Technically,
I should be sleeping.
Awakened by
the rumbling of my stomache, I had risen from bed an hour after midnight to
get something to eat.
I don’t
know if it is the solace of the hour, the steady hum of the fluorescent
lighting interjected with the tweeting of crickets, or the wafting aroma of
freshly pan-fried sausages – but right now I’m feeling a kind of peace I think
I haven’t felt since I arrived back in Kampar last week, on Monday.
This peace
– some call it God.
A hint of a
frown visits my brow as I recall the past week. It’s been a variegated
fortnight for me – my own exercise in devotion and discipline was interspersed
with lapses of attention, slips of ill discipline, and patches of erratic
emotion. True and genuine repentance in some ways have not been set in my
heart. It is an awkward thing to be set between the flesh and the Spirit: they
are at war with one another.
Predictably,
I now come to the list of things I’ve committed myself to. Dear reader, if at
any point you may experience a sense of déjà
vu, do not be alarmed. I feel it all too well. It is perhaps a testament to
the fallen nature of Man that we troubles constantly resurface themselves.
FYP, cell
group, Intro to Chinese, church, transport ministry, Christmas production,
Powerman, PBIM and Nike Run.
Clearly, I
have to time this to perfection. I
know that this can be done, with a mixture of discipline, wisdom and
determination that far outstrips whatever I’m currently in possession of.
Well, well,
it’s all too obvious what God wants out of me under these circumstances. Last
chance for me to cultivate discipline, self-denial and endurance before I
graduate.
Can I do
it? Or shall I fail miserably? Speculating about the outcome won’t help, but I
take comfort in something else: It’s good to know that Jesus is by my side at
all times.
