In the middle of the night
Not a single soul in sight
Not the slightest sound to hear
So what can there be for me to fear?
But though all sense and feel be naught
There’s a sense that can’t be fought
Lay there deep within a man
Surpassing doubt, thought or plan
In it I am found, and equally lost
Past all prize and beyond all cost
It purrs and burns in no small part
It is the cry of the deep, dear heart.
This is because I finally submitted my PTPTN documents and finished my last piece of coursework (a presentation). “Independence” might be too strong a word to use in this case – the saga is from over. My complexified PTPTN application process (irregular qualifications) is still subject to some board meeting that will finally decide on whether its valid or not (oh, wishy washy administration! D: ) and finals begin in just over 2 weeks!
Still, it felt incredible to finally get this all over with – I’m going to take a break this weekend to catch up on my sleep, prepare for next week’s CF and oh yeah, I’m teaching in KGH’s Youth Fellowship this weekend. Just a rest-up before plunging myself into exam season.
But I guess I really want to make this post because of a few things that I’m pretty grateful for, and a few things that I’ve become aware of.
Lots of things happened when I was applying for the loan. First of all, the loan is important to me but straight up I admit I got could be less negligent about things – such as how I didn’t print the explanatory notes for ‘O’ and ‘A’ level results (which was required because its not a Malaysian qualification) and how I didn’t know I had to strike out this or that. And my signing & agreement session was the last day (set aside for the FAS) and I went pretty late (had a presentation before).
In the end, they had to take so long to process my unusual application that I just sorta made it in time before they closed. In that case I’m grateful that somehow, when I was lining up, the line suddenly moved super fast so that I could reach the officer in time to find out that I needed the exp notes and so had the time to go back, fetch, copy and certify them. And I mean like, the 3 rows moved in 10 minutes, as opposed to in the morning when it reportedly took an hour to move 3 rows of applicants!
As I began walking back to Westlake in my full formal attire (black) and under the scorching sun, the only thought going through my mind that I was immensely thankful to God that I had like 1.5 hours to come back with the documents – it would only take me about 45 minutes if I walked quickly and then cycled from home. Hot? Nevermind loh, its like that one mah.
It’s at that moment when I heard a “Beep!” sound coming from behind – it was Mr Renu’s car horn.
“Ngee Derk! What’re you doing walking? Come in la!”
MANNN I was really really happy at that moment and in the end, I managed to submit all my documents without a hitch and talk with the PTPTN officers, who were really nice and helpful people.
So what’s the point of this rather long story? That night, Eric, Renjie, Edmund and I met up for worship practice and Eric chose to begin by asking us about where we stand in our walk with God. His point was that if we’re going to lead with worship we need to examine our relationship and set ourselves right before Him (among many other points). I felt it was good of him to think this way – I wonder how many people are conscious of the gravity of what worship means before they “go about” it – and having a sound relationship with Him gives you that consciousness, I think.
“For obedience is better than sacrifice”
Furthermore, to conduct a worship “session” in a manner pleasing to God we would have to be very much worshipping in the fullest sense of the word – which is a matter of how we choose to think, act, speak and live in respect to Him.
So I thought about what had happened earlier that afternoon. God really surprises a lot you know, and sometimes you don’t pray for certain needs (because you either don’t expect them or rather, as in my case, I think sometimes I’m too silly to realise I need some things) but God knows them perfectly and does as He sees fit.
Conversely, sometimes we pray for things that we don’t need or that might even be bad for us. Sometimes we know it’s bad for us but we still pray for it. Stupid, right? But that’s what we are from time to time. In my case, God has made sure I didn’t get them, and much later gave me the realization that such requests are not good for me anyway.
Of course, I always insert the clause “Let Your will be done” and “Do as You see fit” in my prayers, because I understand that God’s ways are far above that of Men. So maybe I’m not TOO stupid. Ok ok *pats myself on the back*
Praying is not simply a matter of gratifying or satisfying wants, as some people might sometimes put it. I think, prayer teaches us a lot about God and how He wants to relate to each and every one of us. It pulls us closer to abide in Him because He reminds us of just how much we are living by His grace and not our own strength. And I think I can think of nothing better to ask for than what has already been given: His grace and salvation that comes through Jesus Christ.
This is my Declaration of Dependence – to gladly accept the hand that is stooping down from much higher places to just to give us that lift that we can’t get by ourselves.
So, will my PTPTN loan be passed and accepted? Will I make it past the finals well enough? What about next semester, or the next? What about the upcoming Evangelistic Meeting, the Christian Fellowship, or Kampar Gospel Hall? What will I do after graduating?
The answers will come in time but I think you know where or from whom I will seek them.
