Morning

Am back in Kampar after easily travelling more than 1500 kilometers in the past 2 weeks. It's been really tiring, and I wasn't even the one driving. My dad must be exhausted.

Life's got to move on. Everybody else is, anyway. People have got work to do and a living to be made - all I need to do is work on FYP, finish my presentations, study for exams, besides CG, CF and church commitments. It's actually not much, when put into perspective.

Yes, I need to stand up, dust myself off and get on living properly. It's what Gung Gung would have wanted. Indeed, hard and even harsh work was how he lived. And he lived an exemplary life.

I can imagine all the treasure waiting for him in heaven, and the big smiles that will greet him there. You can only really be happy for him, you know.

I think it'll be a long time till we meet again, though strictly speaking that's not in my hands. Seeya.

Loon(e)y Tunes

Loony is a weird word. Loony.

The person above is Luna Lovegood, a character from Harry Potter the movie. She's also called Loony Luna, because she does weird stuff.

As I read Harry Potter, I actually liked her character a lot. She's a really good person who is brave, cherishes her friends and does not mind being seen as unorthodox (or being bullied, for that matter). Yup, she's treated pretty badly. One of the reasons why I think Harry Potter is so unrealistic is how none of the teachers or prefects or decent folks in the school do anything about the bullying.

But then again, that could probably be more realistic portrayal of most schools *Cynical Face On* There's one part where Luna placidly explains to Harry that people enjoy taking her stuff and hiding it in awkward places. At the end of every school term, she has to post up long notices of all the stuff she's lost, hoping that they'd return.

Magical world or not, the social structure in schools can be nasty, huh.

I'm in university now, though I sometimes call it "school". Like, "Eh, what time you going school ah?"

Oops.

People say that, technically, I should be having the time of my life now.

That makes a lot of sense. I am enjoying myself. I've got a lot to be grateful for - picking up interests, developing skills, having great friends, learning some important things.. I guess I will be coming out a more competent, complete, thoughtful and purpose driven person. That ain't so bad.

Yet, there's always a "BUT" sign that has to be hung up somewhere in my head every time people ask me if I'm enjoying myself. Some kind of caveat, I suppose - the less pleasant side of the story. I could choose to be all positive or all negative, but neither can be totally true without the other, and normally it just takes too much time to explain things. And if I don't explain things properly, then I get misunderstood. And I'm not so sure people want to hear my long stories anyway.

Sorta the kind of conversation that you'd take a half marathon to complete. Want to find out? Run with me lah. Haha.

Like and unlike Luna, I think I might be getting slightly loony. Not "crazy" in a straightforward way, but probably just mentally or psychologically frayed. Stress related, I suppose.

I was ambling by Block D when I spotted a booth that the Counselling and Care unit set up, labelled "Personality Test". I went up and tried for it, partly to find out what it says about me and partly because I'm the kind of guy who likes to scrutinize research methodologies. (Maybe I AM loony)

Once I started I knew the test was poorly labelled and wasn't a Personality Test per se, but a test on my emotional health.

"Alamak.. are these fellars psychology students?"

Finished it anyway and let the lady tabulate my scores (she wasn't a psychology student, just a volunteer helper. very nice of her to spend her time in that way)

I received the diagnosis that I have Severe anxiety and stress levels. Yet, at the same time, the test showed that I am also very contented and satisfied with my life. I won't tell you what I think of the methodology.

A few days later, the campus counsellor (certified one) called me up and asked if we could meet up to check on whether I'm okay. Never met him before, but he was sent my results slip.

That's actually really nice of them - even in my days in SJI and CJCH, no one was really went all the way to that extent to check up on us students, in spite of the resources that the schools had and the fact that they were both Catholic mission schools.

I declined to go meet them though, because I know what's my problem la.. but it was nice to have that concern coming from some people I don't know.

How will I feel, by the end of my university life?

I don't really know.

All I know is that this probably isn't sustainable.

And that while it's better than being apathetic, but there are wiser ways to live out our ideals.

And that, in the midst of all the things I'm doing right now, what I really really want to do is go visit my grandparents in Singapore.

Hatchoo!

Being sick is extremely humbling.

You can be as talented, skilled or trained as you want, but when you are sick, you're about as effective as a soggy turnip and as capable as an onion peel.

Clearly, the use of silly similes mean I need to go to bed

Update Rebate

I've been an extremely active blogger recently... in my head.

Time's a-tickin, so I'll have to give the rebated version here.

The UTAR Express, taking you to...?

I don't really know exactly where I'll end up, but I know I'm going somewhere. The wheels are turning, and the scenery around me changes.

Whatever happens from here on, the fact remains that I'll only ever have 24 hours in a day.

I still lack the discipline. And I think I lack the heart, too.

I realize that I don't handle stress very well - and no matter what your abilities are, if you can't handle stress, these abilities are curtailed and your progress hits a glass ceiling.

Recently.... a few times, I've found myself sitting there and staring right at that glass ceiling... wondering what to do.

People see my abilities and ask for my time, and I don't blame them for that. Sometimes I say yes when I shouldn't. Sometimes I say no, and normally it turns out that it was the right choice. But all in all what bugs me is this apparent inability I have to really explain that when I'm at a loose end it doesn't matter how well I can do stuff.

And what bugs me even more is that I just explained it out in under a minute - after finding it so difficult to bring it up in conversation.

Maybe the flow of things just weren't right.

But enough about myself - I find other people more interesting anyway. I can firmly say that really helping people is one of those things that give me clarity. I say clarity, but I suppose you might call it joy. I like it a lot. When you're down, you feel like there's a cloud over your head and you're stuck in the haze. Joy feels like the clouds poof away and you're covered in light. Everything's bright. That's why I say it gives me clarity.

Also, I think I say "clarity" also because my head is working with conundrums most of the time. You know someone spends a lot of time thinking when his face always lights up when he finds a solution. It's like reaching the finish line.

But if you ever see me appearing unhelpful, it's probably because I think my help can be harmful. What I mean is that I spoil people a lot. Really a lot. I think people get used to me doing stuff, and I don't like that. Not only because feeling like you're being taken for granted is something nobody likes, but because I feel like I'm killing my friends if I spoil them. Really.

People wonder why I don't go all out trying to fix everything on my own in assignments anymore, but it's simply because we could all do with our share of learning. I'd like to facilitate that instead, but few people seem as interested in the subject matter as they are in their grades. Maybe if I try too hard to talk about the subject matter, people'll just think I'm trying to show off instead of the fact that I really feel learning is fun.

That is, of course, nothing out of the ordinary.

I think I've a lot of good people in my life :) A lot of interesting people too (not mutually exclusive).

And I think, the following weeks are going to be posing a lot of problems to solve - with maybe some flashes of clarity along the way.

Yay? Sigh?

Prime Time

Transformers 3 is coming out. Optimus Prime is cool.

"Autobots.. check me outzz"

Recently I've been sick of course, but let's not go there again.

The point is, I should be in KL now, going to bed early for my race at 5am. Instead, I'm in Kampar, tinkering with my FYP. Granted, it's more important, but that's not the reason why I'm here now.

In Team Miracle Mile, we use the term "Miracle Mile" a lot. It's our metaphor for goals, or the milestones we have in our pursuit of running. Sometimes the term comes to mind when you try to describe the feeling of making a certain pace or distance on the road.

As I grew in stature as a runner, my Miracle Miles became a whole lot cooler. From "finishing a 10k race without walking", I went to "getting a ranked position in the UTAR Run" and even "1:40 for Half Marathon".

These are all important. In their own contexts, they're equally important goals.

However, the situation I'm in right now means I have only one Miracle Mile immediately in mind:

I just want to get well and strong again.

And I'm not only talking about running. I want to live strong. There's been a malaise that I've been swimming in. I've been stuck in a rut. Hanging at a loose end. I know the feeling - I've been here before, and I think you know it too.

FYP, assignments, projects, cell group, discipleship training, bible study, marathons and relationships - these are all challenges that God has given me to not only accomplish, but excel and enjoy.

It's time to live high, live mighty, live righteously.

Not taking it easy.

Optimus Prime died but was revived by the Cube thingy in the second movie.

Optimus Prime is cool (Y)

Hold Your Breath

It’s been years, but just today, I took out my asthma inhaler and had a puff. The instructions say that after taking the puff, you have to hold your breath, so I held it.

In doing so, I found that I can hold my breath a lot longer now.

I still remember when I first used it: way back in primary school when first diagnosed with asthma and bronchitis. At that time, a paltry 10 seconds was all I could force, and I got worried that the medicine wouldn’t work because I could not follow the instructions to the letter.

Yeah, it was pretty bad in those days.

I’ve always been a rather sickly kid, though coming to Kampar has seen me get a lot better.

However, recently I’ve had a long stretch of niggling illness that just doesn’t seem to go away.

At first, my throat just felt irritated, and so I stayed off cold drinks and fried stuff. Then, I lost my voice.

When I was younger I was the more quiet type, but at the same time, if I did say anything normally it’d be quite stupid. And I’m telling you, that’s not a good combination. Having people react to my words and person has taught me a whole lot of hard, early lessons – so I’m relieved to say that maybe I’ve turned out to generally be the kind of person who says the right stuff at the right time in the right amount.

My own (possibly cynical) evaluation is that I get it right about half the time, and that’s pretty good, though I hope it gets better.

It’s with the mouth that I thank people. Explain things. Ask questions. Encourage. Sing. Let others know that they are liked or loved. Make jokes. Greet. Praise God.

But it’s also with the mouth that I belittle others, tear down confidence, lie and cause hurt. This is not good.

Sore throat has given way to something else though – I’ve been generally fluey and expelling phlegm over the past 2 days – it’s the flue that’s been triggering my asthma, reacting to fur, air-con and dust.

I’ve been praying a lot, and others have been praying too. We’re praying that God will heal us (so many of us are ill these days!) and that He will also increase our faith.

That’s another “illness” I have, a lack of real faith, as opposed to self reliance – one thing that the world taught me that I’ve yet to really unlearn.

I can hold my breath longer now, though.

The "Central" Question.

Last week, Uncle Yam talked about putting Christ at the center of the church, and today Uncle Cheah shared about obedience to God’s calling – doing what God wants you to do, rather than doing “something” for God. I feel very much convicted through God’s Word as expounded by these two brothers.

The words from these two brothers still resonate in my echoic memory. Uncle Yam pointed out that if people come to church and CF consistently yet go away knowing more about you (the leaders) and about how interesting, kind, attractive or whatever that you are, rather than knowing more about Jesus then something must be wrong, and we need to reexamine our focus. Are we really giving glory to God, and pointing people to the only One who can save them: Jesus? In short, are we a Christ-centered ministry?

In practice, do we do as Joseph and Daniel did (Genesis 41, Daniel 2), who when credited with the ability to correctly interpret prophetic dreams, answered that it is the work of God, and not of man?

In the course of our service, we’ll be bound to pull off lots of really cool stuff. We’ll succeed from time to time. That’s for sure. In the rain of applause that always seem to come after every victory (it’s in our culture, it seems), might we, even for a moment, fall into the temptation of indulging in a moment of self pride and accomplishment?

More thought has to be put into how, through every detail in our walk with God, the people we come into contact with (either personally or collectively) can be pointed firmly to our Lord Jesus who saves.

After all, who are we serving? Who?