What I Know

There are a lot of things in my life that are better than who I am, and better than what I deserve.

What I mean is that there are things I am called to do and people I am called to love. And love is a beautiful thing because it is an immaculate quality that is accessible to us although we are flawed and broken.

It is sometimes hard to keep a handle on who I am, for one thing because people say different things. My employers, friends, church, family. They probably ALL have some truth in them. Human beings are both as simple as spaghetti and as complicated as string theory.

But I do have a handle on how God sees me, and that I am loved unconditionally. That is something I understand as a child.

And both the fact that I am loved unconditionally, and that there are those I WANT to love unconditionally as a result, gives me a firm grasp on the man I want to be.

Give me some time, and watch me!

For What It's Worth

Things at Westlake International School have been moving so fast of late that it has been hard to keep track of milestones, and even just be still and digest what we've been going experiencing.

It is a great wonder to see the team expanding. We have quite an ensemble - different talents, personalities and experiences. That being said, we are bound together by the pursuit of something greater than who we are on our own.

There is full of broken things, but to me, few feel as desperate as the world of education. This is probably because the ideal of what education ought to be has long carved itself unto my heart, and is continuing to grow into something more beautiful and comprehensive as I mature. I have a long road ahead.

My colleagues are all bringing in things too - really good things. Pioneering is a once in a lifetime job to stamp something positive, meaningful and inshallah, lasting. These people care about kids and want it done well. I am in good company, and I should learn.

I wonder if we realize the magnitude of what we're doing?

Even as I work, I know that I have to acquit myself worthily before the kids, parents, teammates and employers.
I know that I want to make my family and friends proud.

That being said, I also know that technically, I perform just before an audience of One. And that, I think, will keep me going even when the going gets tough, and boy do I have a tough patch coming up!

This calling is beyond me.

Kindness and a Kind of Radiance

Everybody’s different.

If I had to pinpoint just one thing that moves me the most in this world, it is probably kindness.

I try not to pass judgment on a person, because I know my own discernment is always finite – sometimes more, sometimes less. However, we inevitably do have opinions of people – and personally, I observe that my opinions of others generally stands or falls depending on whether I perceive them to be kind.

I really like kind people. A lot. On the other hand, anyone who is blatantly unkind to others, even if not to me directly, will, at best, be an amiable acquaintance.

What I mean by ‘kindness’ is this – having more regard and care for the broken, the lost and the "seemingly unattractive" than for the beautiful, charming and outstanding. 

It is one of the natural rhythms of life that human beings gravitate towards those who display positivity, confidence, beauty and strength. Anybody can do that.

Hence, the kindness I talk about is almost unnatural. Maybe supernatural is a better term.

What about myself? On my part, I am no kind person. I know that.

Yet, at the same time, and I say this not to boast but to make a point, I do have a regard and care for the broken and the lost. How do I explain this?

I think the reason why an unkind and impatient person like myself can be kind is because I recognize myself as a rather broken and lost person. In fact, we probably all are, but in different degrees. I don’t know, but I am sure my own brokenness helps me identify with others.

There are plenty of unkind people like me whose kindness arises from an acute awareness of our own weakness. Maybe we are like lepers who wash each others’ wounds and change each others’ bandages, if you don’t find the image degrading. I don’t.

Then there are those who (it seems to me) are just innately compassionate, to whom kindness just seems like the default approach. These people walk around, enveloped with an unmistakable radiance which I hope to catch a little of, and maybe use to brighten up some dark places in the world, and some dark corners of my heart.

Maybe they are in fact like me, just that I don’t know it. Whatever it is, they sure do seem bright and shiny. I would to God that there were more of them.

“Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, ‘I am the light of the world: he that follows me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.’”

Thank God. 

Lunch, Time and Life

I was having lunch the other day with a friend and we were having serious talk, the kind I often wish I would with people.

The locus of the conversation darted about to the “young people of this generation”, and how we all seem very sensually driven. We observed that people of this generation tend to chase desperately after thrills and sensory pleasure to fill the emptiness, discontent, even boredom of our hearts.

I've come across across an article about this problem that really got me thinking. I'm convinced a lot of us have this problem, and we are greatly impoverished as a result.

Just as I was feeling a little crestfallen and absent-mindedly using my fork to push rice around on the plate, my friend remarked,

“Well Derk, we can thank God you yourself seem to have somehow avoided this problem!”

I couldn’t smile, because I know I’m not that much different. Maybe I’ve just got really good acting skills that help me to project a thoughtful exterior.

I'll be honest here: the time to be alone, contemplate, think and therefore experience the wonder in the world is getting harder and harder to find. Like most people of my generation, I too am getting bombarded with messages, demands, images and sounds far too often than is good or beneficial. Work is meaningful and good, but it is no walk in the park.

The iPhone has been a blessing in that I can take pictures and text my sister and friends overseas at any time, but it’s also been an invasive presence. I’ve just deleted the Facebook app , and already can feel some degree of relief, like the smell of rain on a hot day.

I’m also making it a point to carve out time in my daily schedule, in the midst of all the admittedly good things that demand my time. I know now that regular time to pause and reflect is worth fighting for.

Christ may be knocking on the door, but the way our generation is now, there are all kinds of other people banging on my windows, walls and or trying to climb down the chimney. And unlike the one who offers living water that will take my thirst away forever, these intruders just want to push cheap, glitzy wares that gives a moment's relief and leaves you hungrier than before.

Are we such children that the world can peddle us such junk, and succeed?

Lord, I ask for wisdom to distinguish what is vanity and what is of eternal value, and I ask for the fortitude to push away the former, and cling fast to the latter!

Psalm 16

I actually woke up one morning feeling pretty downbeat until I read this song below. It's a song in the Bible which really says a lot about the relationship that God wants to have with human beings, and how that relationship transforms everything else. Go ahead:

 Psalm 16 - A Miktam of David

¹ Keep me safe, my God,
    for in you I take refuge.

² I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
    apart from you I have no good thing.”
³ I say of the holy people who are in the land,
    “They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
⁴ Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
    I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
    or take up their names on my lips.

⁵ Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
    you make my lot secure.
⁶ The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    surely I have a delightful inheritance.
⁷ I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
⁸ I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    my body also will rest secure,
¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    nor will you let your faithful^[b] one see decay.
¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

At times like this I am just filled with wonder. I'm supposed to be a teacher and all "grown up" and whatever now and it's true that I've grown a lot... but it is also true that when it really comes down to it, I'm just a sheep.

 Just a sheep, baaaaa~

What do you think YOU are?

Submission Deadline Unknown

If total conformity and submission to the will of God is what I preach, surely I must also do it!

Although you are God of eternity, you often had to wait for me as I went about life my own way.

Now, maybe just for a little while I will wait on you, and your good, perfect, pleasing will to achieve clarity in your time.

I don't have forever but you, o God, have a better grasp on my timeline than I do.

How much further?

Don't Be Afraid

Fear.

Which characterizes Scooby-Doo without his Scooby Snacks.

Evolutionists might say that fear is a vital and crucial experience for living things to survive (This is not to say all of them say this, but some do, and all kinds of people call themselves "evolutionists" these days). The logic is simple: fear is motivation to ensure the self-preservation and continuity of that living thing. 

I don't agree. In fact, I'm fairly convinced that fear is what cripples us and holds us back. I might even bring this further to say that, having our fear taken away would make us thrive and prosper  under the right circumstances.

I recently read this article which contemplates the origins of students' fear of failure. The writing style is to me a bit ponderous, but the message is pertinent and timely. Give it a read - it'll apply to you in some way or another as nearly everybody in this world has either been/will be a teacher, student or a parent at some point in time.

The article really struck me like lightning. I really ask the Lord to help me examine the inner workings of my heart and mind, as it will manifest in the impact I have on my students. What fears and insecurities linger on? How can I cast them away before they perniciously seep into the innocent children under my charge?

I want to be a teacher that motivates through acceptance, approval, adventure and a sense of wonder, not fear. 

I must really set it in my mind that I will not see a '"C" student' as any less precious as the child prodigy producing the works of Shakespeare. 

Neither should I use my own achievements at their age as a yardstick to measure them.

Something that the Elder/Apostle John once said comes to mind: 

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18

The Fullness of His Glory

It's been a busy day, but I managed to read something good. The article is about how an awe for God and an appreciation of His glory transforms our approach to life. But there was one particular line that struck me:

"If you are not committed to loving gospel community, you will minister out of frustration and discouragement, displaying God's glory in an abstract form, but not in its living, life-changing vitality."

Quite obvious, so why don't we realise and understand?

The Doctrine of Family

Have you heard of what a "doctrine" is? If you haven't, Dictionary.com says that:

doc·trine [dok-trin]noun1.a particular principle, position, or policy taught or advocated,as of a religion or government.

Does it make sense? Perhaps what I would say is that a doctrine is a particular truth that we hold on to which not only governs our understanding of things but also our actions. In other words, your so called "doctrine", if held properly, will be so obvious from our behaviour that sometimes you don't have to mention it aloud.

One interesting "dok-trin" that we Christian fellars have is about family. We call God our Father and Jesus, who is God's son also calls us his brothers (and sisters) (Hebrews 2:11). That makes us all family.

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" (Romans 8:15)

So now you Gentiles are no longer strangers and foreigners. You are citizens along with all of God's holy people. You are members of God's family. (Ephesians 2:19) 

This doctrine means that even if I've never met Ah Kau, Jack, Djibundu, Maria or Doriasamy before, the fact that they are Christian would mean that our first time meeting should be something like long lost siblings. We are family even before we first met physically, because we share the same Father and same Brother.

You might say that is quite daft to be in a family of hundreds of millions, but this doctrine is very real to me and I can tell you why.

Firstly, it is in God's word, and every time I try to challenge something in God's word, I normally lose one. The track record suggests that it is true, but I realise this reasoning might not be compelling to you.

So, the second reason is that I experience this doctrine firsthand, and it is in fact a big part of my life.

Tiong Clan at the Airport, Minus Youngest Tiong

Let's begin with my hometown of Melaka, which we like to call "the birthplace of everything". When I think of going back, the first people I would think of is my biological family, of course. However, our Tiong clan is also subsumed within the bigger umbrella of my church family.

Those who have heard me talk about MGC can testify to the affection I have for the church family there, and right now I think it is only my calling to Kampar that keeps me 300 kilometres north. The situation is not always cotton candy and popcorn but when the chips are down you just know we will stand together for what's right.

Two live specimens from Melaka. No creature was harmed in the shooting of this photo.

My "family" in Kampar has always treated me as a member from day one. Sure I may sometimes be the annoying, out-of-town, outlandish whippersnapper who can't string together two words in Cantonese but I think the uncles and aunties do see me as a son, and the younger folks as a brother. On my part, I genuinely think of them as family too.

Kamparians in a Kampar restaurant.

Recently, I had to go to PJ alone for some course over 5 days. I don't know anything about PJ and wondered where I could stay. Somehow, most my friends in PJ are ladies and it might be a bit weird for a guy to stay at a girl's place on his own for a whole week. That's why a family in PJ opened their home to me and in doing so, further strengthened my belief in this "doctrine".

The lost boys and lost girl having dinner in PJ.

My young brother chilling out on the beanbag.

Two other guys and I had the privilege of staying with them over that week, and it is definitely one of the fondest memories of my year. I am really grateful for the bonds we have made and really look forward to our future interactions, and watching the three lively and friendly children grow up :)

There are many others I have not included in this post just because there are too many to mention, but they have all made an indelible mark on my heart and played a role in shaping me into who I am today.

My prayer is for everybody to be able to experience these kind of deep and giving bonds, and I praise God because I know that this would not be possible if we did not have the same Father and Brother. It all comes back to Jesus :)

Haze Craze

Typically, I like to wake up by walking up to an open window and taking a deep breath of the morning breeze. This is all the more so in Kampar, which has a lovely view and a range of mountains that have held its charm on me from day one.

However, although I've been in Kampar for more than a month now, I have been cruelly shorn of this pleasure. That's right, itu haze sudah mari. 

To be honest, it scares me a little when it's at its more serious levels. I'm asthmatic, and the haze has triggered in me probably the longest niggling (and sometimes serious) sickness in a while. 

What a start it has been to my working life, then... or so one might think.

You know, in spite of this thorn on my flesh (or in the air), I really am thankful for so much.

Work has been a very engaging experience so far and I've been handling many things beyond my ken. 

Fortunately, I have very supportive and nurturing colleagues/superiors who know their stuff and have good attitudes. Our relationships do not end at work, and at home (they are my neighbours) we occasionally get together. It's been delightful getting to know their children, who are an interesting lot to say the least! 

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, work has been purpose-driven. 

I know that, on top of all those stuff typical young graduates have in mind like remuneration, job advancement, training and so on, I am very convicted about the part God wants me to play in this Westlake International School. My personal hope is that it can really be an oasis for children to grow in a holistic and Godly manner: powerful learners, others-centred and compassionate.

And...  I know that my hope is not in vain, because a similar conviction is shared by the other members of the team. What can I say but that God is doing something?

So, what's a little haze? Inconvenience and discomfort are something, but I have a God on my side that has given me a mission, and I won't let these hinder me. 

28-06-12

Maybe it’s because I’m a storyteller, or maybe it shows that I’m an intrinsically relational person or maybe it’s both; I have this thing within me that keeps wanting to let someone know about the exciting times that I’ve been going through for the past few days.

Phew! It has been quite hard to take it all in.

Moving in and sorting out my apartment in Kampar has been almost ridiculously pleasurable for me. Yes, my mind tells me that moving house, cleaning and unpacking are mundane exercises, but even as I mop the floor, rearrange furniture and stack my books on the bookrack, I feel a little tingle: This is my life that I’m building now, and this is my home as an independent adult.

It has taken a while. Since the age of 14, I’ve been living away from home but was ever a dependent.

Sure, we’re made to be relational beings who need companionship and therefore, we’ll never be fully independent. However, there is a time when a man can say that he is coming into his own, and I wonder if this is it.

Don’t get me wrong, I think I am silly and childish in more than just a few ways, but that won’t stop me from trying to be the man I have to be.

As ye olde Catholic brothers would say, it’s time to Ora Et Labora! 

Next Chapter

You know what, my elder sister had her wedding recently :)

The Car Weareth Its Drapes

I am obviously very happy that my sister is married, and a welcome bonus is that I think I had a great time learning more about my own family, particularly my dad. This is because we have had some important guests who are my dad's friends from his university days - the Horrells from England.

David Horrell speaking at the wedding with my Third Uncle as interpreter.

David and Margaret Horrell are a bit older than my dad; they already had kids when my dad was studying architecture in Canterbury. It being their first time in Malaysia, it's also my first time meeting them. I'm glad then that we've spent more than week together now travelling to Penang, Singapore and of course Melaka. 

My dad is really pulling out all the stops for them, and no surprise, for they have been great friends. In fact, he confesses that they've had a great impact on him during those formative years as a young adult. As I continue to hang around them and talk here and there, I sorta understand why (and how).

We all have our own stories, and my dad's seems quite a humdinger thus far. After all, it's got my mom and the rest of us in it (eheh)

My sister's looks like it's going to be a really good one too. I like my brother-in-law and his family a lot. They arrived in Malaysia about a week before the wedding (they're from the US). Naturally, my brother (no law) and I had to play our part as hosts so, like with the Horrells, had the benefit of spending quality time with them too.

From Left: Ricardo, Maria, Diego, Sister, Mum, Dad, Uncle Phillip Lim

The Castros are not only good fun but I think a very good family. If things work out and my sister is going to move her life over to California, I can imagine that will be some life :)

All in all, I think it has been a holiday well spent; learning more about my father's story and celebrating my sister's commencement into a new chapter of her's.

Even so, I'm beginning to feel some restlessness of my own. We all have our own stories, and I reckon I have much more to write on mine. 

I just hope that it'll be a good one, with bits in it that you can tell people on different occasions, whether they're feeling down and a need some lifting or if they just want a good laugh, or even for the kids' bedtime story. Better still, maybe I can write something that can inspire people.

Or at least teach them to beware low hanging beams

It's time for me to get on with things, and get on with the writing. Whisper it if you may, but I'm feeling fairly assured and confident about what lies ahead. Sure, things might get rough but a good story needs some conflict and drama, don't you think?

What's more (and you might poo poo me for saying this), there's another Hand besides mine that holds the pen, and it's Him who lays down the paths where I cannot see, and establishes my way. I cannot hope for a good story apart from Him.

*Photo credits to Grismond Tien and Jensen Chen

Is That Your Final Answer?

Or, as we say in Malaysia...

Jawapan Muktamad?

When somebody graduates, he or she is inevitably put through a number of feelings and decisions that are of a rather novel flavour. They are also not to be taken lightly. 

Another rite of passage.

I got a proper job offer yesterday, and I'll be taking it up. 

Temporary Kampar-ing

Here I am, back again for a while. I have a few presentations to make, an interview to go for, and things to discuss with some people.

I really need shades if the highway is going to be as glaring as it was today. Had to squint for about 200km, and now I'm not feeling that great. Nothing a good night of rest won't cure!

A little I will be here before I leave, and after a little while, I'll be back for a little longer than a while. And then I'll be off again - to who knows where?

So long as I (we) stay humble and stay hungry, I know that I (we) will be okay. Don't you think so?

3 Weddings and a Funeral

Recently, my church in Melaka has been all abuzz in anticipation of a hat-trick of weddings for 2012 in June, September and November. The wedding in June is my sister's whereas I'm well acquainted with the other two couples too. It's hard not to be, when you're in Melaka Gospel Chapel :)

However, there was one chain of events that we had to prepare and help out in first, which were Uncle Beng Tee's funeral and wake services. 

Taken and cropped from Uncle Rodney's Facebook

Unlike the weddings, these were not checked into the calendar a year in advance, but in our hearts, we knew this day would come sooner rather than later. When I think about it, I reckon its scale was no less grand than that of any of the upcoming weddings. In fact, even though the wedding dates are yet to arrive, I dare say the beauty of Uncle's farewell would be hard to match. 

Due to the fact that the early years of my life coincided with the twilight of his, I never really got to know Uncle Beng well in any way. That being said, this did not stop him from having made an imprint on my life. It's a long story for another day, but he probably didn't realize that certain things he did and words he said has firmly planted in me the importance of reverence for God. 

I'm glad that I had the chance to help out in the wake services and the funeral, in whatever little ways I could. It meant that I was there for every minute and I got to listen to everything.

I'm grateful that I managed to hear so many stories about him. I'm a storyteller myself, and for what it's worth, I can preserve such stories of faithfulness to encourage future generations. 

It makes sense that the passing of our Elder would give the whole church family one big push in the right direction. Faithfulness, long-suffering and persevering servanthood!

May all who come behind us find us faithful, too.

Schrödinger's Teacher

The night before my first day as a teacher in MIS, 3 months ago, I wrote this in my journal:

“Some people remark that they think I will be a good teacher. Some people say that I will be awesome. Some said that I probably won’t do well and some says it’ll just be plain weird.

Be it positive or negative, such comments are immaterial. The true measure of my ability lies in what takes place in those classrooms that I step into tomorrow. For the meantime, I can be considered both a good teacher, and a bad teacher – whatever! Call me Schrodinger’sTeacher ”

3 months on, I find that my resolve is still the same as when I started out – to keep my head low, work hard, and concentrate on how I can do better for these kiddos.

I have now come to the unofficial “end” of my term in Melaka International School. My students from Y7-Y10 have bid me farewell. There has been gifts, cards and a cake – all of which I will remember well, just as I will remember each student.  We’ve taken out farewell photos. My departure has already been officially announced.  

Typically, it is at such a point that I would prefer to leave altogether; I do not like drawn-out farewells. However, I do still have to give a week’s worth of extra classes to prep the Y11 students for their upcoming ‘O’ level examinations.

Some of my Y11 students, taking their 'O' levels in June.

What can I say about the past 3 months? I learned a lot about teaching and even more about life. About parents (and parenting), working life, students, administrative things… you name it.

I will say this though, after 3 months, the jury’s still out on what kind of teacher I will be. The school, my colleagues and most of the students have been very generous in their appraisal, but I know the holes in my approach better than most.

I'm aware that there are ways I have to improve.. It’s not so much a matter of pedagogy as it is of the kind of composure and mentality I can bring to the classroom. When your method is consistently okay, it’s your manner that makes or breaks learning and teaching.

A few of my Y10 students. What a diverse bunch!

Thank you MIS! For the sake of whoever my students are one day, I hope to be the best teacher I can be.  If I ever be become an excellent teacher, it will not have been possible without the chance I had to serve in your school.


p.s. The photos were taken during the final week of school, when many students already returned to their home countries - not that I only wanted to take photos with a few :P

80%.... 90%.... 99%.... Ding!

I printed out the comb-bound version of my FYP yesterday and my dad had it courier-ed to my supervisor in Kampar.

Beam of light passing through the project - must be a good sign.

In a typically understated manner, I celebrated by walking into the Italy Bakery opposite the printing shop and getting myself a chicken onion bun. Mmmmm… so good..

FYPs are one of those big things in university life; some kind of milestone or rite of passage. Walk on the fiery coals of research and the chief gives you your shiny degree.

People who are doing it will complain. Students who are yet to do it will view it with trepidation, and those who have just finished it will jump for joy, before something else happens, which I will explain later.

Not that I want to make the FYP a bigger deal than it really is. It’s all a matter of perspective. I’ve learned a lot of things in the course of the FYP, one of which is just how big the edifice of academia really is. That is very humbling, and makes study all the more worthwhile. Why not chip some ice off the iceberg of ignorance?

Hmm.

I’ve a problem though. I think I may be having post-FYP syndrome, now that I’m in the post-FYP stage. After accomplishing one of the big goals that have been bugging me for such a long time, I think my drive has evaporated. It’s not a good thing. It doesn’t help that I know my future does not lie in my current workplace either - my mind is ever on Kampar and the work that waits me there.

I still got a month of teaching to go, and I owe it to the students to run really good lessons and evaluate their work thoroughly – whether or not they want it or not.

Well, what can I do about it? I really need to sit still, evaluate my motivations and do this job the best I can. Nobody’s going to praise God for a lazy teacher.

More on the teaching experience next time!