Half or Hard Boiled Eggs

This morning we had prayer meeting.

Naturally, it was hard to even keep my eyes open at the beginning. Funnily enough, I did encounter something eye opening.

An old Chinese couple spotted that we were Christians in prayer, and so blessed us and had a chat.

Although clearly very advanced in age, both of them were proud to tell us that, wrinkles and white hair notwithstanding, they had no sickness whatsoever. In fact, they cycled to the Westlake Gardens for some morning exercise all the way from their homes in another part of Kampar. There are plenty of young adults in UTAR who wouldn't be willing to travel that far without a motorized vehicle.

Their daughter is a missionary and they're very proud of it. They soon cycled off, looking like a very cute and loving couple indeed.

We went for breakfast in Ghany and Steven Liew ordered half boiled eggs. A 50-ish year old man from the next table passed him the soy sauce. That man was probably a local, and he was eating half boiled egg with his father, who was munching on a hard boiled egg. They chatted softly over their eggy breakfast and kopi.

His father, as one might expect, was probably an octogenarian, though of course we did not ask. No need to interrupt breakfast between father and son.

And I find it so hard to wake up early enough in the mornings to have a walk and breakfast with Ma and Pa. That has got to change.

Someone or Something

Dag Hammarskjold, UN Secretary General (April 1953 - September 1961)

'I don't know who - or what - put the question. I don't know when it was put. I don't even remember answering. but at some moment, I did say Yes to Someone or Something. From that hour I was certain that existence is meaninful and that my life in self-surrender had a goal.'

(Quoted from Crews, 1986)

Great men.

Morning

Am back in Kampar after easily travelling more than 1500 kilometers in the past 2 weeks. It's been really tiring, and I wasn't even the one driving. My dad must be exhausted.

Life's got to move on. Everybody else is, anyway. People have got work to do and a living to be made - all I need to do is work on FYP, finish my presentations, study for exams, besides CG, CF and church commitments. It's actually not much, when put into perspective.

Yes, I need to stand up, dust myself off and get on living properly. It's what Gung Gung would have wanted. Indeed, hard and even harsh work was how he lived. And he lived an exemplary life.

I can imagine all the treasure waiting for him in heaven, and the big smiles that will greet him there. You can only really be happy for him, you know.

I think it'll be a long time till we meet again, though strictly speaking that's not in my hands. Seeya.

Loon(e)y Tunes

Loony is a weird word. Loony.

The person above is Luna Lovegood, a character from Harry Potter the movie. She's also called Loony Luna, because she does weird stuff.

As I read Harry Potter, I actually liked her character a lot. She's a really good person who is brave, cherishes her friends and does not mind being seen as unorthodox (or being bullied, for that matter). Yup, she's treated pretty badly. One of the reasons why I think Harry Potter is so unrealistic is how none of the teachers or prefects or decent folks in the school do anything about the bullying.

But then again, that could probably be more realistic portrayal of most schools *Cynical Face On* There's one part where Luna placidly explains to Harry that people enjoy taking her stuff and hiding it in awkward places. At the end of every school term, she has to post up long notices of all the stuff she's lost, hoping that they'd return.

Magical world or not, the social structure in schools can be nasty, huh.

I'm in university now, though I sometimes call it "school". Like, "Eh, what time you going school ah?"

Oops.

People say that, technically, I should be having the time of my life now.

That makes a lot of sense. I am enjoying myself. I've got a lot to be grateful for - picking up interests, developing skills, having great friends, learning some important things.. I guess I will be coming out a more competent, complete, thoughtful and purpose driven person. That ain't so bad.

Yet, there's always a "BUT" sign that has to be hung up somewhere in my head every time people ask me if I'm enjoying myself. Some kind of caveat, I suppose - the less pleasant side of the story. I could choose to be all positive or all negative, but neither can be totally true without the other, and normally it just takes too much time to explain things. And if I don't explain things properly, then I get misunderstood. And I'm not so sure people want to hear my long stories anyway.

Sorta the kind of conversation that you'd take a half marathon to complete. Want to find out? Run with me lah. Haha.

Like and unlike Luna, I think I might be getting slightly loony. Not "crazy" in a straightforward way, but probably just mentally or psychologically frayed. Stress related, I suppose.

I was ambling by Block D when I spotted a booth that the Counselling and Care unit set up, labelled "Personality Test". I went up and tried for it, partly to find out what it says about me and partly because I'm the kind of guy who likes to scrutinize research methodologies. (Maybe I AM loony)

Once I started I knew the test was poorly labelled and wasn't a Personality Test per se, but a test on my emotional health.

"Alamak.. are these fellars psychology students?"

Finished it anyway and let the lady tabulate my scores (she wasn't a psychology student, just a volunteer helper. very nice of her to spend her time in that way)

I received the diagnosis that I have Severe anxiety and stress levels. Yet, at the same time, the test showed that I am also very contented and satisfied with my life. I won't tell you what I think of the methodology.

A few days later, the campus counsellor (certified one) called me up and asked if we could meet up to check on whether I'm okay. Never met him before, but he was sent my results slip.

That's actually really nice of them - even in my days in SJI and CJCH, no one was really went all the way to that extent to check up on us students, in spite of the resources that the schools had and the fact that they were both Catholic mission schools.

I declined to go meet them though, because I know what's my problem la.. but it was nice to have that concern coming from some people I don't know.

How will I feel, by the end of my university life?

I don't really know.

All I know is that this probably isn't sustainable.

And that while it's better than being apathetic, but there are wiser ways to live out our ideals.

And that, in the midst of all the things I'm doing right now, what I really really want to do is go visit my grandparents in Singapore.

Hatchoo!

Being sick is extremely humbling.

You can be as talented, skilled or trained as you want, but when you are sick, you're about as effective as a soggy turnip and as capable as an onion peel.

Clearly, the use of silly similes mean I need to go to bed

Update Rebate

I've been an extremely active blogger recently... in my head.

Time's a-tickin, so I'll have to give the rebated version here.

The UTAR Express, taking you to...?

I don't really know exactly where I'll end up, but I know I'm going somewhere. The wheels are turning, and the scenery around me changes.

Whatever happens from here on, the fact remains that I'll only ever have 24 hours in a day.

I still lack the discipline. And I think I lack the heart, too.

I realize that I don't handle stress very well - and no matter what your abilities are, if you can't handle stress, these abilities are curtailed and your progress hits a glass ceiling.

Recently.... a few times, I've found myself sitting there and staring right at that glass ceiling... wondering what to do.

People see my abilities and ask for my time, and I don't blame them for that. Sometimes I say yes when I shouldn't. Sometimes I say no, and normally it turns out that it was the right choice. But all in all what bugs me is this apparent inability I have to really explain that when I'm at a loose end it doesn't matter how well I can do stuff.

And what bugs me even more is that I just explained it out in under a minute - after finding it so difficult to bring it up in conversation.

Maybe the flow of things just weren't right.

But enough about myself - I find other people more interesting anyway. I can firmly say that really helping people is one of those things that give me clarity. I say clarity, but I suppose you might call it joy. I like it a lot. When you're down, you feel like there's a cloud over your head and you're stuck in the haze. Joy feels like the clouds poof away and you're covered in light. Everything's bright. That's why I say it gives me clarity.

Also, I think I say "clarity" also because my head is working with conundrums most of the time. You know someone spends a lot of time thinking when his face always lights up when he finds a solution. It's like reaching the finish line.

But if you ever see me appearing unhelpful, it's probably because I think my help can be harmful. What I mean is that I spoil people a lot. Really a lot. I think people get used to me doing stuff, and I don't like that. Not only because feeling like you're being taken for granted is something nobody likes, but because I feel like I'm killing my friends if I spoil them. Really.

People wonder why I don't go all out trying to fix everything on my own in assignments anymore, but it's simply because we could all do with our share of learning. I'd like to facilitate that instead, but few people seem as interested in the subject matter as they are in their grades. Maybe if I try too hard to talk about the subject matter, people'll just think I'm trying to show off instead of the fact that I really feel learning is fun.

That is, of course, nothing out of the ordinary.

I think I've a lot of good people in my life :) A lot of interesting people too (not mutually exclusive).

And I think, the following weeks are going to be posing a lot of problems to solve - with maybe some flashes of clarity along the way.

Yay? Sigh?

Prime Time

Transformers 3 is coming out. Optimus Prime is cool.

"Autobots.. check me outzz"

Recently I've been sick of course, but let's not go there again.

The point is, I should be in KL now, going to bed early for my race at 5am. Instead, I'm in Kampar, tinkering with my FYP. Granted, it's more important, but that's not the reason why I'm here now.

In Team Miracle Mile, we use the term "Miracle Mile" a lot. It's our metaphor for goals, or the milestones we have in our pursuit of running. Sometimes the term comes to mind when you try to describe the feeling of making a certain pace or distance on the road.

As I grew in stature as a runner, my Miracle Miles became a whole lot cooler. From "finishing a 10k race without walking", I went to "getting a ranked position in the UTAR Run" and even "1:40 for Half Marathon".

These are all important. In their own contexts, they're equally important goals.

However, the situation I'm in right now means I have only one Miracle Mile immediately in mind:

I just want to get well and strong again.

And I'm not only talking about running. I want to live strong. There's been a malaise that I've been swimming in. I've been stuck in a rut. Hanging at a loose end. I know the feeling - I've been here before, and I think you know it too.

FYP, assignments, projects, cell group, discipleship training, bible study, marathons and relationships - these are all challenges that God has given me to not only accomplish, but excel and enjoy.

It's time to live high, live mighty, live righteously.

Not taking it easy.

Optimus Prime died but was revived by the Cube thingy in the second movie.

Optimus Prime is cool (Y)