Lean on Me!

Everybody needs to depend on other people. Yes, we do that, even when it’s bad for us. We seem to be hard wired that way.

But the problem is, people are inherently unreliable, right?

Everybody makes mistakes that can hurt the others around us. Sometimes we even do such things intentionally, out of our negative emotions.. Ever got caught up in the spur of the moment?

This is why forgiveness is so crucial. Forgiveness has no value where there is perfection, but in the imperfect reality that we are part of, forgiveness is the one thing that can save.

Jesus demonstrated  this – big time – on the cross, when he let himself be killed for the forgiveness of our sins, which are against God and against each other (which, in a roundabout way, is against God too)

Now He’s alive again, and asks us to live like how He did until the time comes for His return:

Forgive each other!

Do not take revenge for yourself!

Love your enemies!

Can you hear His word?

Ultimately, we still need to rely on people. But if you ever find that people are just too unreliable, you can still trust in Jesus, who is perfect, without blemish (I don’t mean in a L’Oreal kinda way) and is ever present in the lives of those who put their hope in Him.

The peace and security that comes from Jesus will eventually give you the courage you need to trust other people too. You know that even if others let you down, our dependable God will be there to lift us up. David said, “Though my mother and father forsake me the Lord will receive me” (Psalms 27).

Parenthesis: I don’t mean that my parents have been forsaking me (Hi Ma and Pa!), they love me a lot. But in some people’s case, it’s true. The evidence is that apparently David wasn’t treated very well in his family – being the “runt” and all that.

So ah, if you got ears, listen! Rely on God first – you will find in Him a sense of security that will transform your lives. The stronger your relationship with God, the more able you will be to forgive and trust people without fear. Guaranteed. (And by the way, you can't have a father-children relationship with God unless you accept Jesus first, because only Jesus can make us acceptable to God the Father)

Just pray to accept Jesus into your life and let Him take control. His perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18), and sets us on a path of a new life, filled with love, truth and the Spirit. 

The "Central" Question.

Last week, Uncle Yam talked about putting Christ at the center of the church, and today Uncle Cheah shared about obedience to God’s calling – doing what God wants you to do, rather than doing “something” for God. I feel very much convicted through God’s Word as expounded by these two brothers.

The words from these two brothers still resonate in my echoic memory. Uncle Yam pointed out that if people come to church and CF consistently yet go away knowing more about you (the leaders) and about how interesting, kind, attractive or whatever that you are, rather than knowing more about Jesus then something must be wrong, and we need to reexamine our focus. Are we really giving glory to God, and pointing people to the only One who can save them: Jesus? In short, are we a Christ-centered ministry?

In practice, do we do as Joseph and Daniel did (Genesis 41, Daniel 2), who when credited with the ability to correctly interpret prophetic dreams, answered that it is the work of God, and not of man?

In the course of our service, we’ll be bound to pull off lots of really cool stuff. We’ll succeed from time to time. That’s for sure. In the rain of applause that always seem to come after every victory (it’s in our culture, it seems), might we, even for a moment, fall into the temptation of indulging in a moment of self pride and accomplishment?

More thought has to be put into how, through every detail in our walk with God, the people we come into contact with (either personally or collectively) can be pointed firmly to our Lord Jesus who saves.

After all, who are we serving? Who?

The Yearn to Learn

The Library (just before completion)

I went to the library today and found myself slightly disoriented – they’ve rearranged the books on the shelves (must have been recently, since even Manmeet remarked that its’ new, and she seems like she goes regularly).

I was there to pick up books – I need stuff for Syntax & Morphology, and my FYP too. The books that I picked up in the end were colossal, and chockfull of cheem-ness.

With some effort, I can still follow what’s written in there, but not as well as I would’ve hoped that I could at this point in time. I’m still not bandying terminology and concepts around freely – as I would when talking epistemology after 2 years of KI. I feel a little bad because of that.

It’s not that I regret that my studies are not my first priority – very much subservient to my desire to know God and love people. That will never change. But I also have a notion that God wants me to do something out of my academic life – partly based on the premise that it matches the ability and preparation that I have. That is, of course, a notion – and I’m still seeking God on the matter.

But whatever it is, my lackadaisical approach to academics recently is not because I’ve been too involved in church, CF and other works. That’s a given. It’s just that I think I haven’t been able to maximize my time and keep my focus when I need to. It’s always been a problem, I guess – and the stark absence of the kind of inspirational and engaging tutors that I used to have makes it harder to get motivation. Even the docile yet wise Mr Kwan is badly missed L

If this is the situation, then it’s time for me to dig deep and look inwards. No matter what, I’m going to power through and finish this undergrad course without any regrets. That is, I want to be sure I have my hands firmly grasping the lower rungs of the academic ladder. After that is the climb.

If I’m going to present a learned self to my Lord, I want to be sure it’s a good one.

Soulmate

Am I that different?

I think I'm certainly unique, but at the same I'm not really that one of a kind.

Errr..

Am I contradicting myself?

Oh yes! Paradox. But whatever la. To me, how I see myself isn't that important. It is written, "For where you treasure is, there your heart is also" - meaning that which we seek as the object of our desires will in turn define who we are.

So what do I want most of all?

Sometimes I get really lonely. Not lonesome (which implies being miserable), but lonely. It is normally the result of spending a protracted period of time contemplating scripture. This is no joke. I will get filled with the desire of wanting to pour everything out to someone, but at the same time I feel that guarded feeling of being unable to tell anyone.

What I need/want is a soulmate(s). You know, people that I can tell absolutely everything to, and who would understand more than I can put in words. By the same token, I'd hopefully do the same for him/her.

Of course, the world isn't just divided into a dichotomy of soulmates vs others. After becoming a real Christian I've come to be in fellowship with many brothers and sisters. In Christ we have a very special thing in common which runs so deep - it cannot be compared to stuff like being fans of the same football club or having similar tastes in music.

This is why it perplexes me that not all Christians are instantly my soulmates. I have met Christians that I feel an incredible resonance with. And I've experienced such resonance with lots of authors through their written work too.

Perhaps it is because while our struggles are common, each fight is unique. Our battles against sin are different, because we have different propensities towards different kinds of temptations. Our backgrounds are varied.

And then there's also the fact that the world isn't divided into a dichotomy of Christians and non-Christians either. Rather, there is a spectrum that we all fall in at one point or another. After all, this has to be the case if we are to make sense of the fact that we constantly want to grow to be more like Christ (and therefore more Christian) every day.

I used to have a soulmate. Then circumstances pulled us apart, and our walks are different now.

I think it's okay to want companionship - that is a very primal desire that God puts in us. Of course, as I always say, our desires are Godly if put in line with the Creators' original purpose: to bring us closer to Him.

This is maybe why I think God is putting me through this arid stage of life. I think He wants me to draw closer to Him, and to find my desire for a soulmate fulfilled in Him. He certainly does fit the bill, in ways even greater than I expect.

It's His way of reminding me that His grace is, was, and always will be sufficient for me.

He Stands at the Door and Knocks

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me"

- Revelations 3:20

"Here, then, is the crucial question which we have been leading up to. Have we ever opened our door to Christ? Have we ever invited him in? This was exactly the question which I needed to have put to me. For, intellectually speaking, I had believed in Jesus all my life, on the other side of the door. I had regularly struggled to say my prayers through the key-hole. I had even pushed pennies under the door in a vain attempt to pacify him. I had been baptized, yes and confirmed as well. I went to church, read my Bible, had high ideals, and tried to be good and do good. But all the time, often without realising it, I was holding Christ at arm's length, and keeping him outside. I knew that to open the door might have momentous consequences. I am profoundly grateful to him for enabling me to open the door. Looking back now over more than fifty years, I realise that that simple step has changed the entire direction, course and quality of my life"

John Stott

Reading this excerpt was moving indeed, as it made me remember the day I opened the door. And now I wonder how many of you reading this used to be like me, or used to be like Mr Stott.

Home

Today at Bible Study/Prayer Meeting we sang a few songs. Many of them were about the life that is to come, and the hope we place in them - with one in particular that really moved me.

It's an old country song, like all the songs that we sang during the meeting - and though I've been exposed to many modern worship songs with elaborate instrumental arrangements, I don't ever recall being so moved by a single song before in a long, long time. So we sang together in that room (no harmonizing) with Uncle Samson hacking away at his guitar:

"This world is not my home, I'm just a-passing thru'

My treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue,

The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

O Lord, I know I have no Friend like you

If Heaven's not my home, O Lord what will I do?

The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore."

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqRpyG0W96k&feature=related)

Today has been a different day for me. As you might be able to tell from my previous post, I've been thinking about all the things I've been getting involved with around me. Just today, I celebrated a sister's birthday, I ran 11km with the uncles, I read Scripture, I started planning for a big upcoming event, I thought about next week's CF session that I'll also be co-chairing and I went to Bible Study/Prayer Meeting to have fellowship and to build the church.

Yes, these are all things I value. I value my brothers and sisters, and my friends. I value the challenge of improving myself through running. I value these events that I believe can enrich other people's lives, as a corollary of being light and salt. I value the CF as the Christian presence on campus. I value the church that so gracefully accepted me and gave me a foundation of fellowship in Kampar. I value the experience of deepening one's insight in His word.

Yet, at a moment like this all of these are overwhelmed with a singular longing, which is to be in Heaven at the side of Jesus - who is a dear friend like no other

"Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

The Small Gate and the Narrow Road

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

These days it has really struck me just how small the gate and narrow the road it really is - and it makes me feel very sad indeed, that so many people don't want to find it.

But you know what? In spite of being small and narrow, it is very beautiful, and the place that it leads to is even more beautiful.

Sometimes I don't know why people don't walk this way, and I don't know why people can't even take their eyes off that big path that leads to destruction. It makes me think of the winding, mazy path that leads to that beautiful sanctuary of Rivendell, in contrast with the colossal black gate that leads to the black lands of Mordor.

But I guess that's where we come in. I'm not exactly the best guide, but I do know the way to the narrow path, because the greatest Guide of all has brought me there. Through I know how to get there, it might be quite hard for me to lead others, but then maybe in the midst of trying, the original Guide will appear and take over - He knows I'm not that good on my own.

Thank God for God

Strictly speaking, there is a distinction between help that comes from God and help that comes from the people around you. However, we can't ever limit His flexibility, and I dare say I thank God for being who He is, and bringing the right people at the right time to come and say the right words and do the right things, totally without realising it.

Thank you God for being God, and when the chips are down my short-sightedness gets a little better and I can see You for who You are.

Who will He send me next, a Timothy to nurture, or a Paul to rebuke? Maybe Priscilla and Aquila to show care, or an Epaphras to be a fellow-prisoner. Perhaps even a nameless good Samaritan.

Never limit God, my friends, and never limit how He uses the people in your midst.

How do you measure a heart?l

How do you measure a heart, and what is its’ worth?

Occasionally we hear it said that we are to seek God with all our heart, and that it is our hearts that God desires.

But somehow, I catch myself wondering whether my heart is of any worth at all to begin with.

I tell you the truth, because the truth is at least something of real value that I know I can give.. and the truth is I don’t really understand what is in a heart to begin with.

”The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

Are we measured by the intensity of our feelings? Or defined by the things that we long for? What?

In spite of the fact that I have no understanding, my heart is dear to me and I feel it… and somehow I also feel that this alone isn’t enough. I really do.

And this is an idea that I’ve been struggling and praying about for some time, so that now something has occurred to me, and it is this:

I think that we are somehow wired to think that being alone is insufficient. There is no such thing as absolute independence. The fact that my heart is dear to me alone is not enough to live with and I think that this is the same for you too, dear reader. What we crucially need lies beyond this, and is to know that our hearts are dear to others.

This is why people without love or people who do not realize that they are loved, live in such a broken manner. This is why people with a loving family are more likely to stand tall in times of trial. This is also why people of the world pursue romantic love as the highest ideal and as the pinnacle of what it means to be human.

We Christians, we’re different, though. It is our commission to love one another, but we believe that this desire for Another and for our hearts to be recognized and cherished by that Other, isn’t put into us simply for us to find its fulfillment through worldly or humanly means that do not last.

This thirst for love is to direct us to our Lord, who himself said:

“Everyone who drinks shall be thirsty again, but whomsoever shall drink the water I give unto him shall never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

John 4:14

If you’re reading this and you also have that thirst for love, then you needn’t thirst any longer. There is a God of Love with enough for all of us. If He carried me, I know that He will carry you too. All you need to do is ask Him. This is also the Truth.

For myself, this Truth makes me realize that yes, my heart is of great value! Simply because the Lord asks for it first above all the others things that are in my possession.

And this also is the Truth.

Home, with a difference.

Here I am, home in Melaka.

It's always a little unreal to be back. I always get this feeling like I haven't been back in a long time. It's an awkward confluence of both the familiar and the alien - I somehow feel that I am a stranger, but a stranger in a place that is steeped with memories and connections. And after a short while of floating in a distance, I settle back into those familiar memories and connections - and I'm home again.

The truth is that I've been here a mere 3 weeks ago during study break, but as I always say, our experience of time is not simply a matter of the passing of seasons or of hours or of days - it is also a matter of what happens within that physical span of time.

A significant three weeks? Why, certainly. I grappled with exams and tried (and to a large extent failed) to focus with the kind of concentration that I aspire to. I presented all my worries, anxieties, cares and supplications to Him. I grew much closer in my walk with many of the brethren here. I grew to rely on Him all the more, and He chose to reveal to me more about the kind of man He wants me to be - not simply a collection of abstract principles but a concrete manifestation of these ideals.

There was the committee retreat, where I decided to never again back down from confronting our problems. I will pray, think, talk, discuss and ACT upon them. We cannot let this slide. When you see the smoke, do not say that there is no fire - look for it and put it out, because the fire burns the tree which is the family of God, and that is far too precious to me and to us and most of all, to Him.

So yes, in a few hours, I will settle down again into the familiarity of Home, but this time, it is Home with a difference, that I am here to make myself different for Him. Can I walk closer with Him in the next 11 days, and in doing so be genuinely nearer to being a true man of God?

I commit myself to persevering in His word, and in doing so, may I bear fruit that is pleasing in His eyes. Please pray for me.

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

And there it is, I see it and understand.

Declaration of Dependence.

It is the 27^th of August, 2010. Although Malaysia’s national day is in 4 days time, yesterday was the special occasion that I declared my own, personal “Independence Day”.

This is because I finally submitted my PTPTN documents and finished my last piece of coursework (a presentation). “Independence” might be too strong a word to use in this case – the saga is from over. My complexified PTPTN application process (irregular qualifications) is still subject to some board meeting that will finally decide on whether its valid or not (oh, wishy washy administration! D: ) and finals begin in just over 2 weeks!

Still, it felt incredible to finally get this all over with – I’m going to take a break this weekend to catch up on my sleep, prepare for next week’s CF and oh yeah, I’m teaching in KGH’s Youth Fellowship this weekend. Just a rest-up before plunging myself into exam season.

But I guess I really want to make this post because of a few things that I’m pretty grateful for, and a few things that I’ve become aware of.

Lots of things happened when I was applying for the loan. First of all, the loan is important to me but straight up I admit I got could be less negligent about things – such as how I didn’t print the explanatory notes for ‘O’ and ‘A’ level results (which was required because its not a Malaysian qualification) and how I didn’t know I had to strike out this or that. And my signing & agreement session was the last day (set aside for the FAS) and I went pretty late (had a presentation before).

In the end, they had to take so long to process my unusual application that I just sorta made it in time before they closed. In that case I’m grateful that somehow, when I was lining up, the line suddenly moved super fast so that I could reach the officer in time to find out that I needed the exp notes and so had the time to go back, fetch, copy and certify them. And I mean like, the 3 rows moved in 10 minutes, as opposed to in the morning when it reportedly took an hour to move 3 rows of applicants!

As I began walking back to Westlake in my full formal attire (black) and under the scorching sun, the only thought going through my mind that I was immensely thankful to God that I had like 1.5 hours to come back with the documents – it would only take me about 45 minutes if I walked quickly and then cycled from home. Hot? Nevermind loh, its like that one mah.

It’s at that moment when I heard a “Beep!” sound coming from behind – it was Mr Renu’s car horn.

“Ngee Derk! What’re you doing walking? Come in la!”

MANNN I was really really happy at that moment and in the end, I managed to submit all my documents without a hitch and talk with the PTPTN officers, who were really nice and helpful people.

So what’s the point of this rather long story? That night, Eric, Renjie, Edmund and I met up for worship practice and Eric chose to begin by asking us about where we stand in our walk with God. His point was that if we’re going to lead with worship we need to examine our relationship and set ourselves right before Him (among many other points). I felt it was good of him to think this way – I wonder how many people are conscious of the gravity of what worship means before they “go about” it – and having a sound relationship with Him gives you that consciousness, I think.

“For obedience is better than sacrifice”

Furthermore, to conduct a worship “session” in a manner pleasing to God we would have to be very much worshipping in the fullest sense of the word – which is a matter of how we choose to think, act, speak and live in respect to Him.

So I thought about what had happened earlier that afternoon. God really surprises a lot you know, and sometimes you don’t pray for certain needs (because you either don’t expect them or rather, as in my case, I think sometimes I’m too silly to realise I need some things) but God knows them perfectly and does as He sees fit.

Conversely, sometimes we pray for things that we don’t need or that might even be bad for us. Sometimes we know it’s bad for us but we still pray for it. Stupid, right? But that’s what we are from time to time. In my case, God has made sure I didn’t get them, and much later gave me the realization that such requests are not good for me anyway.

Of course, I always insert the clause “Let Your will be done” and “Do as You see fit” in my prayers, because I understand that God’s ways are far above that of Men. So maybe I’m not TOO stupid. Ok ok *pats myself on the back*

Praying is not simply a matter of gratifying or satisfying wants, as some people might sometimes put it. I think, prayer teaches us a lot about God and how He wants to relate to each and every one of us. It pulls us closer to abide in Him because He reminds us of just how much we are living by His grace and not our own strength. And I think I can think of nothing better to ask for than what has already been given: His grace and salvation that comes through Jesus Christ.

This is my Declaration of Dependence – to gladly accept the hand that is stooping down from much higher places to just to give us that lift that we can’t get by ourselves.

So, will my PTPTN loan be passed and accepted? Will I make it past the finals well enough? What about next semester, or the next? What about the upcoming Evangelistic Meeting, the Christian Fellowship, or Kampar Gospel Hall? What will I do after graduating?

The answers will come in time but I think you know where or from whom I will seek them.

The sun rises on a new day

"I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me - ....

... I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel. Peace, peace to those far and near," says the Lord, "and I will heal them"

And so there's hope for all of us - not because of anything we've done or can do, but by grace.

Going Up and Coming Down

Sometimes you go somewhere looking for something, and find something else.

And to your surprise, what you find might be of more valuable than the thing you seek.

As a brother from Tanah Rata shared, our God is a God of surprises.

Jensen thought he was getting away from all the birthday-ish stuff by going up. He didn't quite get to, and found a Guns & Roses CD instead. Haha.

But seriously. I went up Cameron full of expectations about relaxing and having a lot of unconventional fun. I went up seeking respite from what has frankly been a few unbearable weeks, in terms of workload (at least, according to my admittedly low threshold of what constitutes 'unbearable'). Now I DID find it, but I also realized something more.

Come to me, all you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I shall give you rest

How ironic then that most of the work that has been bonking me out centers around His ministry. I really need to think and pray about how I approach this. On one hand, we are not to be fair-weather Christians - but well, if the extent of work jeopardizes my own personal walk with God, then I either need to handle my time better or learn how to say No to more responsibilities, or both.

I fell sick in Cameron, and I had to be sent to the hospital to be treated. Now normally you'd see that as a pretty big bummer right? I suppose it was, for the parts when I was like ughhhdyingggg like on the way to the hospital and when I was being treated, but you know ah, it's not really a bad thing you know.

In a really weird way, I was sorta happy as I lay sick on the bed in our chalet. My friends were taking such good care of me I couldn't have smiling. It's like being at home. 4 years in CJCH and a year in Westlake and I don't recall being taken care of so well. That's the worst part about being sick away from home because your family isn't there for you, but up there, it was like I was with family anyway :)

Christians call each other brothers and sisters, and it's not just for show, not when a bond is made through the blood of Jesus.

Wouldn't change a single thing that happened up there. Seeya next time :)

IIR 2010

Hah.. 6 days after the race, I now got a winkling of time to post something about the past race.

IIR stands for Ipoh International Run, which about 15 friends and I took part in on the 18th of July. Among my contact list, Kelvin Wong and Jensen Chen are two of them.

Well I don't really feel like blogging about the run anymore, mainly because I already did a write-up for our running club website: Team Miracle Mile!

Once the website's worked things out I'll post the link here eheh heh heh.

Life has been pretty hectic recently, at least by my standards (it may not be considered hectic to people who are better organised). I need to orrrrgannise myself pleassse.

Spend every moment knowing that I can use it for the glory of the Almighty.

And so here I go! Wish me the best!

There is a Mountain

I want to be a teacher, true story!

Recently I was having the "So what do you want to do after uni?" chat with a freshie and she remarked: "Wow, I've never met anyone who wants to become a teacher like how you do!" with a big smile.

Yeap, I want to teach. And I get excited when thinking about it and can't wait. (Experienced teachers tell me not to get overly excited, and to enjoy my uni life as much as possible - I think they're right)

The thing is, I guess I've never really been a purpose driven person. Prior to beginning my uni life I've been a floater of epic proportions. It doesn't help that I studied Knowledge & Inquiry and Literature. Abstract concepts seem to occupy such a significant part of my psyche that I always to delay or procrastinate the nitty gritty stuff, like paperwork, applications and the ilk. This is one part of my life that seriously need to grow too - I don't think I'll be of much use ruminating on an armchair. Meanwhile, the thing I've decided on is to be as useful as possible to needy people (as a teacher).

In other words I need to learn to bite myself and sit down and really grind out work whenever I have to - I'm incredibly weak in this, while some people already know how to do this from the age of 12 or whatever.

Important that may be, but it's not the main point of this post.

I want to teach in Malaysia, seriously. Because I think there's such a need. It makes more sense to want to be useful where the need is greater - simply because I guess it's a good way to think, and if everybody thought that way instead of pursuing the path of greatest pleasure, maybe the world would be a better place. That being said, I suppose in a way I AM pursuing the path of greatest pleasure, because I can't really think of anything that gives me more pleasure than the idea that I'm being useful in empowering other people. The way I see it, absolute altruism is unachievable, but the best thing people can do is marry their interests with the good of others, such that their 'selfishness' also brings about positive change.

This is the selfishness that I profess, when the happiness of others is mine as well. I say this as an ideal of course, even though it's more achievable than altruism, it is still unbelievably tough to achieve. All I hope for is that day by day I slowly bridge the gap between my words and my true conduct, which is pretty wide.

Now, having said that, I'm brought to the concluding point of this post. When my friend said what she said to me, I realised that I must sound extremely enthusiastic, and I am! But I'm not blind to the fact that it's gonna be tough. There are just so many systemic weaknesses to our education system - stumbling blocks that have left us far behind Singapore (not that they're the best or that there aren't better examples around, just that I've got 4 years of experience there so I have the right to make comparisons). I'm not just going to finger the system, but I suppose teaching in itself will be really tough.

Moody as I am, I know I will get depressed, discouraged (prematurely), lazy or whatever. I might lose my passion from time to time. But passion and commitment are two different things - commitment is not a matter of emotions but character. And character is something that anyone can cultivate and access. So I'll have to rely on strength of character.

Of course, I have my family. I have my friends. I have God. Most of all, I have the realization that I need all of them to pull through.

I'm not on my own.