Update Rebate

I've been an extremely active blogger recently... in my head.

Time's a-tickin, so I'll have to give the rebated version here.

The UTAR Express, taking you to...?

I don't really know exactly where I'll end up, but I know I'm going somewhere. The wheels are turning, and the scenery around me changes.

Whatever happens from here on, the fact remains that I'll only ever have 24 hours in a day.

I still lack the discipline. And I think I lack the heart, too.

I realize that I don't handle stress very well - and no matter what your abilities are, if you can't handle stress, these abilities are curtailed and your progress hits a glass ceiling.

Recently.... a few times, I've found myself sitting there and staring right at that glass ceiling... wondering what to do.

People see my abilities and ask for my time, and I don't blame them for that. Sometimes I say yes when I shouldn't. Sometimes I say no, and normally it turns out that it was the right choice. But all in all what bugs me is this apparent inability I have to really explain that when I'm at a loose end it doesn't matter how well I can do stuff.

And what bugs me even more is that I just explained it out in under a minute - after finding it so difficult to bring it up in conversation.

Maybe the flow of things just weren't right.

But enough about myself - I find other people more interesting anyway. I can firmly say that really helping people is one of those things that give me clarity. I say clarity, but I suppose you might call it joy. I like it a lot. When you're down, you feel like there's a cloud over your head and you're stuck in the haze. Joy feels like the clouds poof away and you're covered in light. Everything's bright. That's why I say it gives me clarity.

Also, I think I say "clarity" also because my head is working with conundrums most of the time. You know someone spends a lot of time thinking when his face always lights up when he finds a solution. It's like reaching the finish line.

But if you ever see me appearing unhelpful, it's probably because I think my help can be harmful. What I mean is that I spoil people a lot. Really a lot. I think people get used to me doing stuff, and I don't like that. Not only because feeling like you're being taken for granted is something nobody likes, but because I feel like I'm killing my friends if I spoil them. Really.

People wonder why I don't go all out trying to fix everything on my own in assignments anymore, but it's simply because we could all do with our share of learning. I'd like to facilitate that instead, but few people seem as interested in the subject matter as they are in their grades. Maybe if I try too hard to talk about the subject matter, people'll just think I'm trying to show off instead of the fact that I really feel learning is fun.

That is, of course, nothing out of the ordinary.

I think I've a lot of good people in my life :) A lot of interesting people too (not mutually exclusive).

And I think, the following weeks are going to be posing a lot of problems to solve - with maybe some flashes of clarity along the way.

Yay? Sigh?

Prime Time

Transformers 3 is coming out. Optimus Prime is cool.

"Autobots.. check me outzz"

Recently I've been sick of course, but let's not go there again.

The point is, I should be in KL now, going to bed early for my race at 5am. Instead, I'm in Kampar, tinkering with my FYP. Granted, it's more important, but that's not the reason why I'm here now.

In Team Miracle Mile, we use the term "Miracle Mile" a lot. It's our metaphor for goals, or the milestones we have in our pursuit of running. Sometimes the term comes to mind when you try to describe the feeling of making a certain pace or distance on the road.

As I grew in stature as a runner, my Miracle Miles became a whole lot cooler. From "finishing a 10k race without walking", I went to "getting a ranked position in the UTAR Run" and even "1:40 for Half Marathon".

These are all important. In their own contexts, they're equally important goals.

However, the situation I'm in right now means I have only one Miracle Mile immediately in mind:

I just want to get well and strong again.

And I'm not only talking about running. I want to live strong. There's been a malaise that I've been swimming in. I've been stuck in a rut. Hanging at a loose end. I know the feeling - I've been here before, and I think you know it too.

FYP, assignments, projects, cell group, discipleship training, bible study, marathons and relationships - these are all challenges that God has given me to not only accomplish, but excel and enjoy.

It's time to live high, live mighty, live righteously.

Not taking it easy.

Optimus Prime died but was revived by the Cube thingy in the second movie.

Optimus Prime is cool (Y)

The Yearn to Learn

The Library (just before completion)

I went to the library today and found myself slightly disoriented – they’ve rearranged the books on the shelves (must have been recently, since even Manmeet remarked that its’ new, and she seems like she goes regularly).

I was there to pick up books – I need stuff for Syntax & Morphology, and my FYP too. The books that I picked up in the end were colossal, and chockfull of cheem-ness.

With some effort, I can still follow what’s written in there, but not as well as I would’ve hoped that I could at this point in time. I’m still not bandying terminology and concepts around freely – as I would when talking epistemology after 2 years of KI. I feel a little bad because of that.

It’s not that I regret that my studies are not my first priority – very much subservient to my desire to know God and love people. That will never change. But I also have a notion that God wants me to do something out of my academic life – partly based on the premise that it matches the ability and preparation that I have. That is, of course, a notion – and I’m still seeking God on the matter.

But whatever it is, my lackadaisical approach to academics recently is not because I’ve been too involved in church, CF and other works. That’s a given. It’s just that I think I haven’t been able to maximize my time and keep my focus when I need to. It’s always been a problem, I guess – and the stark absence of the kind of inspirational and engaging tutors that I used to have makes it harder to get motivation. Even the docile yet wise Mr Kwan is badly missed L

If this is the situation, then it’s time for me to dig deep and look inwards. No matter what, I’m going to power through and finish this undergrad course without any regrets. That is, I want to be sure I have my hands firmly grasping the lower rungs of the academic ladder. After that is the climb.

If I’m going to present a learned self to my Lord, I want to be sure it’s a good one.