20/12/11

There are many kinds of sad - some are good, not all are bad :')

It's been a great 2.5 years in Kampar. After so many farewells, both in groups and with dear individuals, it's finally dawning on me that I'm leaving.

What can I write which may contain the breadth and depth of what I've been feeling, thinking, doing, witnessing and experiencing in these past few weeks, let alone the last 30 months?

Maybe I can explain how I feel. I feel a bit sad, and very moved. I also feel very humbled. A lot of great things have happened here in Kampar - and although one might say that I was deeply involved and active in these things, here at the end I feel more like I have been a spectator. I am a witness of the work of God. A servant also. That is all.

Maybe I should also talk about my thoughts for the future. Nothing's certain, but I have a lot of reassurance, a lot of hope and a lot of confidence that things will work out for the good.

And I pray that my brethren can also share in this hope.

Another adventure! And the hope of joyous reunion :)

Half or Hard Boiled Eggs

This morning we had prayer meeting.

Naturally, it was hard to even keep my eyes open at the beginning. Funnily enough, I did encounter something eye opening.

An old Chinese couple spotted that we were Christians in prayer, and so blessed us and had a chat.

Although clearly very advanced in age, both of them were proud to tell us that, wrinkles and white hair notwithstanding, they had no sickness whatsoever. In fact, they cycled to the Westlake Gardens for some morning exercise all the way from their homes in another part of Kampar. There are plenty of young adults in UTAR who wouldn't be willing to travel that far without a motorized vehicle.

Their daughter is a missionary and they're very proud of it. They soon cycled off, looking like a very cute and loving couple indeed.

We went for breakfast in Ghany and Steven Liew ordered half boiled eggs. A 50-ish year old man from the next table passed him the soy sauce. That man was probably a local, and he was eating half boiled egg with his father, who was munching on a hard boiled egg. They chatted softly over their eggy breakfast and kopi.

His father, as one might expect, was probably an octogenarian, though of course we did not ask. No need to interrupt breakfast between father and son.

And I find it so hard to wake up early enough in the mornings to have a walk and breakfast with Ma and Pa. That has got to change.

Morning

Am back in Kampar after easily travelling more than 1500 kilometers in the past 2 weeks. It's been really tiring, and I wasn't even the one driving. My dad must be exhausted.

Life's got to move on. Everybody else is, anyway. People have got work to do and a living to be made - all I need to do is work on FYP, finish my presentations, study for exams, besides CG, CF and church commitments. It's actually not much, when put into perspective.

Yes, I need to stand up, dust myself off and get on living properly. It's what Gung Gung would have wanted. Indeed, hard and even harsh work was how he lived. And he lived an exemplary life.

I can imagine all the treasure waiting for him in heaven, and the big smiles that will greet him there. You can only really be happy for him, you know.

I think it'll be a long time till we meet again, though strictly speaking that's not in my hands. Seeya.

Update Rebate

I've been an extremely active blogger recently... in my head.

Time's a-tickin, so I'll have to give the rebated version here.

The UTAR Express, taking you to...?

I don't really know exactly where I'll end up, but I know I'm going somewhere. The wheels are turning, and the scenery around me changes.

Whatever happens from here on, the fact remains that I'll only ever have 24 hours in a day.

I still lack the discipline. And I think I lack the heart, too.

I realize that I don't handle stress very well - and no matter what your abilities are, if you can't handle stress, these abilities are curtailed and your progress hits a glass ceiling.

Recently.... a few times, I've found myself sitting there and staring right at that glass ceiling... wondering what to do.

People see my abilities and ask for my time, and I don't blame them for that. Sometimes I say yes when I shouldn't. Sometimes I say no, and normally it turns out that it was the right choice. But all in all what bugs me is this apparent inability I have to really explain that when I'm at a loose end it doesn't matter how well I can do stuff.

And what bugs me even more is that I just explained it out in under a minute - after finding it so difficult to bring it up in conversation.

Maybe the flow of things just weren't right.

But enough about myself - I find other people more interesting anyway. I can firmly say that really helping people is one of those things that give me clarity. I say clarity, but I suppose you might call it joy. I like it a lot. When you're down, you feel like there's a cloud over your head and you're stuck in the haze. Joy feels like the clouds poof away and you're covered in light. Everything's bright. That's why I say it gives me clarity.

Also, I think I say "clarity" also because my head is working with conundrums most of the time. You know someone spends a lot of time thinking when his face always lights up when he finds a solution. It's like reaching the finish line.

But if you ever see me appearing unhelpful, it's probably because I think my help can be harmful. What I mean is that I spoil people a lot. Really a lot. I think people get used to me doing stuff, and I don't like that. Not only because feeling like you're being taken for granted is something nobody likes, but because I feel like I'm killing my friends if I spoil them. Really.

People wonder why I don't go all out trying to fix everything on my own in assignments anymore, but it's simply because we could all do with our share of learning. I'd like to facilitate that instead, but few people seem as interested in the subject matter as they are in their grades. Maybe if I try too hard to talk about the subject matter, people'll just think I'm trying to show off instead of the fact that I really feel learning is fun.

That is, of course, nothing out of the ordinary.

I think I've a lot of good people in my life :) A lot of interesting people too (not mutually exclusive).

And I think, the following weeks are going to be posing a lot of problems to solve - with maybe some flashes of clarity along the way.

Yay? Sigh?

No Day But Today

There is no future

There is no past

Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us

There's only this

Forget - regret - or life is yours to miss.

No other road

No other way

No day but today -

-"Rent: The Musical"

Recently I went for Shu Ern and Wendy's convocation in KL. It's the first convo I've been to in my life, really - both Jie Jie and Kor Kor's ceremonies were in the UK (I miss them a lot)

Wisma MCA (Convo building) was full of people. Full of flowers and soft toys, too. There were young adults like us, young kids like those in Sunday School, little toddlers like Jaron, grown ups like Papa and Mama and elderly people like Ah Ma and Kong Kong.

People from all walks of life and all stages of life, all congregated there to celebrate the same thing: a rite of passage that tells the world,

"Hey there world, here I am, educated and ready! Let me show you what that means and what I've got,"

I really have no idea what I'll feel like when my turn comes (I suppose it will). I just hope that at that moment, I'll still be madly in love - with God and people. It's the only way to really live without regrets.

Happy Birthday Ma

A few days ago was my mom's birthday, and I wrote this for her.

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Hi Ma, this is for you:

Specially for Mama

My Mummy was born on this day years ago

A little baby in Singapore

And at that time, how lil’ did she know

The things she had in store

She grew up - a baby into a lady

And one day met my Pa

When they fell in love she didn’t say maybe

Got married in Malaysia

There must have been many an adventure

Inserted into their story

Each memory itself a jeweled treasure

They submit to the Father’s glory.

Yet there must be a particular highlight

Something above the rest

A part of Ma’s life that nothing can fight

Her children: they are the best!

Not that I’m giving myself applause

I couldn’t stoop so low

But I think we are the best because

Mama treated us so.

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Hi ma, thank you so much for loving us and caring for us so far in our lives.

I don’t know how I can ever repay you in any real way – but I know I can try my best to be a good man of God that both you and Papa can be proud of. I just like you to know that I know both you and Papa always try to be the best parents you can be for us and I’ll continually look forward to those times when I can come home. Do not worry, whatever place Mama and Papa are at will always be home to us, just as we are always your children.

Your beloved son, Ah Derk