been triggering my asthma, reacting to fur, air-con and dust.

I’ve been praying a lot, and others have been praying too. We’re praying that God will heal us (so many of us are ill these days!) and that He will also increase our faith.

That’s another “illness” I have, a lack of real faith, as opposed to self reliance – one thing that the world taught me that I’ve yet to really unlearn.

I can hold my breath longer now, though.

Selah

Carrie Underwood is really pretty, and she sings some really nice songs. One of her famous singles, "So Small" starts the chorus with the following line:

"Sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing, is just a grain of sand"

The whole song pretty much talks about this - about how the adversity we face is not as big as it may often seem.

I'll assume that Miss Underwood really means it when she sings it, and as she is Christian, it makes me think about the Biblical truth that might be behind it. (Note: She recently belted out her rendition of "How Great Thou Art" - made me shiver)

I think she has a point, you know. Sometimes we perceive our problems as insurmountable, when instead it's our perceptions in themselves that stop us from moving and doing what's needed and important.

If we stopped to actually take stock of everything, and have our "Selah" moments, maybe we'd realize that we can actually do this. Stopping to think and analyze helps us not only realize that our problems are surmountable, but also helps us come up with ways to go about doing it.

Finals start on Friday. So much has happened this semester - now will we end it with a smile together?

My Dead End?

When was the last time I felt as bad at this?

I can't really care to remember.

I refuse to leave because I think it's not right, but by staying I'm at a loss of what I can do. I feel so sure I can't change anything here and I'm not the type to sit around placidly, doing nothing - not when my energy can be used for something real somewhere else.

Where are your hearts?

Rapunzel, Rapunzel

I really like this movie, don't you?

Pretty lead, Nice Soundtrack and Silky Hair - what else does one need?

The characters are so funny, and her hair is really nice and cool! There's one scene in particular that I came across in Youtube. It's when Rapunzel and Flynn come into the city. They meet people, see things, enjoy the community and beautiful - absolutely heart warming. Watch it yourself! It's worth it :)

Nice right?

Halfway through the scene, though, I felt a tinge of strong emotion when Rapunzel held up that small purple flag at 1:42. What I felt, I think, was a strong sense of loss and of longing, incongruously mixed up in the midst of merriment and spectacle.

I was thinking about the people of that city, and the Lantern Celebration that they held every year (on that day that Rapunzel arrived). All those elaborate preparations were made specially for it. How do you think the people felt?

If you've watched the movie and followed the story, you'll know that that event was set up because of the lost Princess. It was set up after she was kidnapped, in desperate hope that, one day, when she sees the lanterns light up the sky, she would be drawn to find her way home.

What we observe in the city during the day is great merriment - decorations go up, lanterns are prepared, people dance and sing, flowers are everywhere. It's beautiful, and there's a happy hustle and bustle. The Lantern Festival has become part of their way of life, something for kids and adults alike to look forward to.

Yet in the midst of that, they remember the loss of their princess, who was hope and happiness to the whole city. That's why things turn solemn at night.

This is both beautiful and sad.

I am reminded of the story of Jesus and our walks as Christians.

Jesus' death and suffering is something we see with both immense sorrow and unbridled joy - it is the most extreme paradox that I've ever experienced.

Knowing that His death was for us, and that it was necessary, and experiencing the transformative power that comes from it is the happiest, most mind blowing thing about being a Christian. Through Christ' suffering and death, we grasp the crux of God's love towards us, and that is a joy that no tongue can tell nor scribe can write of.

At the same time, knowing who He is and that He had to go through all that really makes me sad. We understand that it was unavoidable, but can't help feeling that way.

In view of the upcoming UTAR CF's Easter Celebration, I'm led to think about Good Friday, which commemorates Jesus' death on the cross. I think that maybe our celebration on Good Friday is a little bit like the Lantern Festival in Rapunzel/Tangled. Both solemn and joyous, sad and happy.

The people living in that Castle and I share something in common you know, and I'm not just talking about our ambivalent feelings. We share a common lifestyle. They waited 17 years, hoping to see their Princess again, and she came back! How wonderful it was for them when she did.

I, too, am waiting. Waiting for Jesus to come back like He said He will. Whether it will happen in my time, I'm not sure - but in my own way, I want to light my own lantern, to let him know we're waiting and ready here.

The Yearn to Learn

The Library (just before completion)

I went to the library today and found myself slightly disoriented – they’ve rearranged the books on the shelves (must have been recently, since even Manmeet remarked that its’ new, and she seems like she goes regularly).

I was there to pick up books – I need stuff for Syntax & Morphology, and my FYP too. The books that I picked up in the end were colossal, and chockfull of cheem-ness.

With some effort, I can still follow what’s written in there, but not as well as I would’ve hoped that I could at this point in time. I’m still not bandying terminology and concepts around freely – as I would when talking epistemology after 2 years of KI. I feel a little bad because of that.

It’s not that I regret that my studies are not my first priority – very much subservient to my desire to know God and love people. That will never change. But I also have a notion that God wants me to do something out of my academic life – partly based on the premise that it matches the ability and preparation that I have. That is, of course, a notion – and I’m still seeking God on the matter.

But whatever it is, my lackadaisical approach to academics recently is not because I’ve been too involved in church, CF and other works. That’s a given. It’s just that I think I haven’t been able to maximize my time and keep my focus when I need to. It’s always been a problem, I guess – and the stark absence of the kind of inspirational and engaging tutors that I used to have makes it harder to get motivation. Even the docile yet wise Mr Kwan is badly missed L

If this is the situation, then it’s time for me to dig deep and look inwards. No matter what, I’m going to power through and finish this undergrad course without any regrets. That is, I want to be sure I have my hands firmly grasping the lower rungs of the academic ladder. After that is the climb.

If I’m going to present a learned self to my Lord, I want to be sure it’s a good one.

No Day But Today

There is no future

There is no past

Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us

There's only this

Forget - regret - or life is yours to miss.

No other road

No other way

No day but today -

-"Rent: The Musical"

Recently I went for Shu Ern and Wendy's convocation in KL. It's the first convo I've been to in my life, really - both Jie Jie and Kor Kor's ceremonies were in the UK (I miss them a lot)

Wisma MCA (Convo building) was full of people. Full of flowers and soft toys, too. There were young adults like us, young kids like those in Sunday School, little toddlers like Jaron, grown ups like Papa and Mama and elderly people like Ah Ma and Kong Kong.

People from all walks of life and all stages of life, all congregated there to celebrate the same thing: a rite of passage that tells the world,

"Hey there world, here I am, educated and ready! Let me show you what that means and what I've got,"

I really have no idea what I'll feel like when my turn comes (I suppose it will). I just hope that at that moment, I'll still be madly in love - with God and people. It's the only way to really live without regrets.

Disneyland

Disneyland, Ayer Tawar.

Renjie's hometown is way ahead of Melaka! We've got a lot of fancy tourism stuff and people lining up for miles just to eat chicken rice that has been balled into um.. rice balls but we didn't even think of making a Disneyland for our kids! Please, Ali Rustam, if you're reading this.

I know that as our CM you are so in touch with the grassroots and therefore you will read the blog of a this patriotic young Malaccan boy right. Blimey, I can even remember how to sing the state song!

But seriously, everybody loves Disney. What's there not to love? You have a fantasy world where there are no mosquitos, AIDs and where your 50 foot long silky blonde hair doesn't get dirty after dragging it through a tunnel (underneath a bar, and you know what goes into the the sewage system under bars, even in the real world where we drink less).

Besides the wonderful setting that elimnates/ignores lots of the trivial but annoying stuff we have here on Earth, you have the story. Oh, the story the story the story. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They fall in love. They face some bad guys and go on an adventure and win and it's awesome. That's the magic word: Adventure.

Now what really catches me is not so much the boy meets girl part (hehe) but the fact that the story is all about adventure. Isn't that nice? Travelling unknown lands, fighting monsters, making friends with exotic creatures, living in a castle, etc.

Instead, I sit here grappling with different things - concerns about the country (Merlimau and Kerdau - disappointing), those assignments, these presentations, that FYP, tests, this thing that thing those things.

But unlike Disney productions, my real life is... well.. real. And I can smell an adventure on the horizon. It's just that everything's fast-forwarded in the movies and my life isn't going to be crammed into a 2 hour show.

Come to meeee, adventure!!

Pippin is looking away into the horizon

Another Day on the Malaysian Train

I stood at the corner of the carriage, leaning against the walls with my luggage huddled immediately beneath. The faint odor of diesel and cigarette smoke was present in the air - a palimpsest of smell – signs of both fuels and cigarettes that have burned and burned away into the atmosphere, but not without leaving their own marks – like a hint of old memory.

Because of the Chinese New Year traffic jam from Melaka to Seremban, I had missed my train back to Kampar. As penance, I had to exchange the comforts of the modern ETS to take the commuter to KL Sentral before switching over to a night train to Ipoh. There I will stay over for a night at Elim Gospel Hall, making my way to Kampar only the next day.

The carriage was filled with people of all races, mostly Malays. I feel uncomfortable calling people Malays, or Indians or even Chinese, in fact. I feel like it separates us, although I think it shouldn’t and I wish it didn’t. I wonder if the labels of race had as acute an effect on people as it has on me.

Not that I need any additional reason to feel separate from others.

After all, I’m a very un-Chinese-like Chinese, a very un-Malaysian-like Malaysian and maybe even a very un-young-adult-like young adult. I can’t speak Chinese properly or write Chinese at all, I lived and studied in Singapore from the age of 14-18.. you get the picture.

I speak and write Bahasa Melayu well enough (PMR and ‘O’ Levels – ‘A’, if that means anything) but as I listened to the banter of the group of Malay (here I go again) friends around me, I realized that um, I probably don’t understand them too well. After all, in casual situations, nobody really speaks the proper Bahasa Melayu developed by Dewan Pustaka, but revert to the language in its more uncontrolled and natural form. This can be pretty hard to follow, if you’re a guy whose best Malay friends prefer speaking English or is his old Malay teacher (proper BM all the way!)

I feel like an alien, but I don’t want to be. Will I be fully accepted in this country I live in, or will I bloom only in the fringes of its society – with other fellas like me? What I want is to be accepted, not simply on the basis of my abilities and talents, or on my ideals, but simply by virtue of who I am – the good, the bad, the weird and the ugly.

If it doesn’t, that will be pretty sad, but it’ll be okay anyway.

The smell of diesel and cigarette smoke lingered in the air, clinging jealously to our clothes. You can forget us but we’re still here.

Grace

Just like Harry Potter to Dumbledore or Fernando Torres to Kenny Daglish, we all inevitably have people in our lives that we look up to as stable, reliable characters. And we treat these people as examples - but not only to effect a change in our own behaviour, but in themselves they provide us with some kind of psychological anchor. Such people have a calming effect.

And yet, from time to time, we may become disillusioned with some of them. They turn out to be less reliable and more human than our original impressions. This can be quite upsetting. I can foresee, in part, that Torres in particular and Liverpool fans in general are going to be quite disillusioned with Daglish over time.

BUT THEN hor, if we allow ourselves to think carefully, we realize that this is in no part any fault of theirs at all! In fact, it is all simply because we have formed incorrect conclusions about the people in question in the first place. We realize, then, that we're not all that different. They have problems, blind spots and weaknesses, just like ourselves - and once we realize this, we can overlook our crushed impressions and build our relationships on more solid ground. It is only when we know each other's ugly sides and accept them that we can build relationships that truly stand the test of time.

This is why I think sometimes that grace must be in part an exercise in truth. Grace is afforded to accept and love one another in spite of our failings because we are aware of certain important truths: that we are all sinful and fallen beings in our own measure, and that we are all recipients of Grace in the first place. The corollary of such truths would be that we are to live graciously.

So the question for me, of course is whether I've been living that way to its fullest extent. The answer, of course, is no - which is perfectly understandable but also very silly of me.

Jingle Bells

So recently a friend remarked to me that she can't really "tell what I've been up to" by reading my blog, because I don't really talk about what's been going on. Hm, why not give it a try.

So I've been on holiday for almost a week now - though it feels like much more than a week has passed since we overcame (or rather, were overcome by) our last paper, Professional Writing.

Christmas season was an especially happy one this year - I had a great dinner at home on the 24th. It was very nice to be able to pitch in my little skill-less help into the less-than-frenetic-as-usual Christmas dinner preparations. The dinner itself was really pleasant as I got to meet up with many old kawan-kawans and make new friends too.

Christmas itself was a really special day - Melaka Gospel Chapel put together an excellent Christmas Night. Besides being well prepared, I felt that it was genuine and sincere from start to finish - really touching and an appropriate way to present ourselves to the community.

On Boxing Day, a few of us participated in the Melaka Charity Run 2010. Clocked an okayy time of 28 minutes considering that I was running blind and didn't pace myself so well for the start. More importantly, a few of my churchmates ran their first ever race, which is always an awesome experience. Hope that they'll discover running to be a fulfilling endeavour just as I have.

So what have I been doing since then? Well, things have been pretty slow :( I've been reading a lot, especially some editions of The Economist. It's so analytical and insightful to the extent where I really really enjoy reading it. The level of reporting from our sycophantic mainstream media really pales in comparison.

Besides that, there hasn't been anything particularly fruitful about my post-Christmas. I've been progressively waking up later and later (10am today).

At the same time, Year 2 sem 3 has already begun to metaphorically knock on our doors. Our lecturer for Malaysian Literature in English has already emailed us one of our assignments, which is to write a critical review/analysis of a locally produced play. Ding dong!

The next semester may be a fortnight away, but it's there waiting for me: Fresh responsibilities in Kampar Gospel Hall, a potentially challenging academic semester, a running club to start, races to run, a Fellowship to be a part of, a committee to hand over and hopefully, more meaningful relationships to be made and deepened.

But that's for the future - I'd better settle the present first. Tomorrow, I'll get up early, go for a run, walk the dog, go for an early breakfast with parents and come back to clean the house before I let myself go reading again. And to top it all off, I'll end the day by watching Liverpool vs Wolves - don't let me down, mates!

Let's bring some order to our private lives.

The 20th Birthday Mile

If life is like a marathon, then I suppose that birthdays must be the distance markers along the route.

Twenty!!

Well, I've just hit the 20 mile marker on what I suppose must be my ultra-marathon of undefined distance. But hey, so what's the deal with birthdays and distance markers?

One thing about birthdays and distance markers, they're not really anything in themselves. Unlike bread, water and power gel stations, or toilets, they don't physically supplement you with anything. That is to say, if I were an organic robot that still needed nourishment, I would still need all of these things, but not the distance markers.

By the same virtue, birthdays are not things in themselves. They are not like lectures, tutorials, training sessions, sermons, exams or graduations. In other words, they're not what "really counts".

In spite of this, most runners think distance markers are important, and most people think birthdays are very important! Why?

The analogy continues. Distance markers help you know where you stand in a race. By knowing your time and distance traveled, you can tell whether you've run the race well thus far. Have things gone according to plan? Are you where you think you should be? Then you can make adjustments - whether to increase your pace or slow down if you're going too fast. For a junior runner like me, I get the kicks from seeing distance markers because it makes me think: "Wow! I've actually ran this far!".

I think you see where I'm going now. How you run near the distance marker isn't minutely as important as how you run the last 5km. How you live your birthdays then are nothing much in themselves - what is most important is how we live our other 364 days. But then again, we're human, and humans need milestones. Humans need to think and reflect on how they've been living and where they're heading. Birthdays are a special time that does that for you, if you let it.

My 20th birthday has probably been the best ever, not because of the celebrations, which were muted because of the exams. It's the best because of how I've run since the last distance marker. I started this marathon poorly, you know (most of us do), but I've finally learnt the secret of how to run a real race and I've been running like never before.

So I have two birthday wishes: one for myself and one for you, my friend.

The first, that I keep learning how to run better and better until the day I reach the finish line. Preferably, I won't stop.

The second is that we'll all be together there at the end.

Soulmate

Am I that different?

I think I'm certainly unique, but at the same I'm not really that one of a kind.

Errr..

Am I contradicting myself?

Oh yes! Paradox. But whatever la. To me, how I see myself isn't that important. It is written, "For where you treasure is, there your heart is also" - meaning that which we seek as the object of our desires will in turn define who we are.

So what do I want most of all?

Sometimes I get really lonely. Not lonesome (which implies being miserable), but lonely. It is normally the result of spending a protracted period of time contemplating scripture. This is no joke. I will get filled with the desire of wanting to pour everything out to someone, but at the same time I feel that guarded feeling of being unable to tell anyone.

What I need/want is a soulmate(s). You know, people that I can tell absolutely everything to, and who would understand more than I can put in words. By the same token, I'd hopefully do the same for him/her.

Of course, the world isn't just divided into a dichotomy of soulmates vs others. After becoming a real Christian I've come to be in fellowship with many brothers and sisters. In Christ we have a very special thing in common which runs so deep - it cannot be compared to stuff like being fans of the same football club or having similar tastes in music.

This is why it perplexes me that not all Christians are instantly my soulmates. I have met Christians that I feel an incredible resonance with. And I've experienced such resonance with lots of authors through their written work too.

Perhaps it is because while our struggles are common, each fight is unique. Our battles against sin are different, because we have different propensities towards different kinds of temptations. Our backgrounds are varied.

And then there's also the fact that the world isn't divided into a dichotomy of Christians and non-Christians either. Rather, there is a spectrum that we all fall in at one point or another. After all, this has to be the case if we are to make sense of the fact that we constantly want to grow to be more like Christ (and therefore more Christian) every day.

I used to have a soulmate. Then circumstances pulled us apart, and our walks are different now.

I think it's okay to want companionship - that is a very primal desire that God puts in us. Of course, as I always say, our desires are Godly if put in line with the Creators' original purpose: to bring us closer to Him.

This is maybe why I think God is putting me through this arid stage of life. I think He wants me to draw closer to Him, and to find my desire for a soulmate fulfilled in Him. He certainly does fit the bill, in ways even greater than I expect.

It's His way of reminding me that His grace is, was, and always will be sufficient for me.

He Stands at the Door and Knocks

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me"

- Revelations 3:20

"Here, then, is the crucial question which we have been leading up to. Have we ever opened our door to Christ? Have we ever invited him in? This was exactly the question which I needed to have put to me. For, intellectually speaking, I had believed in Jesus all my life, on the other side of the door. I had regularly struggled to say my prayers through the key-hole. I had even pushed pennies under the door in a vain attempt to pacify him. I had been baptized, yes and confirmed as well. I went to church, read my Bible, had high ideals, and tried to be good and do good. But all the time, often without realising it, I was holding Christ at arm's length, and keeping him outside. I knew that to open the door might have momentous consequences. I am profoundly grateful to him for enabling me to open the door. Looking back now over more than fifty years, I realise that that simple step has changed the entire direction, course and quality of my life"

John Stott

Reading this excerpt was moving indeed, as it made me remember the day I opened the door. And now I wonder how many of you reading this used to be like me, or used to be like Mr Stott.