Honestly

"Assuredly I say unto you, whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God as a child will by no means enter it"

What I need is..

Less pride and more real humility.

Less doubt and more love,

Less of myself and more of others,

And more of God.

Home, with a difference.

Here I am, home in Melaka.

It's always a little unreal to be back. I always get this feeling like I haven't been back in a long time. It's an awkward confluence of both the familiar and the alien - I somehow feel that I am a stranger, but a stranger in a place that is steeped with memories and connections. And after a short while of floating in a distance, I settle back into those familiar memories and connections - and I'm home again.

The truth is that I've been here a mere 3 weeks ago during study break, but as I always say, our experience of time is not simply a matter of the passing of seasons or of hours or of days - it is also a matter of what happens within that physical span of time.

A significant three weeks? Why, certainly. I grappled with exams and tried (and to a large extent failed) to focus with the kind of concentration that I aspire to. I presented all my worries, anxieties, cares and supplications to Him. I grew much closer in my walk with many of the brethren here. I grew to rely on Him all the more, and He chose to reveal to me more about the kind of man He wants me to be - not simply a collection of abstract principles but a concrete manifestation of these ideals.

There was the committee retreat, where I decided to never again back down from confronting our problems. I will pray, think, talk, discuss and ACT upon them. We cannot let this slide. When you see the smoke, do not say that there is no fire - look for it and put it out, because the fire burns the tree which is the family of God, and that is far too precious to me and to us and most of all, to Him.

So yes, in a few hours, I will settle down again into the familiarity of Home, but this time, it is Home with a difference, that I am here to make myself different for Him. Can I walk closer with Him in the next 11 days, and in doing so be genuinely nearer to being a true man of God?

I commit myself to persevering in His word, and in doing so, may I bear fruit that is pleasing in His eyes. Please pray for me.

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

And there it is, I see it and understand.

Still Awake

In the middle of the night

Not a single soul in sight

Not the slightest sound to hear

So what can there be for me to fear?

But though all sense and feel be naught

There’s a sense that can’t be fought

Lay there deep within a man

Surpassing doubt, thought or plan

In it I am found, and equally lost

Past all prize and beyond all cost

It purrs and burns in no small part

It is the cry of the deep, dear heart.

Buy the Truth and do not sell it

I can understand why people say "Ignorance is bliss", but this is more the lament of a broken-hearted person rather than a life principle that we can live by.

Does the truth cause heartache? It certainly does, in some situations. But I do know also that people's hurts are very often exacerbated by the fact that they've been living in the lie longer. If I were to draw another graph, the longer you've been in the lie, the more hurtful it'll be when you realize the truth.

The truth can hurt, but I would say that ignorance hurts more.

Truth(s), be they absolutes or relatives (and let's not get into an epistemological spat here) are things that exist externally from ourselves. It's there, whether we like it or not, and I think when we love the truth, accept it and live by it, then our lives become more real (or should I say, become more true).

"I am the way, the truth and the life," He says, and so we see here how being the way and the truth and the life are not concepts that exist independently but are intrinsically related. Follow the way which is (and because it is) the truth that brings life.

Am I just talking about some abstract Christian principle here? Well in a way I obviously am, but don't buy into the misconception that not everything about Christianity has to do with all our lives (and by all our lives I mean ALL). My conviction is that everything in the Bible is very personal and relevant to all of us, it is just a matter of how we understand it.'

Let's have a "real life" example, just to illustrate my point. For one thing, I was ignorant about just how hard the Research Methodology final paper is, until Renjie instigated me to go check out the past year papers. It was pretty shocking and I am sure with the level of understanding I had yesterday I would've screwed it up pretty badly.

Knowing the truth of the matter helped unsettle me and galvanize me to study harder: which is what I've been doing and which is what I'm gonna do for the rest of today. I do wish I knew a little earlier but hey, no point thinking about that, I'm just gonna make the best out of the hours I got left. If it's going to be a battle, I'd like to at least know I'm in it for one.

In conclusion, we must not only accept but actively seek the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may make us.

"Buy the truth and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline and understanding."

King Solomon, Proverbs 23:23

Research Methodology & HIMYM

Since I am studying for my Research Methodology paper, which is on Tuesday, I thought I'd do a pilot project on something that appears to be increasingly relevant in our modern society.

Basically, How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) is an American situation comedy that is six seasons long - kind of like Friends except that it's just legendddd-dary. Lots of people are watching it these days, including UTAR students studying for their finals.

Now kids, the story of how i met How I Met Your Mother is a story I'm gonna have to save for some other time - suffice to say that I blame it all on florencetina.

But I've stopped watching for some time now thanks to a combination of exam pressure, an increased passion for music and *coughcough* that florence didn't give me the whole set so I've watched what I have finish liao :3

Back to Research Methodology now, I've come up with a study that has revealed some shocking (well, not really) statistics about the relationship between student's GPA and watching HIMYM. This is a longitudinal study over the course of three weeks from the beginning of study week.

The results are shown below.

Having watched four seasons, it would appear as if I am heading towards a negative GPA this semester. I'm hoping that the external validity of this study is screwed up.

N.B. No respondents were harmed during the course of this study. I think.

Wah lao weh

Argh I can feel myself falling asleep already.

Two papers down and 3 to go, and I got 6 days before my next one.

Today's paper was quite okay I guess - I DO have my complaints about the paper, but I'll save it for the next time I meet Mr. Soh, if I complain I ought to complain in a constructive manner.

Sibeh tiring lah, *Yawns*

Now that I've got some gap time, I hope to able to keep this space alive a little. Blogs can be really nice thing if we fill it up meaningfully.

So what's up with exam seasons? It sure is a really awkward time, huh?

I can be so inconsistent during exam season, I feel. One moment I feel like it'll all be fine, one moment I feel a little guilty about not studying enough, one moment I feel great, one moment I feel kancheong, or one moment, like now, I feel like I just want to collapse into bed.

Well, there are a few things I've committed to that have been working out - I've been reading my Bible and setting aside time for prayer every day now even when I don't feel like it.

The right mood or feel or passion or whatever you call it - that can be important but what we have to learn is commitment and perseverance. Emotions will be emotions, you can let them lift you as high as they will, but what will keep you up when the cyclic waves turn downwards?

At any rate, it's bed time.

Sleep tight.

Sometimes,

Sometimes

I'm all head and no heart

Sometimes

I just lose my head

So everything falls apart

Why do I think I'm a walking contradiction. Looks like I need to go looking again.