20/12/11

There are many kinds of sad - some are good, not all are bad :')

It's been a great 2.5 years in Kampar. After so many farewells, both in groups and with dear individuals, it's finally dawning on me that I'm leaving.

What can I write which may contain the breadth and depth of what I've been feeling, thinking, doing, witnessing and experiencing in these past few weeks, let alone the last 30 months?

Maybe I can explain how I feel. I feel a bit sad, and very moved. I also feel very humbled. A lot of great things have happened here in Kampar - and although one might say that I was deeply involved and active in these things, here at the end I feel more like I have been a spectator. I am a witness of the work of God. A servant also. That is all.

Maybe I should also talk about my thoughts for the future. Nothing's certain, but I have a lot of reassurance, a lot of hope and a lot of confidence that things will work out for the good.

And I pray that my brethren can also share in this hope.

Another adventure! And the hope of joyous reunion :)

Partnering Up

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I  always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now.

Apostle Paul, Philippians 1:3-5

I've been thinking about partnership recently. Have you, like me, ever wondered about the relationship between the work of God and the work of a man of God? Is there a line between these two, and is it drawn? Are we, by using our effort and intelligence, trying to do God's work on our own? Perhaps we should just confine ourselves to a room all the time and pray that God will act directly in the world. Wouldn't that be great faith? 

I think the key here is the idea of partnership, where the work of God and the work of Man has a symbiotic and harmonious relationship, under the good graces of God. 

The truth that we are made partners and fellow co-workers (1 Corinthians 3:9) is a staggering one that may be hard to take at first. How can we do the work of God when we are such silly little beings?  The Almighty God, creator of the universe, being in partnership with us?

But when we understand that God is working through us and Christ is living in us, then a lot of things make sense, and the tension disappears. What we thought was a boundary line is in fact overlapping circles, having been reconciled to God through Christ. This partnership paradigm is crucial for a Christian, and it has a great bearing on how we treat things.

We are partners with God in the Gospel. That is amazing, that we have some part in spreading the news about Christ's salvation for all. 

We are partners with God in our friendships, too. As a friend, I must seek to strengthen and build up my friends in a way that is in line with God's will. In other words, great reliance on God and alignment with the teachings of Jesus. God can do this on His own, but He lets us be partners and take part in it too. God is never out of the picture in true friendships- indeed, He is in the very center of it.

We are partners with God in our Relationships (with a capital 'R'), too. With God's express permission, we enter into an exclusive and special relationship with another person, and we take upon ourselves a shared responsibility - over the other person's welfare: emotional, spiritual, physical or otherwise. And the other person does the same for us. Truthfully, these things are God's "territory", but He lets us to take part in it too. It is a great honour and should not be treated lightly. 

God is never out of the picture in a Christian relationship - indeed, He is in the very center of it. As a couple's relationship is strengthened, so is their relationship with Christ, because they know that they are partners with God in this. They understand very well that they do not replace God in their partner's hearts. Even as they look to each other's needs, they recognize that God is the ultimate supplier and enabler of all things. 

Whatever things work out for good will be lifted up in thanks.

I think it's crucial to remember that we partners in God in the things we do and the relationships we have. If we remember this, then we'll save ourselves from making many of the irresponsible and silly things that we do. God is in the business of redeeming and building up His children - as partners with Him, we should not be tearing others down through our actions and words, as many are unwittingly doing. God alone deserves all worship - as partners with Him, we should not be eliciting 'worship' from others (few will admit to this crime).

Repent. 

Just a few of my other partners 

Do you want to partner up with God? Let me know if you do - lots of steps to take first before you can do so.. and my blogposts are too long as it is hehe.

Superpowers!

Spiderman is a good guy. Everybody likes Spiderman. 

Your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman?

You should also know who the 'Green Goblin' is right? He's the bad guy in the first Spiderman movie. He does bad stuff and Spiderman tries to stop him.

"I tell you ah.. I'm a bad guy"

Actually hor, the two fellars have a lot in common. They both have superpowers, bestowed to them because of some experimental sciency bla bla bloo (accidentally, in Spiderman's case). As a result, they can have super strength, reflexes, endurance,etc. In Spiderman's case, he shoots web out of his hands - and I'm not talking about the world wide kind of web.

What sets them apart is obvious: One uses his powers for good things. The other, for evil.

There's a lesson to be learnt here: We need to be careful how we use our superpowers. How we use it determines whether we're the good guy or the bad guy. I'll assume that anyone reading this would rather be the good guy. Ahem.

We may not have powers like Spiderman or Green Goblin, but you have to believe me when I say that we all have powers, and while they are not as "fantastic" as those we see in superhero movies, they are definitely significant and have far reaching consequences.

Some people have great musical gifts. With their musical gifts, they can package edifying messages and send them to the world. Or they can choose to instead market inane, even negative messages. These things affect the mindsets of listeners. They have an effect on society.

"Baby, baby, baby ooo~"

Recently, I've been thinking about my own powers. People tell me that I can *ahem* sometimes use my words really well. 

Being conscious of this is very important! I need to be careful that I use my powers for good. I've been extra careful about what I say recently. If my words do have power, then I must make sure I'm using it to build people up, not tear people down.

And I need to be sure that I'm really building people up! Meaning, I have to strengthen people so that they can stand on their own and find God. Sometimes, encouragement may give a semblance of strength to a person - but in reality, we are making the person have to rely on us more and more - which I think is not real strength. I want to be reliable, but not to construct situations where people live off me, because that is not fair to anyone. I will not set myself up as an idol.

It's disappointing, but I see other people who have powerful words do this to others. Even (and I'll receive a lot of flak for this) in the church. In my mind, it is a form of enslavement. I will live according to the true principles: that the truth of God sets us free and with our free choice, the only one worthy for us to be in bondage to is Christ. 

Paradox? I know :P

My commitment is this: that my words point people not to myself, but to Jesus. 

What are your superpowers? And are you using them for good? Think about it!

Context

When it comes to understanding a message, context is absolutely vital.

What is context? Without getting technical, Context can basically be said to be the situation in which the message occurs. Saying, “I love you” means different things in the two following contexts:

1) Just got dared to say it to a random girl on the street.

2) Childhood friends who have gone through thick and thin together, sitting under a full moon on Valentine’s day with fireworks spreading across the sky in the distance. (Okay, exaggerated abit)

The words are the same, but the message meaning is of a completely different degree and type.

----

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about context lately, and about how we need context when we want to tell people things.

When we tell the truth, we also want people to be persuaded of it.. but they often are not, in spite of the truth value of our words. 

I find that this is normally because of context.

For example, when we tell people the truth that Jesus loves them, it doesn’t make sense unless we speak this truth in the context of love – like a loving, honest relationship. That is why we are not only told to speak the truth, but to do so in love (Ephesians 4:15)

God will ultimately be the one to make His love real to His children, but I am convinced that He wants us to help one another in this too. Probably because, to a being who is in very nature Love, it must be pleasing to God not only to have His creation love him, but for love to abound amongst His creation too.

But anyway, I am just musing.

We need to ask God to help us with our contexts. Let me tell you what He has done for me. 

I’ve often found that I need to be a comfort and assurance to people - - for anyone from my closest friends to near strangers. And you know what, there's no way you can comfort someone if you yourself are anxious. And there's no way you can be an assurance to anyone if you yourself are filled with doubt and fear.

That being said, I’ve nearly always found myself endowed with some sense of supernatural assurance that would naturally be beyond me. I am, by nature, an anxious person who over-thinks matters. Yet, when the need arises, I pray and God provides me with comfort so that I may in turn be a comfort to others.

This is an incredible, humbling experience for a nervous wreck like me - so much that I often go home after such conversations with great peace like a river in my heart. With God’s help, a context of assurance and comfort can be created, and hopefully, the message gets across a little.

After all, (and I’m telling myself this) what shall we worry about? If God is for us, who can be against us? I draw no assurance from the things of the world, but stand on the promises of God only. 

And if I should be so caught up in things that I forget this, I know for sure He’ll send me those dear friends and angels to give the same timely reminder of His love, wrapped in their own context of love. 

Now isn't that great :)

A Friend

I think we all know what it means to be lonely.

Some of us generally work that way, and it becomes something we get used to. Some of us feel it creeping in slowly from time to time and try to find companions to compensate.

Or some experience it crashing down on them so suddenly that it leaves you breathless.

I'm like that.

It is so illogical and unreasonable that I resent it. But it's there.

Loneliness, roaring like a lion.

Lean on Me!

Everybody needs to depend on other people. Yes, we do that, even when it’s bad for us. We seem to be hard wired that way.

But the problem is, people are inherently unreliable, right?

Everybody makes mistakes that can hurt the others around us. Sometimes we even do such things intentionally, out of our negative emotions.. Ever got caught up in the spur of the moment?

This is why forgiveness is so crucial. Forgiveness has no value where there is perfection, but in the imperfect reality that we are part of, forgiveness is the one thing that can save.

Jesus demonstrated  this – big time – on the cross, when he let himself be killed for the forgiveness of our sins, which are against God and against each other (which, in a roundabout way, is against God too)

Now He’s alive again, and asks us to live like how He did until the time comes for His return:

Forgive each other!

Do not take revenge for yourself!

Love your enemies!

Can you hear His word?

Ultimately, we still need to rely on people. But if you ever find that people are just too unreliable, you can still trust in Jesus, who is perfect, without blemish (I don’t mean in a L’Oreal kinda way) and is ever present in the lives of those who put their hope in Him.

The peace and security that comes from Jesus will eventually give you the courage you need to trust other people too. You know that even if others let you down, our dependable God will be there to lift us up. David said, “Though my mother and father forsake me the Lord will receive me” (Psalms 27).

Parenthesis: I don’t mean that my parents have been forsaking me (Hi Ma and Pa!), they love me a lot. But in some people’s case, it’s true. The evidence is that apparently David wasn’t treated very well in his family – being the “runt” and all that.

So ah, if you got ears, listen! Rely on God first – you will find in Him a sense of security that will transform your lives. The stronger your relationship with God, the more able you will be to forgive and trust people without fear. Guaranteed. (And by the way, you can't have a father-children relationship with God unless you accept Jesus first, because only Jesus can make us acceptable to God the Father)

Just pray to accept Jesus into your life and let Him take control. His perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18), and sets us on a path of a new life, filled with love, truth and the Spirit. 

2AM

Technically, I should be sleeping.

Awakened by the rumbling of my stomache, I had risen from bed an hour after midnight to get something to eat.

I don’t know if it is the solace of the hour, the steady hum of the fluorescent lighting interjected with the tweeting of crickets, or the wafting aroma of freshly pan-fried sausages – but right now I’m feeling a kind of peace I think I haven’t felt since I arrived back in Kampar last week, on Monday.

This peace – some call it God.

A hint of a frown visits my brow as I recall the past week. It’s been a variegated fortnight for me – my own exercise in devotion and discipline was interspersed with lapses of attention, slips of ill discipline, and patches of erratic emotion. True and genuine repentance in some ways have not been set in my heart. It is an awkward thing to be set between the flesh and the Spirit: they are at war with one another.

Predictably, I now come to the list of things I’ve committed myself to. Dear reader, if at any point you may experience a sense of déjà vu, do not be alarmed. I feel it all too well. It is perhaps a testament to the fallen nature of Man that we troubles constantly resurface themselves.

FYP, cell group, Intro to Chinese, church, transport ministry, Christmas production, Powerman, PBIM and Nike Run.

Clearly, I have to time this to perfection. I know that this can be done, with a mixture of discipline, wisdom and determination that far outstrips whatever I’m currently in possession of.

Well, well, it’s all too obvious what God wants out of me under these circumstances. Last chance for me to cultivate discipline, self-denial and endurance before I graduate.

Can I do it? Or shall I fail miserably? Speculating about the outcome won’t help, but I take comfort in something else: It’s good to know that Jesus is by my side at all times. 

Saturday School

Well, one terrible lesson has passed.

I've no idea what I can teach these kids.

No excuses though - I think I was a terrible teacher. I haven't the temperament to handle problem children, and trying to hold a bilingual class as monolingual is just a joke. The lack of confidence I have in Chinese spilled over into my control of the class. The moment they smelled a hint of insecurity... habis.

I'm not going to say that this is not my gifting and just hide behind that, though. Large churches have the luxury of being able to specialize, but being in a small church just means I'll have to do whatever the church feels I have to do. That's the way it is and I accept that.

Next time will be better. Armed with better preparation and experience, and hopefully a helper or two (manpower shortage today), I'll prove that this bad lesson was for the better.

It certainly was an eye opener. I've been able to pretty much do anything I set my mind to for the past three years.

This will be an uphill task indeed. Oh well, Uncle Chan told us that uphills are good training what :P

Half or Hard Boiled Eggs

This morning we had prayer meeting.

Naturally, it was hard to even keep my eyes open at the beginning. Funnily enough, I did encounter something eye opening.

An old Chinese couple spotted that we were Christians in prayer, and so blessed us and had a chat.

Although clearly very advanced in age, both of them were proud to tell us that, wrinkles and white hair notwithstanding, they had no sickness whatsoever. In fact, they cycled to the Westlake Gardens for some morning exercise all the way from their homes in another part of Kampar. There are plenty of young adults in UTAR who wouldn't be willing to travel that far without a motorized vehicle.

Their daughter is a missionary and they're very proud of it. They soon cycled off, looking like a very cute and loving couple indeed.

We went for breakfast in Ghany and Steven Liew ordered half boiled eggs. A 50-ish year old man from the next table passed him the soy sauce. That man was probably a local, and he was eating half boiled egg with his father, who was munching on a hard boiled egg. They chatted softly over their eggy breakfast and kopi.

His father, as one might expect, was probably an octogenarian, though of course we did not ask. No need to interrupt breakfast between father and son.

And I find it so hard to wake up early enough in the mornings to have a walk and breakfast with Ma and Pa. That has got to change.

Someone or Something

Dag Hammarskjold, UN Secretary General (April 1953 - September 1961)

'I don't know who - or what - put the question. I don't know when it was put. I don't even remember answering. but at some moment, I did say Yes to Someone or Something. From that hour I was certain that existence is meaninful and that my life in self-surrender had a goal.'

(Quoted from Crews, 1986)

Great men.

Morning

Am back in Kampar after easily travelling more than 1500 kilometers in the past 2 weeks. It's been really tiring, and I wasn't even the one driving. My dad must be exhausted.

Life's got to move on. Everybody else is, anyway. People have got work to do and a living to be made - all I need to do is work on FYP, finish my presentations, study for exams, besides CG, CF and church commitments. It's actually not much, when put into perspective.

Yes, I need to stand up, dust myself off and get on living properly. It's what Gung Gung would have wanted. Indeed, hard and even harsh work was how he lived. And he lived an exemplary life.

I can imagine all the treasure waiting for him in heaven, and the big smiles that will greet him there. You can only really be happy for him, you know.

I think it'll be a long time till we meet again, though strictly speaking that's not in my hands. Seeya.

Loon(e)y Tunes

Loony is a weird word. Loony.

The person above is Luna Lovegood, a character from Harry Potter the movie. She's also called Loony Luna, because she does weird stuff.

As I read Harry Potter, I actually liked her character a lot. She's a really good person who is brave, cherishes her friends and does not mind being seen as unorthodox (or being bullied, for that matter). Yup, she's treated pretty badly. One of the reasons why I think Harry Potter is so unrealistic is how none of the teachers or prefects or decent folks in the school do anything about the bullying.

But then again, that could probably be more realistic portrayal of most schools *Cynical Face On* There's one part where Luna placidly explains to Harry that people enjoy taking her stuff and hiding it in awkward places. At the end of every school term, she has to post up long notices of all the stuff she's lost, hoping that they'd return.

Magical world or not, the social structure in schools can be nasty, huh.

I'm in university now, though I sometimes call it "school". Like, "Eh, what time you going school ah?"

Oops.

People say that, technically, I should be having the time of my life now.

That makes a lot of sense. I am enjoying myself. I've got a lot to be grateful for - picking up interests, developing skills, having great friends, learning some important things.. I guess I will be coming out a more competent, complete, thoughtful and purpose driven person. That ain't so bad.

Yet, there's always a "BUT" sign that has to be hung up somewhere in my head every time people ask me if I'm enjoying myself. Some kind of caveat, I suppose - the less pleasant side of the story. I could choose to be all positive or all negative, but neither can be totally true without the other, and normally it just takes too much time to explain things. And if I don't explain things properly, then I get misunderstood. And I'm not so sure people want to hear my long stories anyway.

Sorta the kind of conversation that you'd take a half marathon to complete. Want to find out? Run with me lah. Haha.

Like and unlike Luna, I think I might be getting slightly loony. Not "crazy" in a straightforward way, but probably just mentally or psychologically frayed. Stress related, I suppose.

I was ambling by Block D when I spotted a booth that the Counselling and Care unit set up, labelled "Personality Test". I went up and tried for it, partly to find out what it says about me and partly because I'm the kind of guy who likes to scrutinize research methodologies. (Maybe I AM loony)

Once I started I knew the test was poorly labelled and wasn't a Personality Test per se, but a test on my emotional health.

"Alamak.. are these fellars psychology students?"

Finished it anyway and let the lady tabulate my scores (she wasn't a psychology student, just a volunteer helper. very nice of her to spend her time in that way)

I received the diagnosis that I have Severe anxiety and stress levels. Yet, at the same time, the test showed that I am also very contented and satisfied with my life. I won't tell you what I think of the methodology.

A few days later, the campus counsellor (certified one) called me up and asked if we could meet up to check on whether I'm okay. Never met him before, but he was sent my results slip.

That's actually really nice of them - even in my days in SJI and CJCH, no one was really went all the way to that extent to check up on us students, in spite of the resources that the schools had and the fact that they were both Catholic mission schools.

I declined to go meet them though, because I know what's my problem la.. but it was nice to have that concern coming from some people I don't know.

How will I feel, by the end of my university life?

I don't really know.

All I know is that this probably isn't sustainable.

And that while it's better than being apathetic, but there are wiser ways to live out our ideals.

And that, in the midst of all the things I'm doing right now, what I really really want to do is go visit my grandparents in Singapore.

Hatchoo!

Being sick is extremely humbling.

You can be as talented, skilled or trained as you want, but when you are sick, you're about as effective as a soggy turnip and as capable as an onion peel.

Clearly, the use of silly similes mean I need to go to bed

Update Rebate

I've been an extremely active blogger recently... in my head.

Time's a-tickin, so I'll have to give the rebated version here.

The UTAR Express, taking you to...?

I don't really know exactly where I'll end up, but I know I'm going somewhere. The wheels are turning, and the scenery around me changes.

Whatever happens from here on, the fact remains that I'll only ever have 24 hours in a day.

I still lack the discipline. And I think I lack the heart, too.

I realize that I don't handle stress very well - and no matter what your abilities are, if you can't handle stress, these abilities are curtailed and your progress hits a glass ceiling.

Recently.... a few times, I've found myself sitting there and staring right at that glass ceiling... wondering what to do.

People see my abilities and ask for my time, and I don't blame them for that. Sometimes I say yes when I shouldn't. Sometimes I say no, and normally it turns out that it was the right choice. But all in all what bugs me is this apparent inability I have to really explain that when I'm at a loose end it doesn't matter how well I can do stuff.

And what bugs me even more is that I just explained it out in under a minute - after finding it so difficult to bring it up in conversation.

Maybe the flow of things just weren't right.

But enough about myself - I find other people more interesting anyway. I can firmly say that really helping people is one of those things that give me clarity. I say clarity, but I suppose you might call it joy. I like it a lot. When you're down, you feel like there's a cloud over your head and you're stuck in the haze. Joy feels like the clouds poof away and you're covered in light. Everything's bright. That's why I say it gives me clarity.

Also, I think I say "clarity" also because my head is working with conundrums most of the time. You know someone spends a lot of time thinking when his face always lights up when he finds a solution. It's like reaching the finish line.

But if you ever see me appearing unhelpful, it's probably because I think my help can be harmful. What I mean is that I spoil people a lot. Really a lot. I think people get used to me doing stuff, and I don't like that. Not only because feeling like you're being taken for granted is something nobody likes, but because I feel like I'm killing my friends if I spoil them. Really.

People wonder why I don't go all out trying to fix everything on my own in assignments anymore, but it's simply because we could all do with our share of learning. I'd like to facilitate that instead, but few people seem as interested in the subject matter as they are in their grades. Maybe if I try too hard to talk about the subject matter, people'll just think I'm trying to show off instead of the fact that I really feel learning is fun.

That is, of course, nothing out of the ordinary.

I think I've a lot of good people in my life :) A lot of interesting people too (not mutually exclusive).

And I think, the following weeks are going to be posing a lot of problems to solve - with maybe some flashes of clarity along the way.

Yay? Sigh?

Prime Time

Transformers 3 is coming out. Optimus Prime is cool.

"Autobots.. check me outzz"

Recently I've been sick of course, but let's not go there again.

The point is, I should be in KL now, going to bed early for my race at 5am. Instead, I'm in Kampar, tinkering with my FYP. Granted, it's more important, but that's not the reason why I'm here now.

In Team Miracle Mile, we use the term "Miracle Mile" a lot. It's our metaphor for goals, or the milestones we have in our pursuit of running. Sometimes the term comes to mind when you try to describe the feeling of making a certain pace or distance on the road.

As I grew in stature as a runner, my Miracle Miles became a whole lot cooler. From "finishing a 10k race without walking", I went to "getting a ranked position in the UTAR Run" and even "1:40 for Half Marathon".

These are all important. In their own contexts, they're equally important goals.

However, the situation I'm in right now means I have only one Miracle Mile immediately in mind:

I just want to get well and strong again.

And I'm not only talking about running. I want to live strong. There's been a malaise that I've been swimming in. I've been stuck in a rut. Hanging at a loose end. I know the feeling - I've been here before, and I think you know it too.

FYP, assignments, projects, cell group, discipleship training, bible study, marathons and relationships - these are all challenges that God has given me to not only accomplish, but excel and enjoy.

It's time to live high, live mighty, live righteously.

Not taking it easy.

Optimus Prime died but was revived by the Cube thingy in the second movie.

Optimus Prime is cool (Y)

Hold Your Breath

It’s been years, but just today, I took out my asthma inhaler and had a puff. The instructions say that after taking the puff, you have to hold your breath, so I held it.

In doing so, I found that I can hold my breath a lot longer now.

I still remember when I first used it: way back in primary school when first diagnosed with asthma and bronchitis. At that time, a paltry 10 seconds was all I could force, and I got worried that the medicine wouldn’t work because I could not follow the instructions to the letter.

Yeah, it was pretty bad in those days.

I’ve always been a rather sickly kid, though coming to Kampar has seen me get a lot better.

However, recently I’ve had a long stretch of niggling illness that just doesn’t seem to go away.

At first, my throat just felt irritated, and so I stayed off cold drinks and fried stuff. Then, I lost my voice.

When I was younger I was the more quiet type, but at the same time, if I did say anything normally it’d be quite stupid. And I’m telling you, that’s not a good combination. Having people react to my words and person has taught me a whole lot of hard, early lessons – so I’m relieved to say that maybe I’ve turned out to generally be the kind of person who says the right stuff at the right time in the right amount.

My own (possibly cynical) evaluation is that I get it right about half the time, and that’s pretty good, though I hope it gets better.

It’s with the mouth that I thank people. Explain things. Ask questions. Encourage. Sing. Let others know that they are liked or loved. Make jokes. Greet. Praise God.

But it’s also with the mouth that I belittle others, tear down confidence, lie and cause hurt. This is not good.

Sore throat has given way to something else though – I’ve been generally fluey and expelling phlegm over the past 2 days – it’s the flue that’s been triggering my asthma, reacting to fur, air-con and dust.

I’ve been praying a lot, and others have been praying too. We’re praying that God will heal us (so many of us are ill these days!) and that He will also increase our faith.

That’s another “illness” I have, a lack of real faith, as opposed to self reliance – one thing that the world taught me that I’ve yet to really unlearn.

I can hold my breath longer now, though.

The "Central" Question.

Last week, Uncle Yam talked about putting Christ at the center of the church, and today Uncle Cheah shared about obedience to God’s calling – doing what God wants you to do, rather than doing “something” for God. I feel very much convicted through God’s Word as expounded by these two brothers.

The words from these two brothers still resonate in my echoic memory. Uncle Yam pointed out that if people come to church and CF consistently yet go away knowing more about you (the leaders) and about how interesting, kind, attractive or whatever that you are, rather than knowing more about Jesus then something must be wrong, and we need to reexamine our focus. Are we really giving glory to God, and pointing people to the only One who can save them: Jesus? In short, are we a Christ-centered ministry?

In practice, do we do as Joseph and Daniel did (Genesis 41, Daniel 2), who when credited with the ability to correctly interpret prophetic dreams, answered that it is the work of God, and not of man?

In the course of our service, we’ll be bound to pull off lots of really cool stuff. We’ll succeed from time to time. That’s for sure. In the rain of applause that always seem to come after every victory (it’s in our culture, it seems), might we, even for a moment, fall into the temptation of indulging in a moment of self pride and accomplishment?

More thought has to be put into how, through every detail in our walk with God, the people we come into contact with (either personally or collectively) can be pointed firmly to our Lord Jesus who saves.

After all, who are we serving? Who?

Selah

Carrie Underwood is really pretty, and she sings some really nice songs. One of her famous singles, "So Small" starts the chorus with the following line:

"Sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing, is just a grain of sand"

The whole song pretty much talks about this - about how the adversity we face is not as big as it may often seem.

I'll assume that Miss Underwood really means it when she sings it, and as she is Christian, it makes me think about the Biblical truth that might be behind it. (Note: She recently belted out her rendition of "How Great Thou Art" - made me shiver)

I think she has a point, you know. Sometimes we perceive our problems as insurmountable, when instead it's our perceptions in themselves that stop us from moving and doing what's needed and important.

If we stopped to actually take stock of everything, and have our "Selah" moments, maybe we'd realize that we can actually do this. Stopping to think and analyze helps us not only realize that our problems are surmountable, but also helps us come up with ways to go about doing it.

Finals start on Friday. So much has happened this semester - now will we end it with a smile together?

UTAR Volunteerism Run

Hmm.. Okay I got quite a lot of things to do, but still, I really want to blog about something.

For the first time ever, we've had a distance race here in Kampar under UTAR. In conjunction with the apparently upcoming 10th anniversary of the university's founding, they've been going all out to do community service. This is a good thing. The run this time was to fund the construction of a mini library in Tronoh Mines, which I tell you is a really ulu place. Hope they find the library helpful.

As it was a 5km race, it went by pretty quick - so much that I can even give a blow by blow account of how it went. Here it is:

Before Flag-off: Finally! The starting time advertised was 7am, yet here we are still waiting at 813am.. warmed up too early and even cooled down with all the waiting we had to do. The emcee quite kesian.. have to repeat everything in 3 languages haha. Team Miracle Mile are all lined up at the front - nice :)

Bang!: Off we go! Wait, why are we running so fast? After 200 metres, I noticed that we're doing a 3min/km pace.. crazy fellas. Shujian and Jensen blasted off like madmen, making up about 15-20 people ahead of me. Kaomeng and I kept at our usual pace (we've trained together quite a number of times).. his presence really is reassuring.

1km mark: Water station! So fast! Just take and pour on my head for a kick :) Over the first km, a few people have fallen out already. Some slowed down their running pace and some even walked. I would say there's a dozen ahead of us now. I'm still with Kaomeng and Jensen is about 20 metres ahead.

2km mark: Now to get those little wristbands from the checkpoint. I peeled away from Kaomeng to grab one from a helper, and didn't see him again until the finish line. I could sense his presence behind me, but who has time to turn, eh? One tall dude with a nice body frame gave up and walked, which both surprised and spurred me on.. passed Jensen also but of course he wouldn't walk.

3km mark: Didn't bother taking the water. Regret it slightly though, I could use another sprinkle on the head... It's getting hot, which wouldn't have been the case if we had started on time. I've lost Kaomeng already, but I can see two red vests in front - clearly Meng Leong and Shujian. A bit surprised that I can still see Meng Leong, and more so that Shujian's ahead of him.

4km mark: I'm. feeling. tired... this was supposed to be a 4km race.. There's this white shirt guy between me and Meng Leong, whom I lost sight of because we're turning corners now. I can still see white shirt dude though, he's just maybe 40 metres ahead of me. I'm not totally sure, but at this point I knew I'd be in the top 10. The corners are agonizing la, I don't know how far I am from the front.

Stopped: I sped up too early thinking that I'm nearly there.. had to stop to choke down the impulse to vomit.. Continued running after a split second, but that's lost momentum I need to make up for. Starting to feel dizzy and I'm breathing crazily like... like... like.. like always I guess.

Finish! (4.87km): Goodbye, white-shirt guy! A turn of pace in what turned out to be the last 200m took me level with him for a while - we shared the sound of mutual haggard breathing for a few seconds before I shot away for the finish line. Dizzy and disoriented, with heart blasting away, I still had the presence of mind to stop my Garmin: 21minutes 55 seconds for a 4.87km route. A decent but unspectacular timing, yet I placed 6th.

What else can I say? It was a good run - would've definitely achieved my initial target of 17:30 for 4km.. In the end I still managed to finish the race with decent pace although I had to run 870 extra metres.

The organization was very poor. I suppose, on one hand, the committee neglected to consult any of the runners in UTAR about the technical side of organising such a race - even I could have troubleshooted loads of the problems that they faced - let alone the many other seasoned runners out there. They did do quite a meticulous and thorough survey after the race though, so I hope that, if they or UTAR is serious about really giving the best to the community - they can improve loads for next time. The running scene in Kampar is something of great potential that they can tap into.

Of course, the great thing about running is that even if the race planning screws up and goes haywire, you still get a real good kick out of it, eh? It was nice running with the Team and meeting new runners too. Next race: Bidor Half Marathon.

Same Same Same But Different

Same religion, same faith, different philosophies..

Can it be?

Maybe we can take the usual diplomatic stand and say "Ah, I think it's just a matter of opinion, both also works but it depends on you personally..."

But the Bible says something different.

Have we really renewed our mind with a Biblical (and hence, Godly) value system? Or are we just filling it with odd, feel-good phrases and fancy sounding jargon?

My Dead End?

When was the last time I felt as bad at this?

I can't really care to remember.

I refuse to leave because I think it's not right, but by staying I'm at a loss of what I can do. I feel so sure I can't change anything here and I'm not the type to sit around placidly, doing nothing - not when my energy can be used for something real somewhere else.

Where are your hearts?

Rapunzel, Rapunzel

I really like this movie, don't you?

Pretty lead, Nice Soundtrack and Silky Hair - what else does one need?

The characters are so funny, and her hair is really nice and cool! There's one scene in particular that I came across in Youtube. It's when Rapunzel and Flynn come into the city. They meet people, see things, enjoy the community and beautiful - absolutely heart warming. Watch it yourself! It's worth it :)

Nice right?

Halfway through the scene, though, I felt a tinge of strong emotion when Rapunzel held up that small purple flag at 1:42. What I felt, I think, was a strong sense of loss and of longing, incongruously mixed up in the midst of merriment and spectacle.

I was thinking about the people of that city, and the Lantern Celebration that they held every year (on that day that Rapunzel arrived). All those elaborate preparations were made specially for it. How do you think the people felt?

If you've watched the movie and followed the story, you'll know that that event was set up because of the lost Princess. It was set up after she was kidnapped, in desperate hope that, one day, when she sees the lanterns light up the sky, she would be drawn to find her way home.

What we observe in the city during the day is great merriment - decorations go up, lanterns are prepared, people dance and sing, flowers are everywhere. It's beautiful, and there's a happy hustle and bustle. The Lantern Festival has become part of their way of life, something for kids and adults alike to look forward to.

Yet in the midst of that, they remember the loss of their princess, who was hope and happiness to the whole city. That's why things turn solemn at night.

This is both beautiful and sad.

I am reminded of the story of Jesus and our walks as Christians.

Jesus' death and suffering is something we see with both immense sorrow and unbridled joy - it is the most extreme paradox that I've ever experienced.

Knowing that His death was for us, and that it was necessary, and experiencing the transformative power that comes from it is the happiest, most mind blowing thing about being a Christian. Through Christ' suffering and death, we grasp the crux of God's love towards us, and that is a joy that no tongue can tell nor scribe can write of.

At the same time, knowing who He is and that He had to go through all that really makes me sad. We understand that it was unavoidable, but can't help feeling that way.

In view of the upcoming UTAR CF's Easter Celebration, I'm led to think about Good Friday, which commemorates Jesus' death on the cross. I think that maybe our celebration on Good Friday is a little bit like the Lantern Festival in Rapunzel/Tangled. Both solemn and joyous, sad and happy.

The people living in that Castle and I share something in common you know, and I'm not just talking about our ambivalent feelings. We share a common lifestyle. They waited 17 years, hoping to see their Princess again, and she came back! How wonderful it was for them when she did.

I, too, am waiting. Waiting for Jesus to come back like He said He will. Whether it will happen in my time, I'm not sure - but in my own way, I want to light my own lantern, to let him know we're waiting and ready here.

The Yearn to Learn

The Library (just before completion)

I went to the library today and found myself slightly disoriented – they’ve rearranged the books on the shelves (must have been recently, since even Manmeet remarked that its’ new, and she seems like she goes regularly).

I was there to pick up books – I need stuff for Syntax & Morphology, and my FYP too. The books that I picked up in the end were colossal, and chockfull of cheem-ness.

With some effort, I can still follow what’s written in there, but not as well as I would’ve hoped that I could at this point in time. I’m still not bandying terminology and concepts around freely – as I would when talking epistemology after 2 years of KI. I feel a little bad because of that.

It’s not that I regret that my studies are not my first priority – very much subservient to my desire to know God and love people. That will never change. But I also have a notion that God wants me to do something out of my academic life – partly based on the premise that it matches the ability and preparation that I have. That is, of course, a notion – and I’m still seeking God on the matter.

But whatever it is, my lackadaisical approach to academics recently is not because I’ve been too involved in church, CF and other works. That’s a given. It’s just that I think I haven’t been able to maximize my time and keep my focus when I need to. It’s always been a problem, I guess – and the stark absence of the kind of inspirational and engaging tutors that I used to have makes it harder to get motivation. Even the docile yet wise Mr Kwan is badly missed L

If this is the situation, then it’s time for me to dig deep and look inwards. No matter what, I’m going to power through and finish this undergrad course without any regrets. That is, I want to be sure I have my hands firmly grasping the lower rungs of the academic ladder. After that is the climb.

If I’m going to present a learned self to my Lord, I want to be sure it’s a good one.

No Day But Today

There is no future

There is no past

Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us

There's only this

Forget - regret - or life is yours to miss.

No other road

No other way

No day but today -

-"Rent: The Musical"

Recently I went for Shu Ern and Wendy's convocation in KL. It's the first convo I've been to in my life, really - both Jie Jie and Kor Kor's ceremonies were in the UK (I miss them a lot)

Wisma MCA (Convo building) was full of people. Full of flowers and soft toys, too. There were young adults like us, young kids like those in Sunday School, little toddlers like Jaron, grown ups like Papa and Mama and elderly people like Ah Ma and Kong Kong.

People from all walks of life and all stages of life, all congregated there to celebrate the same thing: a rite of passage that tells the world,

"Hey there world, here I am, educated and ready! Let me show you what that means and what I've got,"

I really have no idea what I'll feel like when my turn comes (I suppose it will). I just hope that at that moment, I'll still be madly in love - with God and people. It's the only way to really live without regrets.

Prayer Meeting: Is There a Point?

In life, we ask a lot of questions:

Q:What's this smelly cat doing in my house? :(

In a completely unrelated matter, I've been waking up at 6:15 am on every some Thursday mornings to go for the 7am prayer meeting these past three semesters - always asking the same thing:

Q:"Huh? I'm awake? What for? Want sleep la.., Can I don't go?"

Of course, after the questions come the answers:

"Aiya, whaffor? I got assignments, tests, bla bla, blu blu.. I already go for CF, Sunday service, Bible Study and church punya prayer meeting what"

It can be hard to think when you're zonked out in the mornings when it's still dark, but I think the real question we should ask is:

Q:"God, is there a point?"

I think I've been going simply out of devotion - meaning that I think it pleases God that I set aside this time for Him and so I do it. After all, He instructs us to pray. I think He's happy with that, and by His grace, my reasons don't end there.

As always (at least, within the sphere of my experience) when we devote and commit something that He wants us to do, He gives fresh reasons to pursue these things - reasons that you wouldn't (or at least I didn't) expect.

So let me tell you about myself now: I really look forward to our prayer meets. I can't really condense my whole experience into this post, but I think the (sadly small number of) people who attend the meetings regularly know how I see it.

I feel that it's something really exciting and really fun! I've learnt a lot of things through prayer walk in particular, and I've made very specific and important decisions out of some stuff that happens.

Therefore, the point is, there IS a point in coming together for prayer - but its' details are for God to show.

So I'd really like to ask all of you people out there to come. I think the only really sad part is that there are so few of us there to listen to God together. I think it's a shame because so many of us are missing out! (So, if you have friends who keep bugging you to go for prayer meets, don't get annoyed! They're just trying to share the joy with you :P)

"The devoted are patient and persevering."

• Prayer Meeting

Venue: Westlake Gardens (between Beijing and Lake)

Time: 7am every Thursday.

• Prayer Walk

Venue: Block D/E Cafeteria

Time: 5:30pm-6:30pm every Thursday (until further notice)

A Bareno?

What in the world is a Bareno? Is it some obscure Mexican folk dance? Is it the latest new-fangled Japanese toy in the market?

Bareno Kitty?

In reality, it is actually some relatively obscure firm that produces "a wide range of bathroom and kitchen products .... to cater to all your needs in style." (Bareno, 2011)

Like most 21 year old young men my age, I don't know squat about different bathroom and kitchen products. I know how to use them - I've been using them for quite some time now (I think..) but what do I know about brands? And why am I posting about this when there's so much else going on in the world right now?

Somehow, this company knew my achilles heel and decided to organize a multi-distance race in what I suppose must be partially a publicity bid too.

So there we were, 11 UTAR students from Kampar with absolutely no interest in kitchen sinks, braving the traffic and our packed schedules to make it to KL so that we could run the Bareno Run 2011. We had to pay for registration fees, we had to drive all the way, some of us had mid-term papers less than 24 hours before the race, we had to wake up at 4am, we had to run over either 10 or 21km of hilly terrain in a hazy atmosphere and our bodies experienced various degrees of pain, aches, cramps - you name it.

Naturally, we enjoyed it very much. After all, our interest is in running.

One thing that occurred to me is how daunting this run was in many ways. I haven't had the time or determination to train for this event (unlike PBIM). I was dead tired out of all the driving the previous day and only caught 4 hours of sleep, tops. I was sniffing and sneezing both during the night before and the morning of the race itself. The hilly terrain turned this trial into an ordeal, no joke.

But let me tell you something really cool about today's run. I finished it, and as a bonus, I finished it within my somewhat naively set target of getting a sub-2 hour half.

This is in spite of the fact that I've never wanted to give up so badly as I did in this race. Both my mind and body were yelling out for me to stop but I didn't. Not until my body took things into its own hands, though, cramping up and forcing me stop 3 times during the race. Yet I always got up and running again.

This race confirmed to me that there is some voice within me - the voice that is essential to all runners and tells you that you can do it - that you can overcome this.

I don't think I'll see you again, Bareno, but thanks anyway. I feel like I've come away just a little bit stronger.

Disneyland

Disneyland, Ayer Tawar.

Renjie's hometown is way ahead of Melaka! We've got a lot of fancy tourism stuff and people lining up for miles just to eat chicken rice that has been balled into um.. rice balls but we didn't even think of making a Disneyland for our kids! Please, Ali Rustam, if you're reading this.

I know that as our CM you are so in touch with the grassroots and therefore you will read the blog of a this patriotic young Malaccan boy right. Blimey, I can even remember how to sing the state song!

But seriously, everybody loves Disney. What's there not to love? You have a fantasy world where there are no mosquitos, AIDs and where your 50 foot long silky blonde hair doesn't get dirty after dragging it through a tunnel (underneath a bar, and you know what goes into the the sewage system under bars, even in the real world where we drink less).

Besides the wonderful setting that elimnates/ignores lots of the trivial but annoying stuff we have here on Earth, you have the story. Oh, the story the story the story. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They fall in love. They face some bad guys and go on an adventure and win and it's awesome. That's the magic word: Adventure.

Now what really catches me is not so much the boy meets girl part (hehe) but the fact that the story is all about adventure. Isn't that nice? Travelling unknown lands, fighting monsters, making friends with exotic creatures, living in a castle, etc.

Instead, I sit here grappling with different things - concerns about the country (Merlimau and Kerdau - disappointing), those assignments, these presentations, that FYP, tests, this thing that thing those things.

But unlike Disney productions, my real life is... well.. real. And I can smell an adventure on the horizon. It's just that everything's fast-forwarded in the movies and my life isn't going to be crammed into a 2 hour show.

Come to meeee, adventure!!

Pippin is looking away into the horizon

Another Day on the Malaysian Train

I stood at the corner of the carriage, leaning against the walls with my luggage huddled immediately beneath. The faint odor of diesel and cigarette smoke was present in the air - a palimpsest of smell – signs of both fuels and cigarettes that have burned and burned away into the atmosphere, but not without leaving their own marks – like a hint of old memory.

Because of the Chinese New Year traffic jam from Melaka to Seremban, I had missed my train back to Kampar. As penance, I had to exchange the comforts of the modern ETS to take the commuter to KL Sentral before switching over to a night train to Ipoh. There I will stay over for a night at Elim Gospel Hall, making my way to Kampar only the next day.

The carriage was filled with people of all races, mostly Malays. I feel uncomfortable calling people Malays, or Indians or even Chinese, in fact. I feel like it separates us, although I think it shouldn’t and I wish it didn’t. I wonder if the labels of race had as acute an effect on people as it has on me.

Not that I need any additional reason to feel separate from others.

After all, I’m a very un-Chinese-like Chinese, a very un-Malaysian-like Malaysian and maybe even a very un-young-adult-like young adult. I can’t speak Chinese properly or write Chinese at all, I lived and studied in Singapore from the age of 14-18.. you get the picture.

I speak and write Bahasa Melayu well enough (PMR and ‘O’ Levels – ‘A’, if that means anything) but as I listened to the banter of the group of Malay (here I go again) friends around me, I realized that um, I probably don’t understand them too well. After all, in casual situations, nobody really speaks the proper Bahasa Melayu developed by Dewan Pustaka, but revert to the language in its more uncontrolled and natural form. This can be pretty hard to follow, if you’re a guy whose best Malay friends prefer speaking English or is his old Malay teacher (proper BM all the way!)

I feel like an alien, but I don’t want to be. Will I be fully accepted in this country I live in, or will I bloom only in the fringes of its society – with other fellas like me? What I want is to be accepted, not simply on the basis of my abilities and talents, or on my ideals, but simply by virtue of who I am – the good, the bad, the weird and the ugly.

If it doesn’t, that will be pretty sad, but it’ll be okay anyway.

The smell of diesel and cigarette smoke lingered in the air, clinging jealously to our clothes. You can forget us but we’re still here.

Grace

Just like Harry Potter to Dumbledore or Fernando Torres to Kenny Daglish, we all inevitably have people in our lives that we look up to as stable, reliable characters. And we treat these people as examples - but not only to effect a change in our own behaviour, but in themselves they provide us with some kind of psychological anchor. Such people have a calming effect.

And yet, from time to time, we may become disillusioned with some of them. They turn out to be less reliable and more human than our original impressions. This can be quite upsetting. I can foresee, in part, that Torres in particular and Liverpool fans in general are going to be quite disillusioned with Daglish over time.

BUT THEN hor, if we allow ourselves to think carefully, we realize that this is in no part any fault of theirs at all! In fact, it is all simply because we have formed incorrect conclusions about the people in question in the first place. We realize, then, that we're not all that different. They have problems, blind spots and weaknesses, just like ourselves - and once we realize this, we can overlook our crushed impressions and build our relationships on more solid ground. It is only when we know each other's ugly sides and accept them that we can build relationships that truly stand the test of time.

This is why I think sometimes that grace must be in part an exercise in truth. Grace is afforded to accept and love one another in spite of our failings because we are aware of certain important truths: that we are all sinful and fallen beings in our own measure, and that we are all recipients of Grace in the first place. The corollary of such truths would be that we are to live graciously.

So the question for me, of course is whether I've been living that way to its fullest extent. The answer, of course, is no - which is perfectly understandable but also very silly of me.