Declaration of Dependence.

It is the 27^th of August, 2010. Although Malaysia’s national day is in 4 days time, yesterday was the special occasion that I declared my own, personal “Independence Day”.

This is because I finally submitted my PTPTN documents and finished my last piece of coursework (a presentation). “Independence” might be too strong a word to use in this case – the saga is from over. My complexified PTPTN application process (irregular qualifications) is still subject to some board meeting that will finally decide on whether its valid or not (oh, wishy washy administration! D: ) and finals begin in just over 2 weeks!

Still, it felt incredible to finally get this all over with – I’m going to take a break this weekend to catch up on my sleep, prepare for next week’s CF and oh yeah, I’m teaching in KGH’s Youth Fellowship this weekend. Just a rest-up before plunging myself into exam season.

But I guess I really want to make this post because of a few things that I’m pretty grateful for, and a few things that I’ve become aware of.

Lots of things happened when I was applying for the loan. First of all, the loan is important to me but straight up I admit I got could be less negligent about things – such as how I didn’t print the explanatory notes for ‘O’ and ‘A’ level results (which was required because its not a Malaysian qualification) and how I didn’t know I had to strike out this or that. And my signing & agreement session was the last day (set aside for the FAS) and I went pretty late (had a presentation before).

In the end, they had to take so long to process my unusual application that I just sorta made it in time before they closed. In that case I’m grateful that somehow, when I was lining up, the line suddenly moved super fast so that I could reach the officer in time to find out that I needed the exp notes and so had the time to go back, fetch, copy and certify them. And I mean like, the 3 rows moved in 10 minutes, as opposed to in the morning when it reportedly took an hour to move 3 rows of applicants!

As I began walking back to Westlake in my full formal attire (black) and under the scorching sun, the only thought going through my mind that I was immensely thankful to God that I had like 1.5 hours to come back with the documents – it would only take me about 45 minutes if I walked quickly and then cycled from home. Hot? Nevermind loh, its like that one mah.

It’s at that moment when I heard a “Beep!” sound coming from behind – it was Mr Renu’s car horn.

“Ngee Derk! What’re you doing walking? Come in la!”

MANNN I was really really happy at that moment and in the end, I managed to submit all my documents without a hitch and talk with the PTPTN officers, who were really nice and helpful people.

So what’s the point of this rather long story? That night, Eric, Renjie, Edmund and I met up for worship practice and Eric chose to begin by asking us about where we stand in our walk with God. His point was that if we’re going to lead with worship we need to examine our relationship and set ourselves right before Him (among many other points). I felt it was good of him to think this way – I wonder how many people are conscious of the gravity of what worship means before they “go about” it – and having a sound relationship with Him gives you that consciousness, I think.

“For obedience is better than sacrifice”

Furthermore, to conduct a worship “session” in a manner pleasing to God we would have to be very much worshipping in the fullest sense of the word – which is a matter of how we choose to think, act, speak and live in respect to Him.

So I thought about what had happened earlier that afternoon. God really surprises a lot you know, and sometimes you don’t pray for certain needs (because you either don’t expect them or rather, as in my case, I think sometimes I’m too silly to realise I need some things) but God knows them perfectly and does as He sees fit.

Conversely, sometimes we pray for things that we don’t need or that might even be bad for us. Sometimes we know it’s bad for us but we still pray for it. Stupid, right? But that’s what we are from time to time. In my case, God has made sure I didn’t get them, and much later gave me the realization that such requests are not good for me anyway.

Of course, I always insert the clause “Let Your will be done” and “Do as You see fit” in my prayers, because I understand that God’s ways are far above that of Men. So maybe I’m not TOO stupid. Ok ok *pats myself on the back*

Praying is not simply a matter of gratifying or satisfying wants, as some people might sometimes put it. I think, prayer teaches us a lot about God and how He wants to relate to each and every one of us. It pulls us closer to abide in Him because He reminds us of just how much we are living by His grace and not our own strength. And I think I can think of nothing better to ask for than what has already been given: His grace and salvation that comes through Jesus Christ.

This is my Declaration of Dependence – to gladly accept the hand that is stooping down from much higher places to just to give us that lift that we can’t get by ourselves.

So, will my PTPTN loan be passed and accepted? Will I make it past the finals well enough? What about next semester, or the next? What about the upcoming Evangelistic Meeting, the Christian Fellowship, or Kampar Gospel Hall? What will I do after graduating?

The answers will come in time but I think you know where or from whom I will seek them.

The sun rises on a new day

"I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me - ....

... I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel. Peace, peace to those far and near," says the Lord, "and I will heal them"

And so there's hope for all of us - not because of anything we've done or can do, but by grace.

Going Up and Coming Down

Sometimes you go somewhere looking for something, and find something else.

And to your surprise, what you find might be of more valuable than the thing you seek.

As a brother from Tanah Rata shared, our God is a God of surprises.

Jensen thought he was getting away from all the birthday-ish stuff by going up. He didn't quite get to, and found a Guns & Roses CD instead. Haha.

But seriously. I went up Cameron full of expectations about relaxing and having a lot of unconventional fun. I went up seeking respite from what has frankly been a few unbearable weeks, in terms of workload (at least, according to my admittedly low threshold of what constitutes 'unbearable'). Now I DID find it, but I also realized something more.

Come to me, all you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I shall give you rest

How ironic then that most of the work that has been bonking me out centers around His ministry. I really need to think and pray about how I approach this. On one hand, we are not to be fair-weather Christians - but well, if the extent of work jeopardizes my own personal walk with God, then I either need to handle my time better or learn how to say No to more responsibilities, or both.

I fell sick in Cameron, and I had to be sent to the hospital to be treated. Now normally you'd see that as a pretty big bummer right? I suppose it was, for the parts when I was like ughhhdyingggg like on the way to the hospital and when I was being treated, but you know ah, it's not really a bad thing you know.

In a really weird way, I was sorta happy as I lay sick on the bed in our chalet. My friends were taking such good care of me I couldn't have smiling. It's like being at home. 4 years in CJCH and a year in Westlake and I don't recall being taken care of so well. That's the worst part about being sick away from home because your family isn't there for you, but up there, it was like I was with family anyway :)

Christians call each other brothers and sisters, and it's not just for show, not when a bond is made through the blood of Jesus.

Wouldn't change a single thing that happened up there. Seeya next time :)

IIR 2010

Hah.. 6 days after the race, I now got a winkling of time to post something about the past race.

IIR stands for Ipoh International Run, which about 15 friends and I took part in on the 18th of July. Among my contact list, Kelvin Wong and Jensen Chen are two of them.

Well I don't really feel like blogging about the run anymore, mainly because I already did a write-up for our running club website: Team Miracle Mile!

Once the website's worked things out I'll post the link here eheh heh heh.

Life has been pretty hectic recently, at least by my standards (it may not be considered hectic to people who are better organised). I need to orrrrgannise myself pleassse.

Spend every moment knowing that I can use it for the glory of the Almighty.

And so here I go! Wish me the best!

Hanging over

I feel... a bit funny. I think it's post World Cup syndrome.

And it ended in such anti-climatic fashion too, Spain pulling off their magic again? Not really. was it 7 goals for the whole tournament? 8? Nobody's counting.

Still, the World Cup is the World Cup - everybody coming together to watch the action, the drama.. all that stuff. In a way I'm glad it's over though, it is seriously not good for anybody to sleep at 530am more than once in a blue moon. Totally screwing with the internal clock.

So maybe that's what's bothering me. I feel weird and restless and lazy. Good thing Ipoh International Run is coming up, I'm gonna have to train and maybe perk myself up.

Lifestyle, lifestyle!

There is a Mountain

I want to be a teacher, true story!

Recently I was having the "So what do you want to do after uni?" chat with a freshie and she remarked: "Wow, I've never met anyone who wants to become a teacher like how you do!" with a big smile.

Yeap, I want to teach. And I get excited when thinking about it and can't wait. (Experienced teachers tell me not to get overly excited, and to enjoy my uni life as much as possible - I think they're right)

The thing is, I guess I've never really been a purpose driven person. Prior to beginning my uni life I've been a floater of epic proportions. It doesn't help that I studied Knowledge & Inquiry and Literature. Abstract concepts seem to occupy such a significant part of my psyche that I always to delay or procrastinate the nitty gritty stuff, like paperwork, applications and the ilk. This is one part of my life that seriously need to grow too - I don't think I'll be of much use ruminating on an armchair. Meanwhile, the thing I've decided on is to be as useful as possible to needy people (as a teacher).

In other words I need to learn to bite myself and sit down and really grind out work whenever I have to - I'm incredibly weak in this, while some people already know how to do this from the age of 12 or whatever.

Important that may be, but it's not the main point of this post.

I want to teach in Malaysia, seriously. Because I think there's such a need. It makes more sense to want to be useful where the need is greater - simply because I guess it's a good way to think, and if everybody thought that way instead of pursuing the path of greatest pleasure, maybe the world would be a better place. That being said, I suppose in a way I AM pursuing the path of greatest pleasure, because I can't really think of anything that gives me more pleasure than the idea that I'm being useful in empowering other people. The way I see it, absolute altruism is unachievable, but the best thing people can do is marry their interests with the good of others, such that their 'selfishness' also brings about positive change.

This is the selfishness that I profess, when the happiness of others is mine as well. I say this as an ideal of course, even though it's more achievable than altruism, it is still unbelievably tough to achieve. All I hope for is that day by day I slowly bridge the gap between my words and my true conduct, which is pretty wide.

Now, having said that, I'm brought to the concluding point of this post. When my friend said what she said to me, I realised that I must sound extremely enthusiastic, and I am! But I'm not blind to the fact that it's gonna be tough. There are just so many systemic weaknesses to our education system - stumbling blocks that have left us far behind Singapore (not that they're the best or that there aren't better examples around, just that I've got 4 years of experience there so I have the right to make comparisons). I'm not just going to finger the system, but I suppose teaching in itself will be really tough.

Moody as I am, I know I will get depressed, discouraged (prematurely), lazy or whatever. I might lose my passion from time to time. But passion and commitment are two different things - commitment is not a matter of emotions but character. And character is something that anyone can cultivate and access. So I'll have to rely on strength of character.

Of course, I have my family. I have my friends. I have God. Most of all, I have the realization that I need all of them to pull through.

I'm not on my own.

The Boss

"Those in a position of authority define the world from their perspective."

So it's no surprise that at any level of leadership, leaders run a risk of falling out of touch with reality. Extreme case would be those crazy dictators who managed to persuade themselves that they are demi-Gods. (The list includes Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot... you know, those guys)

Now the point is why the heck am I posting this? Trying to sound chim? Or just to fill up an empty blog?

We need to remind ourselves. I saw the above line in a sociolinguistics book and I took it as a reminder to myself too, since I am somewhat in a position of authority. It is so incredibly easy to fall into a solipsistic (google solipsism) world view as a leader - so easy that it scares me and I need to ask myself if I'm doing things in the best interest of every brother and sister, and of course, in line with exactly what God wants me to do.

A narrow-minded head defeats the very purpose of having a leader. What? Leadership is just supposed to be something to add to your CV so you can get a job right? Or leadership is a great way for people without musical or performing arts talent to be able to get center stage and feed their self-esteem right?

WRONG! Leadership is a service and this is the basic premise of this whole post. If you fundamentally disagree, you can stop reading now. Leadership is not so much a privilege as it is a duty - a willing sacrifice of one's own time to be a focal point for the activities of a group. Leadership is also necessary. Even in my church where an equal priesthood of believers is emphasized, there are still those who have to assume leadership, simply because this is how we have to function as long as we're still in this world.

For a Christian, the Wrong in being a self-centered leader is perhaps even more severe than that of the secular. This is because it contradicts directly with the basic principles of humility, openness and care that are inherent in our belief system.

But then hor, we're human what. We can't help it if we fall into the trap of self-delusion to varying degrees. That's true.

So what we need is to have people who can check us, scold us and whack us if necessary. I desperately want my dearest friends to do this. For me to be scolded and to feel hurt by criticism is nothing compared to the cost of remaining ignorant of my wrongdoings or my failings, insofar as these are things that can and ought to be corrected.

There is God, of course, who can, through many ways choose to reprimand me. Thank God for that. Thank God for God? Hmm.

So, my friends, please?