Combustibilism.

20/12/11

2011-12-19T23:31:00.000-08:00

There are many kinds of sad - some are good, not all are bad :')

It's been a great 2.5 years in Kampar. After so many farewells, both in groups and with dear individuals, it's finally dawning on me that I'm leaving.

What can I write which may contain the breadth and depth of what I've been feeling, thinking, doing, witnessing and experiencing in these past few weeks, let alone the last 30 months?

Maybe I can explain how I feel. I feel a bit sad, and very moved. I also feel very humbled. A lot of great things have happened here in Kampar - and although one might say that I was deeply involved and active in these things, here at the end I feel more like I have been a spectator. I am a witness of the work of God. A servant also. That is all.

Maybe I should also talk about my thoughts for the future. Nothing's certain, but I have a lot of reassurance, a lot of hope and a lot of confidence that things will work out for the good.

And I pray that my brethren can also share in this hope.

Another adventure! And the hope of joyous reunion :)

Partnering Up

2011-11-30T19:40:00.001-08:00

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now.

Apostle Paul, Philippians 1:3-5

I've been thinking about partnership recently. Have you, like me, ever wondered about the relationship between the work of God and the work of a man of God? Is there a line between these two, and is it drawn? Are we, by using our effort and intelligence, trying to do God's work on our own? Perhaps we should just confine ourselves to a room all the time and pray that God will act directly in the world. Wouldn't that be great faith?

I think the key here is the idea of partnership, where the work of God and the work of Man has a symbiotic and harmonious relationship, under the good graces of God.

The truth that we are made partners and fellow co-workers (1 Corinthians 3:9) is a staggering one that may be hard to take at first. How can we do the work of God when we are such silly little beings? The Almighty God, creator of the universe, being in partnership with us?

But when we understand that God is working through us and Christ is living in us, then a lot of things make sense, and the tension disappears. What we thought was a boundary line is in fact overlapping circles, having been reconciled to God through Christ. This partnership paradigm is crucial for a Christian, and it has a great bearing on how we treat things.

We are partners with God in the Gospel. That is amazing, that we have some part in spreading the news about Christ's salvation for all.

We are partners with God in our friendships, too. As a friend, I must seek to strengthen and build up my friends in a way that is in line with God's will. In other words, great reliance on God and alignment with the teachings of Jesus. God can do this on His own, but He lets us be partners and take part in it too. God is never out of the picture in true friendships- indeed, He is in the very center of it.

We are partners with God in our Relationships (with a capital 'R'), too. With God's express permission, we enter into an exclusive and special relationship with another person, and we take upon ourselves a shared responsibility - over the other person's welfare: emotional, spiritual, physical or otherwise. And the other person does the same for us. Truthfully, these things are God's "territory", but He lets us to take part in it too. It is a great honour and should not be treated lightly.

God is never out of the picture in a Christian relationship - indeed, He is in the very center of it. As a couple's relationship is strengthened, so is their relationship with Christ, because they know that they are partners with God in this. They understand very well that they do not replace God in their partner's hearts. Even as they look to each other's needs, they recognize that God is the ultimate supplier and enabler of all things.

Whatever things work out for good will be lifted up in thanks.

I think it's crucial to remember that we partners in God in the things we do and the relationships we have. If we remember this, then we'll save ourselves from making many of the irresponsible and silly things that we do. God is in the business of redeeming and building up His children - as partners with Him, we should not be tearing others down through our actions and words, as many are unwittingly doing. God alone deserves all worship - as partners with Him, we should not be eliciting 'worship' from others (few will admit to this crime).

Repent.

Just a few of my other partners

Do you want to partner up with God? Let me know if you do - lots of steps to take first before you can do so.. and my blogposts are too long as it is hehe.

Superpowers!

2011-11-23T01:36:00.001-08:00

Spiderman is a good guy. Everybody likes Spiderman.

Your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman?

You should also know who the 'Green Goblin' is right? He's the bad guy in the first Spiderman movie. He does bad stuff and Spiderman tries to stop him.

"I tell you ah.. I'm a bad guy"

Actually hor, the two fellars have a lot in common. They both have superpowers, bestowed to them because of some experimental sciency bla bla bloo (accidentally, in Spiderman's case). As a result, they can have super strength, reflexes, endurance,etc. In Spiderman's case, he shoots web out of his hands - and I'm not talking about the world wide kind of web.

What sets them apart is obvious: One uses his powers for good things. The other, for evil.

There's a lesson to be learnt here: We need to be careful how we use our superpowers. How we use it determines whether we're the good guy or the bad guy. I'll assume that anyone reading this would rather be the good guy. Ahem.

We may not have powers like Spiderman or Green Goblin, but you have to believe me when I say that we all have powers, and while they are not as "fantastic" as those we see in superhero movies, they are definitely significant and have far reaching consequences.

Some people have great musical gifts. With their musical gifts, they can package edifying messages and send them to the world. Or they can choose to instead market inane, even negative messages. These things affect the mindsets of listeners. They have an effect on society.

"Baby, baby, baby ooo~"

Recently, I've been thinking about my own powers. People tell me that I can *ahem* sometimes use my words really well.

Being conscious of this is very important! I need to be careful that I use my powers for good. I've been extra careful about what I say recently. If my words do have power, then I must make sure I'm using it to build people up, not tear people down.

And I need to be sure that I'm really building people up! Meaning, I have to strengthen people so that they can stand on their own and find God. Sometimes, encouragement may give a semblance of strength to a person - but in reality, we are making the person have to rely on us more and more - which I think is not real strength. I want to be reliable, but not to construct situations where people live off me, because that is not fair to anyone. I will not set myself up as an idol.

It's disappointing, but I see other people who have powerful words do this to others. Even (and I'll receive a lot of flak for this) in the church. In my mind, it is a form of enslavement. I will live according to the true principles: that the truth of God sets us free and with our free choice, the only one worthy for us to be in bondage to is Christ.

Paradox? I know :P

My commitment is this: that my words point people not to myself, but to Jesus.

What are your superpowers? And are you using them for good? Think about it!

Context

2011-11-15T09:46:00.001-08:00

When itcomes to understanding a message, context is absolutely vital.

What iscontext? Without getting technical, Context can basically be said to be thesituation in which the message occurs. Saying, “I love you” means differentthings in the two following contexts:

1) Just gotdared to say it to a random girl on the street.

2) Childhoodfriends who have gone through thick and thin together, sitting under a fullmoon on Valentine’s day with fireworks spreading across the sky in thedistance. (Okay, exaggerated abit)

The wordsare the same, but the message meaning is of a completely different degree andtype.

----

Anyway, I’ve beenthinking a lot about context lately, and about how we need context when we wantto tell people things.

When wetell the truth, we also want people to be persuaded of it.. but they often are not, in spite of the truth value of our words.

I find thatthis is normally because of context.

Forexample, when we tell people the truth that Jesus loves them, it doesn’t makesense unless we speak this truth in the context of love – like a loving, honestrelationship. That is why we are not only told to speak the truth, but to do soin love (Ephesians 4:15)

God willultimately be the one to make His love real to His children, but I am convincedthat He wants us to help one another in this too. Probably because, to a beingwho is in very nature Love, it must be pleasing to God not only to have Hiscreation love him, but for love toabound amongst His creation too.

But anyway,I am just musing.

We need toask God to help us with our contexts. Let me tell you what He has done for me.

I’ve oftenfound that I need to be a comfort and assurance to people - - for anyone frommy closest friends to near strangers. And you know what, there's no way you can comfort someone if you yourself are anxious. And there's no way you can be an assurance to anyone if you yourself are filled with doubt and fear.

That being said, I’ve nearly always found myself endowed with somesense of supernatural assurance that would naturally be beyond me. I am, bynature, an anxious person who over-thinks matters. Yet, when the need arises, Ipray and God provides me with comfort so that I may in turn be a comfort toothers.

This is anincredible, humbling experience for a nervous wreck like me - so much that I often go home after such conversations with great peace like a river in my heart. With God’s help, acontext of assurance and comfort can be created, and hopefully, the messagegets across a little.

After all,(and I’m telling myself this) what shall we worry about? If God is for us, whocan be against us? I draw no assurance from the things of the world, but standon the promises of God only.

And if I should be so caught up in things that Iforget this, I know for sure He’ll send me those dear friends and angels to give thesame timely reminder of His love, wrapped in their own context of love.

Now isn't that great :)

A Friend

2011-11-13T09:00:00.001-08:00

I think we all know what it means to be lonely.

Some of us generally work that way, and it becomes something we get used to. Some of us feel it creeping in slowly from time to time and try to find companions to compensate.

Or some experience it crashing down on them so suddenly that it leaves you breathless.

I'm like that.

It is so illogical and unreasonable that I resent it. But it's there.

Loneliness, roaring like a lion.

Lean on Me!

2011-11-03T23:26:00.000-07:00

Everybodyneeds to depend on other people. Yes, we do that, even when it’s bad for us. Weseem to be hard wired that way.

But theproblem is, people are inherently unreliable, right?

Everybodymakes mistakes that can hurt the others around us. Sometimes we even do such things intentionally, out of our negative emotions.. Ever got caught up in the spur of the moment?

This is whyforgiveness is so crucial. Forgiveness has no value where there is perfection,but in the imperfect reality that we are part of, forgiveness is the one thingthat can save.

Jesusdemonstrated this – big time – on thecross, when he let himself be killed for the forgiveness of our sins, which are against God and against each other (which,in a roundabout way, is against God too)

Now He’salive again, and asks us to live like how He did until the time comes for Hisreturn:

Forgiveeach other!

Do not takerevenge for yourself!

Love yourenemies!

Can youhear His word?

Ultimately,we still need to rely on people. But if you ever find that people are just toounreliable, you can still trust in Jesus, who is perfect, without blemish (I don’tmean in a L’Oreal kinda way) and is ever present in the lives of those who puttheir hope in Him.

The peaceand security that comes from Jesus will eventually give you the courage youneed to trust other people too. You know that even if others let you down, ourdependable God will be there to lift us up. David said, “Though my mother andfather forsake me the Lord will receive me” (Psalms 27).

Parenthesis:I don’t mean that my parents have been forsaking me (Hi Ma and Pa!), they loveme a lot. But in some people’s case, it’s true. The evidence is that apparentlyDavid wasn’t treated very well in his family – being the “runt” and all that.

So ah, ifyou got ears, listen! Rely on God first – you will find in Him a sense of securitythat will transform your lives. The stronger your relationship with God, themore able you will be to forgive and trust people without fear. Guaranteed. (And by the way, you can't have a father-children relationship with God unless you accept Jesus first, because only Jesus can make us acceptable to God the Father)

Just prayto accept Jesus into your life and let Him take control. His perfect love castsout all fear (1 John 4:18), and sets us on a path of a new life, filled withlove, truth and the Spirit.

2AM

2011-10-21T23:49:00.000-07:00

Technically,I should be sleeping.

Awakened bythe rumbling of my stomache, I had risen from bed an hour after midnight toget something to eat.

I don’tknow if it is the solace of the hour, the steady hum of the fluorescentlighting interjected with the tweeting of crickets, or the wafting aroma offreshly pan-fried sausages – but right now I’m feeling a kind of peace I thinkI haven’t felt since I arrived back in Kampar last week, on Monday.

This peace– some call it God.

A hint of afrown visits my brow as I recall the past week. It’s been a variegatedfortnight for me – my own exercise in devotion and discipline was interspersedwith lapses of attention, slips of ill discipline, and patches of erraticemotion. True and genuine repentance in some ways have not been set in myheart. It is an awkward thing to be set between the flesh and the Spirit: theyare at war with one another.

Predictably,I now come to the list of things I’ve committed myself to. Dear reader, if atany point you may experience a sense of déjàvu, do not be alarmed. I feel it all too well. It is perhaps a testament tothe fallen nature of Man that we troubles constantly resurface themselves.

FYP, cellgroup, Intro to Chinese, church, transport ministry, Christmas production,Powerman, PBIM and Nike Run.

Clearly, Ihave to time this to perfection. Iknow that this can be done, with a mixture of discipline, wisdom anddetermination that far outstrips whatever I’m currently in possession of.

Well, well,it’s all too obvious what God wants out of me under these circumstances. Lastchance for me to cultivate discipline, self-denial and endurance before Igraduate.

Can I doit? Or shall I fail miserably? Speculating about the outcome won’t help, but Itake comfort in something else: It’s good to know that Jesus is by my side atall times.

Saturday School

2011-10-01T04:18:00.000-07:00

Well, one terrible lesson has passed.

I've no idea what I can teach these kids.

No excuses though - I think I was a terrible teacher. I haven't the temperament to handle problem children, and trying to hold a bilingual class as monolingual is just a joke. The lack of confidence I have in Chinese spilled over into my control of the class. The moment they smelled a hint of insecurity... habis.

I'm not going to say that this is not my gifting and just hide behind that, though. Large churches have the luxury of being able to specialize, but being in a small church just means I'll have to do whatever the church feels I have to do. That's the way it is and I accept that.

Next time will be better. Armed with better preparation and experience, and hopefully a helper or two (manpower shortage today), I'll prove that this bad lesson was for the better.

It certainly was an eye opener. I've been able to pretty much do anything I set my mind to for the past three years.

This will be an uphill task indeed. Oh well, Uncle Chan told us that uphills are good training what :P

Half or Hard Boiled Eggs

2011-09-01T04:28:00.001-07:00

This morning we had prayer meeting.

Naturally, it was hard to even keep my eyes open at the beginning. Funnily enough, I did encounter something eye opening.

An old Chinese couple spotted that we were Christians in prayer, and so blessed us and had a chat.

Although clearly very advanced in age, both of them were proud to tell us that, wrinkles and white hair notwithstanding, they had no sickness whatsoever. In fact, they cycled to the Westlake Gardens for some morning exercise all the way from their homes in another part of Kampar. There are plenty of young adults in UTAR who wouldn't be willing to travel that far without a motorized vehicle.

Their daughter is a missionary and they're very proud of it. They soon cycled off, looking like a very cute and loving couple indeed.

We went for breakfast in Ghany and Steven Liew ordered half boiled eggs. A 50-ish year old man from the next table passed him the soy sauce. That man was probably a local, and he was eating half boiled egg with his father, who was munching on a hard boiled egg. They chatted softly over their eggy breakfast and kopi.

His father, as one might expect, was probably an octogenarian, though of course we did not ask. No need to interrupt breakfast between father and son.

And I find it so hard to wake up early enough in the mornings to have a walk and breakfast with Ma and Pa. That has got to change.

Someone or Something

2011-08-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

Dag Hammarskjold, UN Secretary General (April 1953 - September 1961)

'I don't know who - or what - put the question. I don't know when it was put. I don't even remember answering. but at some moment, I did say Yes to Someone or Something. From that hour I was certain that existence is meaninful and that my life in self-surrender had a goal.'

(Quoted from Crews, 1986)

Great men.

Morning

2011-08-21T03:20:00.000-07:00

Am back in Kampar after easily travelling more than 1500 kilometers in the past 2 weeks. It's been really tiring, and I wasn't even the one driving. My dad must be exhausted.

Life's got to move on. Everybody else is, anyway. People have got work to do and a living to be made - all I need to do is work on FYP, finish my presentations, study for exams, besides CG, CF and church commitments. It's actually not much, when put into perspective.

Yes, I need to stand up, dust myself off and get on living properly. It's what Gung Gung would have wanted. Indeed, hard and even harsh work was how he lived. And he lived an exemplary life.

I can imagine all the treasure waiting for him in heaven, and the big smiles that will greet him there. You can only really be happy for him, you know.

I think it'll be a long time till we meet again, though strictly speaking that's not in my hands. Seeya.

Loon(e)y Tunes

2011-08-06T05:57:00.000-07:00

Loony is a weird word. Loony.

The person above is Luna Lovegood, a character from Harry Potter the movie. She's also called Loony Luna, because she does weird stuff.

As I read Harry Potter, I actually liked her character a lot. She's a really good person who is brave, cherishes her friends and does not mind being seen as unorthodox (or being bullied, for that matter). Yup, she's treated pretty badly. One of the reasons why I think Harry Potter is so unrealistic is how none of the teachers or prefects or decent folks in the school do anything about the bullying.

But then again, that could probably be more realistic portrayal of most schools *Cynical Face On* There's one part where Luna placidly explains to Harry that people enjoy taking her stuff and hiding it in awkward places. At the end of every school term, she has to post up long notices of all the stuff she's lost, hoping that they'd return.

Magical world or not, the social structure in schools can be nasty, huh.

I'm in university now, though I sometimes call it "school". Like, "Eh, what time you going school ah?"

Oops.

People say that, technically, I should be having the time of my life now.

That makes a lot of sense. I am enjoying myself. I've got a lot to be grateful for - picking up interests, developing skills, having great friends, learning some important things.. I guess I will be coming out a more competent, complete, thoughtful and purpose driven person. That ain't so bad.

Yet, there's always a "BUT" sign that has to be hung up somewhere in my head every time people ask me if I'm enjoying myself. Some kind of caveat, I suppose - the less pleasant side of the story. I could choose to be all positive or all negative, but neither can be totally true without the other, and normally it just takes too much time to explain things. And if I don't explain things properly, then I get misunderstood. And I'm not so sure people want to hear my long stories anyway.

Sorta the kind of conversation that you'd take a half marathon to complete. Want to find out? Run with me lah. Haha.

Like and unlike Luna, I think I might be getting slightly loony. Not "crazy" in a straightforward way, but probably just mentally or psychologically frayed. Stress related, I suppose.

I was ambling by Block D when I spotted a booth that the Counselling and Care unit set up, labelled "Personality Test". I went up and tried for it, partly to find out what it says about me and partly because I'm the kind of guy who likes to scrutinize research methodologies. (Maybe I AM loony)

Once I started I knew the test was poorly labelled and wasn't a Personality Test per se, but a test on my emotional health.

"Alamak.. are these fellars psychology students?"

Finished it anyway and let the lady tabulate my scores (she wasn't a psychology student, just a volunteer helper. very nice of her to spend her time in that way)

I received the diagnosis that I have Severe anxiety and stress levels. Yet, at the same time, the test showed that I am also very contented and satisfied with my life. I won't tell you what I think of the methodology.

A few days later, the campus counsellor (certified one) called me up and asked if we could meet up to check on whether I'm okay. Never met him before, but he was sent my results slip.

That's actually really nice of them - even in my days in SJI and CJCH, no one was really went all the way to that extent to check up on us students, in spite of the resources that the schools had and the fact that they were both Catholic mission schools.

I declined to go meet them though, because I know what's my problem la.. but it was nice to have that concern coming from some people I don't know.

How will I feel, by the end of my university life?

I don't really know.

All I know is that this probably isn't sustainable.

And that while it's better than being apathetic, but there are wiser ways to live out our ideals.

And that, in the midst of all the things I'm doing right now, what I really really want to do is go visit my grandparents in Singapore.

Hatchoo!

2011-08-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

Being sick is extremely humbling.

You can be as talented, skilled or trained as you want, but when you are sick, you're about as effective as a soggy turnip and as capable as an onion peel.

Clearly, the use of silly similes mean I need to go to bed

Update Rebate

2011-07-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

I've been an extremely active blogger recently... in my head.

Time's a-tickin, so I'll have to give the rebated version here.

The UTAR Express, taking you to...?

I don't really know exactly where I'll end up, but I know I'm going somewhere. The wheels are turning, and the scenery around me changes.

Whatever happens from here on, the fact remains that I'll only ever have 24 hours in a day.

I still lack the discipline. And I think I lack the heart, too.

I realize that I don't handle stress very well - and no matter what your abilities are, if you can't handle stress, these abilities are curtailed and your progress hits a glass ceiling.

Recently.... a few times, I've found myself sitting there and staring right at that glass ceiling... wondering what to do.

People see my abilities and ask for my time, and I don't blame them for that. Sometimes I say yes when I shouldn't. Sometimes I say no, and normally it turns out that it was the right choice. But all in all what bugs me is this apparent inability I have to really explain that when I'm at a loose end it doesn't matter how well I can do stuff.

And what bugs me even more is that I just explained it out in under a minute - after finding it so difficult to bring it up in conversation.

Maybe the flow of things just weren't right.

But enough about myself - I find other people more interesting anyway. I can firmly say that really helping people is one of those things that give me clarity. I say clarity, but I suppose you might call it joy. I like it a lot. When you're down, you feel like there's a cloud over your head and you're stuck in the haze. Joy feels like the clouds poof away and you're covered in light. Everything's bright. That's why I say it gives me clarity.

Also, I think I say "clarity" also because my head is working with conundrums most of the time. You know someone spends a lot of time thinking when his face always lights up when he finds a solution. It's like reaching the finish line.

But if you ever see me appearing unhelpful, it's probably because I think my help can be harmful. What I mean is that I spoil people a lot. Really a lot. I think people get used to me doing stuff, and I don't like that. Not only because feeling like you're being taken for granted is something nobody likes, but because I feel like I'm killing my friends if I spoil them. Really.

People wonder why I don't go all out trying to fix everything on my own in assignments anymore, but it's simply because we could all do with our share of learning. I'd like to facilitate that instead, but few people seem as interested in the subject matter as they are in their grades. Maybe if I try too hard to talk about the subject matter, people'll just think I'm trying to show off instead of the fact that I really feel learning is fun.

That is, of course, nothing out of the ordinary.

I think I've a lot of good people in my life :) A lot of interesting people too (not mutually exclusive).

And I think, the following weeks are going to be posing a lot of problems to solve - with maybe some flashes of clarity along the way.

Yay? Sigh?

Prime Time

2011-06-25T06:16:00.001-07:00

Transformers 3 is coming out. Optimus Prime is cool.

"Autobots.. check me outzz"

Recently I've been sick of course, but let's not go there again.

The point is, I should be in KL now, going to bed early for my race at 5am. Instead, I'm in Kampar, tinkering with my FYP. Granted, it's more important, but that's not the reason why I'm here now.

In Team Miracle Mile, we use the term "Miracle Mile" a lot. It's our metaphor for goals, or the milestones we have in our pursuit of running. Sometimes the term comes to mind when you try to describe the feeling of making a certain pace or distance on the road.

As I grew in stature as a runner, my Miracle Miles became a whole lot cooler. From "finishing a 10k race without walking", I went to "getting a ranked position in the UTAR Run" and even "1:40 for Half Marathon".

These are all important. In their own contexts, they're equally important goals.

However, the situation I'm in right now means I have only one Miracle Mile immediately in mind:

I just want to get well and strong again.

And I'm not only talking about running. I want to live strong. There's been a malaise that I've been swimming in. I've been stuck in a rut. Hanging at a loose end. I know the feeling - I've been here before, and I think you know it too.

FYP, assignments, projects, cell group, discipleship training, bible study, marathons and relationships - these are all challenges that God has given me to not only accomplish, but excel and enjoy.

It's time to live high, live mighty, live righteously.

Not taking it easy.

Optimus Prime died but was revived by the Cube thingy in the second movie.

Optimus Prime is cool (Y)

Hold Your Breath

2011-06-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

It’s been years, but just today, I took out my asthma inhaler and had a puff. The instructions say that after taking the puff, you have to hold your breath, so I held it.

In doing so, I found that I can hold my breath a lot longer now.

I still remember when I first used it: way back in primary school when first diagnosed with asthma and bronchitis. At that time, a paltry 10 seconds was all I could force, and I got worried that the medicine wouldn’t work because I could not follow the instructions to the letter.

Yeah, it was pretty bad in those days.

I’ve always been a rather sickly kid, though coming to Kampar has seen me get a lot better.

However, recently I’ve had a long stretch of niggling illness that just doesn’t seem to go away.

At first, my throat just felt irritated, and so I stayed off cold drinks and fried stuff. Then, I lost my voice.

When I was younger I was the more quiet type, but at the same time, if I did say anything normally it’d be quite stupid. And I’m telling you, that’s not a good combination. Having people react to my words and person has taught me a whole lot of hard, early lessons – so I’m relieved to say that maybe I’ve turned out to generally be the kind of person who says the right stuff at the right time in the right amount.

My own (possibly cynical) evaluation is that I get it right about half the time, and that’s pretty good, though I hope it gets better.

It’s with the mouth that I thank people. Explain things. Ask questions. Encourage. Sing. Let others know that they are liked or loved. Make jokes. Greet. Praise God.

But it’s also with the mouth that I belittle others, tear down confidence, lie and cause hurt. This is not good.

Sore throat has given way to something else though – I’ve been generally fluey and expelling phlegm over the past 2 days – it’s the flue that’s been triggering my asthma, reacting to fur, air-con and dust.

I’ve been praying a lot, and others have been praying too. We’re praying that God will heal us (so many of us are ill these days!) and that He will also increase our faith.

That’s another “illness” I have, a lack of real faith, as opposed to self reliance – one thing that the world taught me that I’ve yet to really unlearn.

I can hold my breath longer now, though.

The "Central" Question.

2011-06-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

Last week, Uncle Yam talked about putting Christ at the center of the church, and today Uncle Cheah shared about obedience to God’s calling – doing what God wants you to do, rather than doing “something” for God. I feel very much convicted through God’s Word as expounded by these two brothers.

The words from these two brothers still resonate in my echoic memory. Uncle Yam pointed out that if people come to church and CF consistently yet go away knowing more about you (the leaders) and about how interesting, kind, attractive or whatever that you are, rather than knowing more about Jesus then something must be wrong, and we need to reexamine our focus. Are we really giving glory to God, and pointing people to the only One who can save them: Jesus? In short, are we a Christ-centered ministry?

In practice, do we do as Joseph and Daniel did (Genesis 41, Daniel 2), who when credited with the ability to correctly interpret prophetic dreams, answered that it is the work of God, and not of man?

In the course of our service, we’ll be bound to pull off lots of really cool stuff. We’ll succeed from time to time. That’s for sure. In the rain of applause that always seem to come after every victory (it’s in our culture, it seems), might we, even for a moment, fall into the temptation of indulging in a moment of self pride and accomplishment?

More thought has to be put into how, through every detail in our walk with God, the people we come into contact with (either personally or collectively) can be pointed firmly to our Lord Jesus who saves.

After all, who are we serving? Who?

Selah

2011-04-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

Carrie Underwood is really pretty, and she sings some really nice songs. One of her famous singles, "So Small" starts the chorus with the following line:

"Sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing, is just a grain of sand"

The whole song pretty much talks about this - about how the adversity we face is not as big as it may often seem.

I'll assume that Miss Underwood really means it when she sings it, and as she is Christian, it makes me think about the Biblical truth that might be behind it. (Note: She recently belted out her rendition of "How Great Thou Art" - made me shiver)

I think she has a point, you know. Sometimes we perceive our problems as insurmountable, when instead it's our perceptions in themselves that stop us from moving and doing what's needed and important.

If we stopped to actually take stock of everything, and have our "Selah" moments, maybe we'd realize that we can actually do this. Stopping to think and analyze helps us not only realize that our problems are surmountable, but also helps us come up with ways to go about doing it.

Finals start on Friday. So much has happened this semester - now will we end it with a smile together?

UTAR Volunteerism Run

2011-04-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. Okay I got quite a lot of things to do, but still, I really want to blog about something.

For the first time ever, we've had a distance race here in Kampar under UTAR. In conjunction with the apparently upcoming 10th anniversary of the university's founding, they've been going all out to do community service. This is a good thing. The run this time was to fund the construction of a mini library in Tronoh Mines, which I tell you is a really ulu place. Hope they find the library helpful.

As it was a 5km race, it went by pretty quick - so much that I can even give a blow by blow account of how it went. Here it is:

Before Flag-off: Finally! The starting time advertised was 7am, yet here we are still waiting at 813am.. warmed up too early and even cooled down with all the waiting we had to do. The emcee quite kesian.. have to repeat everything in 3 languages haha. Team Miracle Mile are all lined up at the front - nice :)

Bang!: Off we go! Wait, why are we running so fast? After 200 metres, I noticed that we're doing a 3min/km pace.. crazy fellas. Shujian and Jensen blasted off like madmen, making up about 15-20 people ahead of me. Kaomeng and I kept at our usual pace (we've trained together quite a number of times).. his presence really is reassuring.

1km mark: Water station! So fast! Just take and pour on my head for a kick :) Over the first km, a few people have fallen out already. Some slowed down their running pace and some even walked. I would say there's a dozen ahead of us now. I'm still with Kaomeng and Jensen is about 20 metres ahead.

2km mark: Now to get those little wristbands from the checkpoint. I peeled away from Kaomeng to grab one from a helper, and didn't see him again until the finish line. I could sense his presence behind me, but who has time to turn, eh? One tall dude with a nice body frame gave up and walked, which both surprised and spurred me on.. passed Jensen also but of course he wouldn't walk.

3km mark: Didn't bother taking the water. Regret it slightly though, I could use another sprinkle on the head... It's getting hot, which wouldn't have been the case if we had started on time. I've lost Kaomeng already, but I can see two red vests in front - clearly Meng Leong and Shujian. A bit surprised that I can still see Meng Leong, and more so that Shujian's ahead of him.

4km mark: I'm. feeling. tired... this was supposed to be a 4km race.. There's this white shirt guy between me and Meng Leong, whom I lost sight of because we're turning corners now. I can still see white shirt dude though, he's just maybe 40 metres ahead of me. I'm not totally sure, but at this point I knew I'd be in the top 10. The corners are agonizing la, I don't know how far I am from the front.

Stopped: I sped up too early thinking that I'm nearly there.. had to stop to choke down the impulse to vomit.. Continued running after a split second, but that's lost momentum I need to make up for. Starting to feel dizzy and I'm breathing crazily like... like... like.. like always I guess.

Finish! (4.87km): Goodbye, white-shirt guy! A turn of pace in what turned out to be the last 200m took me level with him for a while - we shared the sound of mutual haggard breathing for a few seconds before I shot away for the finish line. Dizzy and disoriented, with heart blasting away, I still had the presence of mind to stop my Garmin: 21minutes 55 seconds for a 4.87km route. A decent but unspectacular timing, yet I placed 6th.

What else can I say? It was a good run - would've definitely achieved my initial target of 17:30 for 4km.. In the end I still managed to finish the race with decent pace although I had to run 870 extra metres.

The organization was very poor. I suppose, on one hand, the committee neglected to consult any of the runners in UTAR about the technical side of organising such a race - even I could have troubleshooted loads of the problems that they faced - let alone the many other seasoned runners out there. They did do quite a meticulous and thorough survey after the race though, so I hope that, if they or UTAR is serious about really giving the best to the community - they can improve loads for next time. The running scene in Kampar is something of great potential that they can tap into.

Of course, the great thing about running is that even if the race planning screws up and goes haywire, you still get a real good kick out of it, eh? It was nice running with the Team and meeting new runners too. Next race: Bidor Half Marathon.

Same Same Same But Different

2011-04-09T07:21:00.001-07:00

Same religion, same faith, different philosophies..

Can it be?

Maybe we can take the usual diplomatic stand and say "Ah, I think it's just a matter of opinion, both also works but it depends on you personally..."

But the Bible says something different.

Have we really renewed our mind with a Biblical (and hence, Godly) value system? Or are we just filling it with odd, feel-good phrases and fancy sounding jargon?

My Dead End?

2011-04-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

When was the last time I felt as bad at this?

I can't really care to remember.

I refuse to leave because I think it's not right, but by staying I'm at a loss of what I can do. I feel so sure I can't change anything here and I'm not the type to sit around placidly, doing nothing - not when my energy can be used for something real somewhere else.

Where are your hearts?

Rapunzel, Rapunzel

2011-03-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

I really like this movie, don't you?

Pretty lead, Nice Soundtrack and Silky Hair - what else does one need?

The characters are so funny, and her hair is really nice and cool! There's one scene in particular that I came across in Youtube. It's when Rapunzel and Flynn come into the city. They meet people, see things, enjoy the community and beautiful - absolutely heart warming. Watch it yourself! It's worth it :)

Nice right?

Halfway through the scene, though, I felt a tinge of strong emotion when Rapunzel held up that small purple flag at 1:42. What I felt, I think, was a strong sense of loss and of longing, incongruously mixed up in the midst of merriment and spectacle.

I was thinking about the people of that city, and the Lantern Celebration that they held every year (on that day that Rapunzel arrived). All those elaborate preparations were made specially for it. How do you think the people felt?

If you've watched the movie and followed the story, you'll know that that event was set up because of the lost Princess. It was set up after she was kidnapped, in desperate hope that, one day, when she sees the lanterns light up the sky, she would be drawn to find her way home.

What we observe in the city during the day is great merriment - decorations go up, lanterns are prepared, people dance and sing, flowers are everywhere. It's beautiful, and there's a happy hustle and bustle. The Lantern Festival has become part of their way of life, something for kids and adults alike to look forward to.

Yet in the midst of that, they remember the loss of their princess, who was hope and happiness to the whole city. That's why things turn solemn at night.

This is both beautiful and sad.

I am reminded of the story of Jesus and our walks as Christians.

Jesus' death and suffering is something we see with both immense sorrow and unbridled joy - it is the most extreme paradox that I've ever experienced.

Knowing that His death was for us, and that it was necessary, and experiencing the transformative power that comes from it is the happiest, most mind blowing thing about being a Christian. Through Christ' suffering and death, we grasp the crux of God's love towards us, and that is a joy that no tongue can tell nor scribe can write of.

At the same time, knowing who He is and that He had to go through all that really makes me sad. We understand that it was unavoidable, but can't help feeling that way.

In view of the upcoming UTAR CF's Easter Celebration, I'm led to think about Good Friday, which commemorates Jesus' death on the cross. I think that maybe our celebration on Good Friday is a little bit like the Lantern Festival in Rapunzel/Tangled. Both solemn and joyous, sad and happy.

The people living in that Castle and I share something in common you know, and I'm not just talking about our ambivalent feelings. We share a common lifestyle. They waited 17 years, hoping to see their Princess again, and she came back! How wonderful it was for them when she did.

I, too, am waiting. Waiting for Jesus to come back like He said He will. Whether it will happen in my time, I'm not sure - but in my own way, I want to light my own lantern, to let him know we're waiting and ready here.

The Yearn to Learn

2011-03-23T03:26:00.000-07:00

The Library (just before completion)

I went to the library today and found myself slightly disoriented – they’ve rearranged the books on the shelves (must have been recently, since even Manmeet remarked that its’ new, and she seems like she goes regularly).

I was there to pick up books – I need stuff for Syntax & Morphology, and my FYP too. The books that I picked up in the end were colossal, and chockfull of cheem-ness.

With some effort, I can still follow what’s written in there, but not as well as I would’ve hoped that I could at this point in time. I’m still not bandying terminology and concepts around freely – as I would when talking epistemology after 2 years of KI. I feel a little bad because of that.

It’s not that I regret that my studies are not my first priority – very much subservient to my desire to know God and love people. That will never change. But I also have a notion that God wants me to do something out of my academic life – partly based on the premise that it matches the ability and preparation that I have. That is, of course, a notion – and I’m still seeking God on the matter.

But whatever it is, my lackadaisical approach to academics recently is not because I’ve been too involved in church, CF and other works. That’s a given. It’s just that I think I haven’t been able to maximize my time and keep my focus when I need to. It’s always been a problem, I guess – and the stark absence of the kind of inspirational and engaging tutors that I used to have makes it harder to get motivation. Even the docile yet wise Mr Kwan is badly missed L

If this is the situation, then it’s time for me to dig deep and look inwards. No matter what, I’m going to power through and finish this undergrad course without any regrets. That is, I want to be sure I have my hands firmly grasping the lower rungs of the academic ladder. After that is the climb.

If I’m going to present a learned self to my Lord, I want to be sure it’s a good one.

No Day But Today

2011-03-20T05:05:00.000-07:00

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget - regret - or life is yours to miss.

No other road
No other way
No day but today -

-"Rent: The Musical"

Recently I went for Shu Ern and Wendy's convocation in KL. It's the first convo I've been to in my life, really - both Jie Jie and Kor Kor's ceremonies were in the UK (I miss them a lot)

Wisma MCA (Convo building) was full of people. Full of flowers and soft toys, too. There were young adults like us, young kids like those in Sunday School, little toddlers like Jaron, grown ups like Papa and Mama and elderly people like Ah Ma and Kong Kong.

People from all walks of life and all stages of life, all congregated there to celebrate the same thing: a rite of passage that tells the world,

"Hey there world, here I am, educated and ready! Let me show you what that means and what I've got,"

I really have no idea what I'll feel like when my turn comes (I suppose it will). I just hope that at that moment, I'll still be madly in love - with God and people. It's the only way to really live without regrets.

Prayer Meeting: Is There a Point?

2011-03-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

In life, we ask a lot of questions:

Q:What's this smelly cat doing in my house? :(

In a completely unrelated matter, I've been waking up at 6:15 am on ~~every~~ some Thursday mornings to go for the 7am prayer meeting these past three semesters - always asking the same thing:

Q:"Huh? I'm awake? What for? Want sleep la.., Can I don't go?"

Of course, after the questions come the answers:

"Aiya, whaffor? I got assignments, tests, bla bla, blu blu.. I already go for CF, Sunday service, Bible Study and church punya prayer meeting what"

It can be hard to think when you're zonked out in the mornings when it's still dark, but I think the real question we should ask is:

Q:"God, is there a point?"

I think I've been going simply out of devotion - meaning that I think it pleases God that I set aside this time for Him and so I do it. After all, He instructs us to pray. I think He's happy with that, and by His grace, my reasons don't end there.

As always (at least, within the sphere of my experience) when we devote and commit something that He wants us to do, He gives fresh reasons to pursue these things - reasons that you wouldn't (or at least I didn't) expect.

So let me tell you about myself now: I really look forward to our prayer meets. I can't really condense my whole experience into this post, but I think the (sadly small number of) people who attend the meetings regularly know how I see it.

I feel that it's something really exciting and really fun! I've learnt a lot of things through prayer walk in particular, and I've made very specific and important decisions out of some stuff that happens.

Therefore, the point is, there IS a point in coming together for prayer - but its' details are for God to show.

So I'd really like to ask all of you people out there to come. I think the only really sad part is that there are so few of us there to listen to God together. I think it's a shame because so many of us are missing out! (So, if you have friends who keep bugging you to go for prayer meets, don't get annoyed! They're just trying to share the joy with you :P)

"The devoted are patient and persevering."

Prayer Meeting

Venue: Westlake Gardens (between Beijing and Lake)

Time: 7am every Thursday.

Prayer Walk

Venue: Block D/E Cafeteria

Time: 5:30pm-6:30pm every Thursday (until further notice)

A Bareno?

2011-03-13T06:46:00.000-07:00

What in the world is a Bareno? Is it some obscure Mexican folk dance? Is it the latest new-fangled Japanese toy in the market?

Bareno Kitty?

In reality, it is actually some relatively obscure firm that produces "a wide range of bathroom and kitchen products .... to cater to all your needs in style." (Bareno, 2011)

Like most 21 year old young men my age, I don't know squat about different bathroom and kitchen products. I know how to use them - I've been using them for quite some time now (I think..) but what do I know about brands? And why am I posting about this when there's so much else going on in the world right now?

Somehow, this company knew my achilles heel and decided to organize a multi-distance race in what I suppose must be partially a publicity bid too.

So there we were, 11 UTAR students from Kampar with absolutely no interest in kitchen sinks, braving the traffic and our packed schedules to make it to KL so that we could run the Bareno Run 2011. We had to pay for registration fees, we had to drive all the way, some of us had mid-term papers less than 24 hours before the race, we had to wake up at 4am, we had to run over either 10 or 21km of hilly terrain in a hazy atmosphere and our bodies experienced various degrees of pain, aches, cramps - you name it.

Naturally, we enjoyed it very much. After all, our interest is in running.

One thing that occurred to me is how daunting this run was in many ways. I haven't had the time or determination to train for this event (unlike PBIM). I was dead tired out of all the driving the previous day and only caught 4 hours of sleep, tops. I was sniffing and sneezing both during the night before and the morning of the race itself. The hilly terrain turned this trial into an ordeal, no joke.

But let me tell you something really cool about today's run. I finished it, and as a bonus, I finished it within my somewhat naively set target of getting a sub-2 hour half.

This is in spite of the fact that I've never wanted to give up so badly as I did in this race. Both my mind and body were yelling out for me to stop but I didn't. Not until my body took things into its own hands, though, cramping up and forcing me stop 3 times during the race. Yet I always got up and running again.

This race confirmed to me that there is some voice within me - the voice that is essential to all runners and tells you that you can do it - that you can overcome this.

I don't think I'll see you again, Bareno, but thanks anyway. I feel like I've come away just a little bit stronger.

Disneyland

2011-03-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

Disneyland, Ayer Tawar.

Renjie's hometown is way ahead of Melaka! We've got a lot of fancy tourism stuff and people lining up for miles just to eat chicken rice that has been balled into um.. rice balls but we didn't even think of making a Disneyland for our kids! Please, Ali Rustam, if you're reading this.

I know that as our CM you are so in touch with the grassroots and therefore you will read the blog of a this patriotic young Malaccan boy right. Blimey, I can even remember how to sing the state song!

But seriously, everybody loves Disney. What's there not to love? You have a fantasy world where there are no mosquitos, AIDs and where your 50 foot long silky blonde hair doesn't get dirty after dragging it through a tunnel (underneath a bar, and you know what goes into the the sewage system under bars, even in the real world where we drink less).

Besides the wonderful setting that elimnates/ignores lots of the trivial but annoying stuff we have here on Earth, you have the story. Oh, the story the story the story. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They fall in love. They face some bad guys and go on an adventure and win and it's awesome. That's the magic word: Adventure.

Now what really catches me is not so much the boy meets girl part (hehe) but the fact that the story is all about adventure. Isn't that nice? Travelling unknown lands, fighting monsters, making friends with exotic creatures, living in a castle, etc.

Instead, I sit here grappling with different things - concerns about the country (Merlimau and Kerdau - disappointing), those assignments, these presentations, that FYP, tests, this thing that thing those things.

But unlike Disney productions, my real life is... well.. real. And I can smell an adventure on the horizon. It's just that everything's fast-forwarded in the movies and my life isn't going to be crammed into a 2 hour show.

Come to meeee, adventure!!

Pippin is looking away into the horizon

Another Day on the Malaysian Train

2011-02-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

I stood at the corner of the carriage, leaning against the walls with my luggage huddled immediately beneath. The faint odor of diesel and cigarette smoke was present in the air - a palimpsest of smell – signs of both fuels and cigarettes that have burned and burned away into the atmosphere, but not without leaving their own marks – like a hint of old memory.

Because of the Chinese New Year traffic jam from Melaka to Seremban, I had missed my train back to Kampar. As penance, I had to exchange the comforts of the modern ETS to take the commuter to KL Sentral before switching over to a night train to Ipoh. There I will stay over for a night at Elim Gospel Hall, making my way to Kampar only the next day.

The carriage was filled with people of all races, mostly Malays. I feel uncomfortable calling people Malays, or Indians or even Chinese, in fact. I feel like it separates us, although I think it shouldn’t and I wish it didn’t. I wonder if the labels of race had as acute an effect on people as it has on me.

Not that I need any additional reason to feel separate from others.

After all, I’m a very un-Chinese-like Chinese, a very un-Malaysian-like Malaysian and maybe even a very un-young-adult-like young adult. I can’t speak Chinese properly or write Chinese at all, I lived and studied in Singapore from the age of 14-18.. you get the picture.

I speak and write Bahasa Melayu well enough (PMR and ‘O’ Levels – ‘A’, if that means anything) but as I listened to the banter of the group of Malay (here I go again) friends around me, I realized that um, I probably don’t understand them too well. After all, in casual situations, nobody really speaks the proper Bahasa Melayu developed by Dewan Pustaka, but revert to the language in its more uncontrolled and natural form. This can be pretty hard to follow, if you’re a guy whose best Malay friends prefer speaking English or is his old Malay teacher (proper BM all the way!)

I feel like an alien, but I don’t want to be. Will I be fully accepted in this country I live in, or will I bloom only in the fringes of its society – with other fellas like me? What I want is to be accepted, not simply on the basis of my abilities and talents, or on my ideals, but simply by virtue of who I am – the good, the bad, the weird and the ugly.

If it doesn’t, that will be pretty sad, but it’ll be okay anyway.

The smell of diesel and cigarette smoke lingered in the air, clinging jealously to our clothes. You can forget us but we’re still here.

Grace

2011-01-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

Just like Harry Potter to Dumbledore or Fernando Torres to Kenny Daglish, we all inevitably have people in our lives that we look up to as stable, reliable characters. And we treat these people as examples - but not only to effect a change in our own behaviour, but in themselves they provide us with some kind of psychological anchor. Such people have a calming effect.

And yet, from time to time, we may become disillusioned with some of them. They turn out to be less reliable and more human than our original impressions. This can be quite upsetting. I can foresee, in part, that Torres in particular and Liverpool fans in general are going to be quite disillusioned with Daglish over time.

BUT THEN hor, if we allow ourselves to think carefully, we realize that this is in no part any fault of theirs at all! In fact, it is all simply because we have formed incorrect conclusions about the people in question in the first place. We realize, then, that we're not all that different. They have problems, blind spots and weaknesses, just like ourselves - and once we realize this, we can overlook our crushed impressions and build our relationships on more solid ground. It is only when we know each other's ugly sides and accept them that we can build relationships that truly stand the test of time.

This is why I think sometimes that grace must be in part an exercise in truth. Grace is afforded to accept and love one another in spite of our failings because we are aware of certain important truths: that we are all sinful and fallen beings in our own measure, and that we are all recipients of Grace in the first place. The corollary of such truths would be that we are to live graciously.

So the question for me, of course is whether I've been living that way to its fullest extent. The answer, of course, is no - which is perfectly understandable but also very silly of me.

Jingle Bells

2010-12-28T03:28:00.000-08:00

So recently a friend remarked to me that she can't really "tell what I've been up to" by reading my blog, because I don't really talk about what's been going on. Hm, why not give it a try.

So I've been on holiday for almost a week now - though it feels like much more than a week has passed since we overcame (or rather, were overcome by) our last paper, Professional Writing.

Christmas season was an especially happy one this year - I had a great dinner at home on the 24th. It was very nice to be able to pitch in my little skill-less help into the less-than-frenetic-as-usual Christmas dinner preparations. The dinner itself was really pleasant as I got to meet up with many old kawan-kawans and make new friends too.

Christmas itself was a really special day - Melaka Gospel Chapel put together an excellent Christmas Night. Besides being well prepared, I felt that it was genuine and sincere from start to finish - really touching and an appropriate way to present ourselves to the community.

On Boxing Day, a few of us participated in the Melaka Charity Run 2010. Clocked an okayy time of 28 minutes considering that I was running blind and didn't pace myself so well for the start. More importantly, a few of my churchmates ran their first ever race, which is always an awesome experience. Hope that they'll discover running to be a fulfilling endeavour just as I have.

So what have I been doing since then? Well, things have been pretty slow :( I've been reading a lot, especially some editions of The Economist. It's so analytical and insightful to the extent where I really really enjoy reading it. The level of reporting from our sycophantic mainstream media really pales in comparison.

Besides that, there hasn't been anything particularly fruitful about my post-Christmas. I've been progressively waking up later and later (10am today).

At the same time, Year 2 sem 3 has already begun to metaphorically knock on our doors. Our lecturer for Malaysian Literature in English has already emailed us one of our assignments, which is to write a critical review/analysis of a locally produced play. Ding dong!

The next semester may be a fortnight away, but it's there waiting for me: Fresh responsibilities in Kampar Gospel Hall, a potentially challenging academic semester, a running club to start, races to run, a Fellowship to be a part of, a committee to hand over and hopefully, more meaningful relationships to be made and deepened.

But that's for the future - I'd better settle the present first. Tomorrow, I'll get up early, go for a run, walk the dog, go for an early breakfast with parents and come back to clean the house before I let myself go reading again. And to top it all off, I'll end the day by watching Liverpool vs Wolves - don't let me down, mates!

Let's bring some order to our private lives.

The 20th Birthday Mile

2010-12-16T18:08:00.000-08:00

If life is like a marathon, then I suppose that birthdays must be the distance markers along the route.

Twenty!!

Well, I've just hit the 20 mile marker on what I suppose must be my ultra-marathon of undefined distance. But hey, so what's the deal with birthdays and distance markers?

One thing about birthdays and distance markers, they're not really anything in themselves. Unlike bread, water and power gel stations, or toilets, they don't physically supplement you with anything. That is to say, if I were an organic robot that still needed nourishment, I would still need all of these things, but not the distance markers.

By the same virtue, birthdays are not things in themselves. They are not like lectures, tutorials, training sessions, sermons, exams or graduations. In other words, they're not what "really counts".

In spite of this, most runners think distance markers are important, and most people think birthdays are very important! Why?

The analogy continues. Distance markers help you know where you stand in a race. By knowing your time and distance traveled, you can tell whether you've run the race well thus far. Have things gone according to plan? Are you where you think you should be? Then you can make adjustments - whether to increase your pace or slow down if you're going too fast. For a junior runner like me, I get the kicks from seeing distance markers because it makes me think: "Wow! I've actually ran this far!".

I think you see where I'm going now. How you run near the distance marker isn't minutely as important as how you run the last 5km. How you live your birthdays then are nothing much in themselves - what is most important is how we live our other 364 days. But then again, we're human, and humans need milestones. Humans need to think and reflect on how they've been living and where they're heading. Birthdays are a special time that does that for you, if you let it.

My 20th birthday has probably been the best ever, not because of the celebrations, which were muted because of the exams. It's the best because of how I've run since the last distance marker. I started this marathon poorly, you know (most of us do), but I've finally learnt the secret of how to run a real race and I've been running like never before.

So I have two birthday wishes: one for myself and one for you, my friend.

The first, that I keep learning how to run better and better until the day I reach the finish line. Preferably, I won't stop.

The second is that we'll all be together there at the end.

Soulmate

2010-12-13T08:10:00.000-08:00

Am I that different?

I think I'm certainly unique, but at the same I'm not really that one of a kind.

Errr..

Am I contradicting myself?

Oh yes! Paradox. But whatever la. To me, how I see myself isn't that important. It is written, "For where you treasure is, there your heart is also" - meaning that which we seek as the object of our desires will in turn define who we are.

So what do I want most of all?

Sometimes I get really lonely. Not lonesome (which implies being miserable), but lonely. It is normally the result of spending a protracted period of time contemplating scripture. This is no joke. I will get filled with the desire of wanting to pour everything out to someone, but at the same time I feel that guarded feeling of being unable to tell anyone.

What I need/want is a soulmate(s). You know, people that I can tell absolutely everything to, and who would understand more than I can put in words. By the same token, I'd hopefully do the same for him/her.

Of course, the world isn't just divided into a dichotomy of soulmates vs others. After becoming a real Christian I've come to be in fellowship with many brothers and sisters. In Christ we have a very special thing in common which runs so deep - it cannot be compared to stuff like being fans of the same football club or having similar tastes in music.

This is why it perplexes me that not all Christians are instantly my soulmates. I have met Christians that I feel an incredible resonance with. And I've experienced such resonance with lots of authors through their written work too.

Perhaps it is because while our struggles are common, each fight is unique. Our battles against sin are different, because we have different propensities towards different kinds of temptations. Our backgrounds are varied.

And then there's also the fact that the world isn't divided into a dichotomy of Christians and non-Christians either. Rather, there is a spectrum that we all fall in at one point or another. After all, this has to be the case if we are to make sense of the fact that we constantly want to grow to be more like Christ (and therefore more Christian) every day.

I used to have a soulmate. Then circumstances pulled us apart, and our walks are different now.

I think it's okay to want companionship - that is a very primal desire that God puts in us. Of course, as I always say, our desires are Godly if put in line with the Creators' original purpose: to bring us closer to Him.

This is maybe why I think God is putting me through this arid stage of life. I think He wants me to draw closer to Him, and to find my desire for a soulmate fulfilled in Him. He certainly does fit the bill, in ways even greater than I expect.

It's His way of reminding me that His grace is, was, and always will be sufficient for me.

He Stands at the Door and Knocks

2010-12-13T05:29:00.001-08:00

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me"

- Revelations 3:20

"Here, then, is the crucial question which we have been leading up to. Have we ever opened our door to Christ? Have we ever invited him in? This was exactly the question which I needed to have put to me. For, intellectually speaking, I had believed in Jesus all my life, on the other side of the door. I had regularly struggled to say my prayers through the key-hole. I had even pushed pennies under the door in a vain attempt to pacify him. I had been baptized, yes and confirmed as well. I went to church, read my Bible, had high ideals, and tried to be good and do good. But all the time, often without realising it, I was holding Christ at arm's length, and keeping him outside. I knew that to open the door might have momentous consequences. I am profoundly grateful to him for enabling me to open the door. Looking back now over more than fifty years, I realise that that simple step has changed the entire direction, course and quality of my life"
John Stott

Reading this excerpt was moving indeed, as it made me remember the day I opened the door. And now I wonder how many of you reading this used to be like me, or used to be like Mr Stott.

Just Follow Law

2010-12-06T07:27:00.000-08:00

“Follow law la... no choice what!”

Some people like to talk like this, and they mean to say that laws are non-optional. You don’t have a choice!

But I don’t think so - laws are always optional, because you can always choose to break it what. However, you can say that laws are non-negotiable. In that it means that when you break a law, there is a logical follow up or consequence.

Now, we Christians have a law – it’s called the law of Christ and it is summed up simply as a “commandment to love others” (Galatians 6:2, c.f. John 13:34). In the same way as with other laws, this is optional but non-negotiable. It’s optional in that you can choose not to care about others, or not to even care about trying to love one another, that is clear.

Yet, how is it non-negotiable? Look at the words “law” and “commandment” – the Bible isn’t joking around. The fact is, if you want to prove that you are His disciples, or in other words, ‘Christians’, then you have to love one another (1 John 2,3). Not negotiable. If you choose to take the option of not actively loving others rather than being obsessed with yourself, then sorry, the consequence is that you forfeit your right to be called a Christian in its fullest sense.

Not because I say so, but because Scripture says so. Look into it and prove me wrong if you think otherwise.

I’m not out to brand some as ‘real’ Christians and some as ‘fake’ – I have no such divisive purposes. All I want you to do is ask yourselves whether you’re living up to God’s name (Christ-ians bear the name of God in their titles) or you’re just pretending.

You figure it out for yourselves, and if you still can’t, ask Him – He sure know one.

Wake up!

2010-12-02T18:46:00.000-08:00

Sleeeeeeeeeep. We've been doing a lot of it (some of us more, and some of us less :P) our whole lives, but we still don't get bored of it. I know I'd get bored if I tried playing 7-8 hours of StarCraft 2 a day for ~~all my life~~ ~~for a year~~ ~~a couple of months~~ just a single day, so obviously sleep must be super good right. I think. Whatever.

With too much stuff to do that tends to give me late nights, this sem has been a killer for my sleep life. For now I'm healthy as ever, but I know for sure I shouldn't keep this up for too long. Thank goodness short semesters end at Week 7, and now that there's no classes for some time I can stabilize my sleep.. I think.

Sleep early, wake up early, run!

Home

2010-11-26T07:56:00.000-08:00

Today at Bible Study/Prayer Meeting we sang a few songs. Many of them were about the life that is to come, and the hope we place in them - with one in particular that really moved me.

It's an old country song, like all the songs that we sang during the meeting - and though I've been exposed to many modern worship songs with elaborate instrumental arrangements, I don't ever recall being so moved by a single song before in a long, long time. So we sang together in that room (no harmonizing) with Uncle Samson hacking away at his guitar:

"This world is not my home, I'm just a-passing thru'

My treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue,

The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

O Lord, I know I have no Friend like you

If Heaven's not my home, O Lord what will I do?

The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore."

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqRpyG0W96k&feature=related)

Today has been a different day for me. As you might be able to tell from my previous post, I've been thinking about all the things I've been getting involved with around me. Just today, I celebrated a sister's birthday, I ran 11km with the uncles, I read Scripture, I started planning for a big upcoming event, I thought about next week's CF session that I'll also be co-chairing and I went to Bible Study/Prayer Meeting to have fellowship and to build the church.

Yes, these are all things I value. I value my brothers and sisters, and my friends. I value the challenge of improving myself through running. I value these events that I believe can enrich other people's lives, as a corollary of being light and salt. I value the CF as the Christian presence on campus. I value the church that so gracefully accepted me and gave me a foundation of fellowship in Kampar. I value the experience of deepening one's insight in His word.

Yet, at a moment like this all of these are overwhelmed with a singular longing, which is to be in Heaven at the side of Jesus - who is a dear friend like no other

"Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Commitments

2010-11-26T00:33:00.001-08:00

I don't think there's a single thing that I'm involved in or that I'm busy with that I don't believe in.

In fact, I only say yes to things that I have a real conviction about: things that I really believe in and are important to me.

The problem is, I realize that this isn't exactly the best modus operandi either because the ideal situation is that we have many convictions - about God, about society, about our academic life, about our family and even about the environment, but if we start heavily involving ourselves in every single thing that we have convictions about, we'll probably just be overworked and maybe produce poor results in many of those things.

"See a need, meet a need" - not a motto that we can operate with. There is just too much need in this broken and incomplete world - too much even for everybody to handle, and what aggravates matters is that only a minority of people are stepping up to the plate.. I'm not sure what the rest are doing.

So how ah? On my own part, I need to assess priorities while I still can while asking God for strength. And well, if you're reading this and you feel that you're not doing much.. wanna give it a shot?

The Small Gate and the Narrow Road

2010-11-22T20:15:00.000-08:00

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

These days it has really struck me just how small the gate and narrow the road it really is - and it makes me feel very sad indeed, that so many people don't want to find it.

But you know what? In spite of being small and narrow, it is very beautiful, and the place that it leads to is even more beautiful.

Sometimes I don't know why people don't walk this way, and I don't know why people can't even take their eyes off that big path that leads to destruction. It makes me think of the winding, mazy path that leads to that beautiful sanctuary of Rivendell, in contrast with the colossal black gate that leads to the black lands of Mordor.

But I guess that's where we come in. I'm not exactly the best guide, but I do know the way to the narrow path, because the greatest Guide of all has brought me there. Through I know how to get there, it might be quite hard for me to lead others, but then maybe in the midst of trying, the original Guide will appear and take over - He knows I'm not that good on my own.

Thank God for God

2010-11-16T04:02:00.000-08:00

Strictly speaking, there is a distinction between help that comes from God and help that comes from the people around you. However, we can't ever limit His flexibility, and I dare say I thank God for being who He is, and bringing the right people at the right time to come and say the right words and do the right things, totally without realising it.

Thank you God for being God, and when the chips are down my short-sightedness gets a little better and I can see You for who You are.

Who will He send me next, a Timothy to nurture, or a Paul to rebuke? Maybe Priscilla and Aquila to show care, or an Epaphras to be a fellow-prisoner. Perhaps even a nameless good Samaritan.

Never limit God, my friends, and never limit how He uses the people in your midst.

Open Invitation

2010-11-12T22:58:00.000-08:00

In our most recent CF meeting we were challenged by the Andrew & Mun Yee (invited speakers) to think of whether we had wronged anyone and apologize to them, but only if we were ready to do so.

I couldn't think of anyone that I might have wronged in any real way. This is quite worrisome for me :(

I couldn't think of anyone who has really wronged me either.

Mun Yee added a twist later on by suggesting that we also think of who we want to thank, if we were ready...

The sensation was like a flood. So many of the brethren in the room had done something real and good for or to me at one point or another.

At any rate, I kept my silence, except to reciprocate when people came to thank me for something.

Somehow I guess I didn't think it was the right time for me to start thanking others - I'd rather let things first come to their full measure, or wait for that inevitable point in time when, as dear friends who've walked together, we have to part ways.

Yup, graduation, whether it's other's or mine, we would have to part.

And I don't want to leave things hanging. It's still quite worrisome that I can't think of any way in which I've really wronged any of you.. but if I did, it's not what I intend or want (present tense here)

So I beseech you guys to tell me in case I'm dumb enough not to notice - cos I'm quite dumb what. Let's not leave anything unsettled before we part, for your sake and for mine. Please?

How do you measure a heart?l

2010-11-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

How do you measure a heart, and what is its’ worth?

Occasionally we hear it said that we are to seek God with all our heart, and that it is our hearts that God desires.

But somehow, I catch myself wondering whether my heart is of any worth at all to begin with.

I tell you the truth, because the truth is at least something of real value that I know I can give.. and the truth is I don’t really understand what is in a heart to begin with.

”The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

Jeremiah 17:9

Are we measured by the intensity of our feelings? Or defined by the things that we long for? What?

In spite of the fact that I have no understanding, my heart is dear to me and I feel it… and somehow I also feel that this alone isn’t enough. I really do.

And this is an idea that I’ve been struggling and praying about for some time, so that now something has occurred to me, and it is this:

I think that we are somehow wired to think that being alone is insufficient. There is no such thing as absolute independence. The fact that my heart is dear to me alone is not enough to live with and I think that this is the same for you too, dear reader. What we crucially need lies beyond this, and is to know that our hearts are dear to others.

This is why people without love or people who do not realize that they are loved, live in such a broken manner. This is why people with a loving family are more likely to stand tall in times of trial. This is also why people of the world pursue romantic love as the highest ideal and as the pinnacle of what it means to be human.

We Christians, we’re different, though. It is our commission to love one another, but we believe that this desire for Another and for our hearts to be recognized and cherished by that Other, isn’t put into us simply for us to find its fulfillment through worldly or humanly means that do not last.

This thirst for love is to direct us to our Lord, who himself said:

“Everyone who drinks shall be thirsty again, but whomsoever shall drink the water I give unto him shall never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

John 4:14

If you’re reading this and you also have that thirst for love, then you needn’t thirst any longer. There is a God of Love with enough for all of us. If He carried me, I know that He will carry you too. All you need to do is ask Him. This is also the Truth.

For myself, this Truth makes me realize that yes, my heart is of great value! Simply because the Lord asks for it first above all the others things that are in my possession.

And this also is the Truth.

A square peg in a round hole.

2010-10-30T08:37:00.001-07:00

Yes, so I realize my thoughts are rather esoteric.

But it remains that they are mine, and are part of what makes up who I am.

At first I thought that this makes it harder for me to bridge the gap between the hearts and minds of others and myself... but then hor, this is only partially true.

Being different doesn't stop me from understanding others, I think, not when I make a phenomenal effort (at the very least, an effort effort effort!) to listen and be able to empathize with others

But what about whether people can understand me?

Uhh.. I think it will be very nice la, because everybody wants to be understood, and I am no exception but while it's important, maybe it's also not that important.

After all, who am I? At the very least I am certain that I want to devote myself to others, and in doing so, must I not logically seek to love, more than to be loved, and to understand, more than to be understood?

That at least I can do, I think.

And maybe it is worth something, to be a glimmer of light in the deep.

How I fell in love

2010-10-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

Some people describe life as a journey.

In many ways they are right, but I do think that at some points the analogy breaks down. For one thing, it is certainly not exactly a continuous journey like in the picture above.

For some reason we can backtrack some parts we've walked earlier, and for some reason, we HAVE to! Here is where the paradox lies, that sometimes in backtracking a little, we progress further in the journey of life.

In my life, there are some parts I know I should never go back to. Those rocky parts of the road where I was childish, selfish, stupid, arrogant, a liar... you name it. The memory endures, of course, and by doing so always makes me aware of the grace that God has granted me - that He would choose someone who had walked such paths. I would be lying unless I said that those traces of those elements in themselves also endure, though I'd like to think that every day I've been casting them away as I empty myself of myself and try to fill it with Christ.

But the particular stretch of road that I need to find again is simply this: How I fell in love with Him in the first place. It is that crucial intersection that has originally brought me to the path I'm currently walking. Being a person constantly doing things, I need to remember why I'm doing these things in the first place.

Today I went to Sunday school to help out. It's been 2-3 months since I've officially "retired" as a Sunday school helper/teacher at Kampar Gospel Hall. I retired after trying to serve for more than a year and yet feeling unsuited for the ministry, due to my limited linguistic capabilities. That was also the time when I was giving my all for the Christian Fellowship.

I think my decision still stands: God has given me sturdy convictions about the Christian Fellowship and without any shame I say that the passion I have shown to this date speaks for itself. At the same time, my Cantonese or Mandarin still hasn't been getting to the level required of a Sunday school teacher here in Kampar.

But something remarkable happened today in Sunday School.

It was nice talking to all the kids again, and talking to the parents. Even Sau Yee, the girl who calls me "Zirafah" seems to have grown taller. Being exceptionally tall for a standard 2 girl, I wonder if she herself will be a giraffe one day.

I didn't do anything important. Uncle Samson played the guitar. I basically did sai kang: move stuff, clean stuff, help one kid remove his sticky lollipop wrapper.. and of course simply be their friend. Since I haven't been to Sunday School in a while, some of them missed me.

And yeah, I missed them too.

Oh, I said something remarkable happened right? Ok la maybe it's not that remarkable, but in a weird way, it is to me.

Sunday School was how I began "serving God" here in Kampar. It was different for me because I've been awkward everywhere I've been up till the point when I arrived here, but here it was like starting afresh, and I started by working with the children. Until I came to Kampar, I was far from an exemplary Christian, and had no real concept of serving God in my life.

Yet here I am, with a heart to serve. Not that I am worthy, or not that I deserve anything, but simply because I have been chosen.

And it all started there, with those little kids up on the cemented upper floor of the church building. I tell you ah, I really love them so much.

And in remembering that again, somehow I've moved another step ahead.

Happy Birthday Ma

2010-10-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

A few days ago was my mom's birthday, and I wrote this for her.

-------

Hi Ma, this is for you:

Specially for Mama

My Mummy was born on this day years ago

A little baby in Singapore

And at that time, how lil’ did she know

The things she had in store

She grew up - a baby into a lady

And one day met my Pa

When they fell in love she didn’t say maybe

Got married in Malaysia

There must have been many an adventure

Inserted into their story

Each memory itself a jeweled treasure

They submit to the Father’s glory.

Yet there must be a particular highlight

Something above the rest

A part of Ma’s life that nothing can fight

Her children: they are the best!

Not that I’m giving myself applause

I couldn’t stoop so low

But I think we are the best because

Mama treated us so.

-------

Hi ma, thank you so much for loving us and caring for us so far in our lives.

I don’t know how I can ever repay you in any real way – but I know I can try my best to be a good man of God that both you and Papa can be proud of. I just like you to know that I know both you and Papa always try to be the best parents you can be for us and I’ll continually look forward to those times when I can come home. Do not worry, whatever place Mama and Papa are at will always be home to us, just as we are always your children.

Your beloved son, Ah Derk

Honestly

2010-10-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

"Assuredly I say unto you, whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God as a child will by no means enter it"

What I need is..

Less pride and more real humility.

Less doubt and more love,

Less of myself and more of others,

And more of God.

Home, with a difference.

2010-10-01T05:05:00.000-07:00

Here I am, home in Melaka.

It's always a little unreal to be back. I always get this feeling like I haven't been back in a long time. It's an awkward confluence of both the familiar and the alien - I somehow feel that I am a stranger, but a stranger in a place that is steeped with memories and connections. And after a short while of floating in a distance, I settle back into those familiar memories and connections - and I'm home again.

The truth is that I've been here a mere 3 weeks ago during study break, but as I always say, our experience of time is not simply a matter of the passing of seasons or of hours or of days - it is also a matter of what happens within that physical span of time.

A significant three weeks? Why, certainly. I grappled with exams and tried (and to a large extent failed) to focus with the kind of concentration that I aspire to. I presented all my worries, anxieties, cares and supplications to Him. I grew much closer in my walk with many of the brethren here. I grew to rely on Him all the more, and He chose to reveal to me more about the kind of man He wants me to be - not simply a collection of abstract principles but a concrete manifestation of these ideals.

There was the committee retreat, where I decided to never again back down from confronting our problems. I will pray, think, talk, discuss and ACT upon them. We cannot let this slide. When you see the smoke, do not say that there is no fire - look for it and put it out, because the fire burns the tree which is the family of God, and that is far too precious to me and to us and most of all, to Him.

So yes, in a few hours, I will settle down again into the familiarity of Home, but this time, it is Home with a difference, that I am here to make myself different for Him. Can I walk closer with Him in the next 11 days, and in doing so be genuinely nearer to being a true man of God?

I commit myself to persevering in His word, and in doing so, may I bear fruit that is pleasing in His eyes. Please pray for me.

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is."

And there it is, I see it and understand.

Still Awake

2010-09-24T04:03:00.000-07:00

In the middle of the night

Not a single soul in sight

Not the slightest sound to hear

So what can there be for me to fear?

But though all sense and feel be naught

There’s a sense that can’t be fought

Lay there deep within a man

Surpassing doubt, thought or plan

In it I am found, and equally lost

Past all prize and beyond all cost

It purrs and burns in no small part

It is the cry of the deep, dear heart.

Buy the Truth and do not sell it

2010-09-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

I can understand why people say "Ignorance is bliss", but this is more the lament of a broken-hearted person rather than a life principle that we can live by.

Does the truth cause heartache? It certainly does, in some situations. But I do know also that people's hurts are very often exacerbated by the fact that they've been living in the lie longer. If I were to draw another graph, the longer you've been in the lie, the more hurtful it'll be when you realize the truth.

The truth can hurt, but I would say that ignorance hurts more.

Truth(s), be they absolutes or relatives (and let's not get into an epistemological spat here) are things that exist externally from ourselves. It's there, whether we like it or not, and I think when we love the truth, accept it and live by it, then our lives become more real (or should I say, become more true).

"I am the way, the truth and the life," He says, and so we see here how being the way and the truth and the life are not concepts that exist independently but are intrinsically related. Follow the way which is (and because it is) the truth that brings life.

Am I just talking about some abstract Christian principle here? Well in a way I obviously am, but don't buy into the misconception that not everything about Christianity has to do with all our lives (and by all our lives I mean ALL). My conviction is that everything in the Bible is very personal and relevant to all of us, it is just a matter of how we understand it.'

Let's have a "real life" example, just to illustrate my point. For one thing, I was ignorant about just how hard the Research Methodology final paper is, until Renjie instigated me to go check out the past year papers. It was pretty shocking and I am sure with the level of understanding I had yesterday I would've screwed it up pretty badly.

Knowing the truth of the matter helped unsettle me and galvanize me to study harder: which is what I've been doing and which is what I'm gonna do for the rest of today. I do wish I knew a little earlier but hey, no point thinking about that, I'm just gonna make the best out of the hours I got left. If it's going to be a battle, I'd like to at least know I'm in it for one.

In conclusion, we must not only accept but actively seek the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may make us.

"Buy the truth and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline and understanding."

King Solomon, Proverbs 23:23

Research Methodology & HIMYM

2010-09-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

Since I am studying for my Research Methodology paper, which is on Tuesday, I thought I'd do a pilot project on something that appears to be increasingly relevant in our modern society.

Basically, How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) is an American situation comedy that is six seasons long - kind of like Friends except that it's just legendddd-dary. Lots of people are watching it these days, including UTAR students studying for their finals.

Now kids, the story of how i met How I Met Your Mother is a story I'm gonna have to save for some other time - suffice to say that I blame it all on florencetina.

But I've stopped watching for some time now thanks to a combination of exam pressure, an increased passion for music and *coughcough* that florence didn't give me the whole set so I've watched what I have finish liao :3

Back to Research Methodology now, I've come up with a study that has revealed some shocking (well, not really) statistics about the relationship between student's GPA and watching HIMYM. This is a longitudinal study over the course of three weeks from the beginning of study week.

The results are shown below.

Having watched four seasons, it would appear as if I am heading towards a negative GPA this semester. I'm hoping that the external validity of this study is screwed up.

N.B. No respondents were harmed during the course of this study. I think.

Wah lao weh

2010-09-15T05:01:00.000-07:00

Argh I can feel myself falling asleep already.

Two papers down and 3 to go, and I got 6 days before my next one.

Today's paper was quite okay I guess - I DO have my complaints about the paper, but I'll save it for the next time I meet Mr. Soh, if I complain I ought to complain in a constructive manner.

Sibeh tiring lah, *Yawns*

Now that I've got some gap time, I hope to able to keep this space alive a little. Blogs can be really nice thing if we fill it up meaningfully.

So what's up with exam seasons? It sure is a really awkward time, huh?

I can be so inconsistent during exam season, I feel. One moment I feel like it'll all be fine, one moment I feel a little guilty about not studying enough, one moment I feel great, one moment I feel kancheong, or one moment, like now, I feel like I just want to collapse into bed.

Well, there are a few things I've committed to that have been working out - I've been reading my Bible and setting aside time for prayer every day now even when I don't feel like it.

The right mood or feel or passion or whatever you call it - that can be important but what we have to learn is commitment and perseverance. Emotions will be emotions, you can let them lift you as high as they will, but what will keep you up when the cyclic waves turn downwards?

At any rate, it's bed time.

Sleep tight.

Sometimes,

2010-09-01T09:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes

I'm all head and no heart

Sometimes

I just lose my head

So everything falls apart

Why do I think I'm a walking contradiction. Looks like I need to go looking again.

Declaration of Dependence.

2010-08-27T03:48:00.000-07:00

It is the 27^th of August, 2010. Although Malaysia’s national day is in 4 days time, yesterday was the special occasion that I declared my own, personal “Independence Day”.

This is because I finally submitted my PTPTN documents and finished my last piece of coursework (a presentation). “Independence” might be too strong a word to use in this case – the saga is from over. My complexified PTPTN application process (irregular qualifications) is still subject to some board meeting that will finally decide on whether its valid or not (oh, wishy washy administration! D: ) and finals begin in just over 2 weeks!

Still, it felt incredible to finally get this all over with – I’m going to take a break this weekend to catch up on my sleep, prepare for next week’s CF and oh yeah, I’m teaching in KGH’s Youth Fellowship this weekend. Just a rest-up before plunging myself into exam season.

But I guess I really want to make this post because of a few things that I’m pretty grateful for, and a few things that I’ve become aware of.

Lots of things happened when I was applying for the loan. First of all, the loan is important to me but straight up I admit I got could be less negligent about things – such as how I didn’t print the explanatory notes for ‘O’ and ‘A’ level results (which was required because its not a Malaysian qualification) and how I didn’t know I had to strike out this or that. And my signing & agreement session was the last day (set aside for the FAS) and I went pretty late (had a presentation before).

In the end, they had to take so long to process my unusual application that I just sorta made it in time before they closed. In that case I’m grateful that somehow, when I was lining up, the line suddenly moved super fast so that I could reach the officer in time to find out that I needed the exp notes and so had the time to go back, fetch, copy and certify them. And I mean like, the 3 rows moved in 10 minutes, as opposed to in the morning when it reportedly took an hour to move 3 rows of applicants!

As I began walking back to Westlake in my full formal attire (black) and under the scorching sun, the only thought going through my mind that I was immensely thankful to God that I had like 1.5 hours to come back with the documents – it would only take me about 45 minutes if I walked quickly and then cycled from home. Hot? Nevermind loh, its like that one mah.

It’s at that moment when I heard a “Beep!” sound coming from behind – it was Mr Renu’s car horn.

“Ngee Derk! What’re you doing walking? Come in la!”

MANNN I was really really happy at that moment and in the end, I managed to submit all my documents without a hitch and talk with the PTPTN officers, who were really nice and helpful people.

So what’s the point of this rather long story? That night, Eric, Renjie, Edmund and I met up for worship practice and Eric chose to begin by asking us about where we stand in our walk with God. His point was that if we’re going to lead with worship we need to examine our relationship and set ourselves right before Him (among many other points). I felt it was good of him to think this way – I wonder how many people are conscious of the gravity of what worship means before they “go about” it – and having a sound relationship with Him gives you that consciousness, I think.

“For obedience is better than sacrifice”

Furthermore, to conduct a worship “session” in a manner pleasing to God we would have to be very much worshipping in the fullest sense of the word – which is a matter of how we choose to think, act, speak and live in respect to Him.

So I thought about what had happened earlier that afternoon. God really surprises a lot you know, and sometimes you don’t pray for certain needs (because you either don’t expect them or rather, as in my case, I think sometimes I’m too silly to realise I need some things) but God knows them perfectly and does as He sees fit.

Conversely, sometimes we pray for things that we don’t need or that might even be bad for us. Sometimes we know it’s bad for us but we still pray for it. Stupid, right? But that’s what we are from time to time. In my case, God has made sure I didn’t get them, and much later gave me the realization that such requests are not good for me anyway.

Of course, I always insert the clause “Let Your will be done” and “Do as You see fit” in my prayers, because I understand that God’s ways are far above that of Men. So maybe I’m not TOO stupid. Ok ok *pats myself on the back*

Praying is not simply a matter of gratifying or satisfying wants, as some people might sometimes put it. I think, prayer teaches us a lot about God and how He wants to relate to each and every one of us. It pulls us closer to abide in Him because He reminds us of just how much we are living by His grace and not our own strength. And I think I can think of nothing better to ask for than what has already been given: His grace and salvation that comes through Jesus Christ.

This is my Declaration of Dependence – to gladly accept the hand that is stooping down from much higher places to just to give us that lift that we can’t get by ourselves.

So, will my PTPTN loan be passed and accepted? Will I make it past the finals well enough? What about next semester, or the next? What about the upcoming Evangelistic Meeting, the Christian Fellowship, or Kampar Gospel Hall? What will I do after graduating?

The answers will come in time but I think you know where or from whom I will seek them.

The sun rises on a new day

2010-08-15T02:25:00.000-07:00

"I will not accuse forever, nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me - ....

... I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel. Peace, peace to those far and near," says the Lord, "and I will heal them"

And so there's hope for all of us - not because of anything we've done or can do, but by grace.

Going Up and Coming Down

2010-08-12T19:07:00.002-07:00

Sometimes you go somewhere looking for something, and find something else.

And to your surprise, what you find might be of more valuable than the thing you seek.

As a brother from Tanah Rata shared, our God is a God of surprises.

Jensen thought he was getting away from all the birthday-ish stuff by going up. He didn't quite get to, and found a Guns & Roses CD instead. Haha.

But seriously. I went up Cameron full of expectations about relaxing and having a lot of unconventional fun. I went up seeking respite from what has frankly been a few unbearable weeks, in terms of workload (at least, according to my admittedly low threshold of what constitutes 'unbearable'). Now I DID find it, but I also realized something more.

Come to me, all you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I shall give you rest

How ironic then that most of the work that has been bonking me out centers around His ministry. I really need to think and pray about how I approach this. On one hand, we are not to be fair-weather Christians - but well, if the extent of work jeopardizes my own personal walk with God, then I either need to handle my time better or learn how to say No to more responsibilities, or both.

I fell sick in Cameron, and I had to be sent to the hospital to be treated. Now normally you'd see that as a pretty big bummer right? I suppose it was, for the parts when I was like ughhhdyingggg like on the way to the hospital and when I was being treated, but you know ah, it's not really a bad thing you know.

In a really weird way, I was sorta happy as I lay sick on the bed in our chalet. My friends were taking such good care of me I couldn't have smiling. It's like being at home. 4 years in CJCH and a year in Westlake and I don't recall being taken care of so well. That's the worst part about being sick away from home because your family isn't there for you, but up there, it was like I was with family anyway :)

Christians call each other brothers and sisters, and it's not just for show, not when a bond is made through the blood of Jesus.

Wouldn't change a single thing that happened up there. Seeya next time :)

IIR 2010

2010-07-24T00:31:00.001-07:00

Hah.. 6 days after the race, I now got a winkling of time to post something about the past race.

IIR stands for Ipoh International Run, which about 15 friends and I took part in on the 18th of July. Among my contact list, Kelvin Wong and Jensen Chen are two of them.

Well I don't really feel like blogging about the run anymore, mainly because I already did a write-up for our running club website: Team Miracle Mile!

Once the website's worked things out I'll post the link here eheh heh heh.

Life has been pretty hectic recently, at least by my standards (it may not be considered hectic to people who are better organised). I need to orrrrgannise myself pleassse.

Spend every moment knowing that I can use it for the glory of the Almighty.

And so here I go! Wish me the best!

Hanging over

2010-07-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

I feel... a bit funny. I think it's post World Cup syndrome.

And it ended in such anti-climatic fashion too, Spain pulling off their magic again? Not really. was it 7 goals for the whole tournament? 8? Nobody's counting.

Still, the World Cup is the World Cup - everybody coming together to watch the action, the drama.. all that stuff. In a way I'm glad it's over though, it is seriously not good for anybody to sleep at 530am more than once in a blue moon. Totally screwing with the internal clock.

So maybe that's what's bothering me. I feel weird and restless and lazy. Good thing Ipoh International Run is coming up, I'm gonna have to train and maybe perk myself up.

Lifestyle, lifestyle!

There is a Mountain

2010-07-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

I want to be a teacher, true story!

Recently I was having the "So what do you want to do after uni?" chat with a freshie and she remarked: "Wow, I've never met anyone who wants to become a teacher like how you do!" with a big smile.

Yeap, I want to teach. And I get excited when thinking about it and can't wait. (Experienced teachers tell me not to get overly excited, and to enjoy my uni life as much as possible - I think they're right)

The thing is, I guess I've never really been a purpose driven person. Prior to beginning my uni life I've been a floater of epic proportions. It doesn't help that I studied Knowledge & Inquiry and Literature. Abstract concepts seem to occupy such a significant part of my psyche that I always to delay or procrastinate the nitty gritty stuff, like paperwork, applications and the ilk. This is one part of my life that seriously need to grow too - I don't think I'll be of much use ruminating on an armchair. Meanwhile, the thing I've decided on is to be as useful as possible to needy people (as a teacher).

In other words I need to learn to bite myself and sit down and really grind out work whenever I have to - I'm incredibly weak in this, while some people already know how to do this from the age of 12 or whatever.

Important that may be, but it's not the main point of this post.

I want to teach in Malaysia, seriously. Because I think there's such a need. It makes more sense to want to be useful where the need is greater - simply because I guess it's a good way to think, and if everybody thought that way instead of pursuing the path of greatest pleasure, maybe the world would be a better place. That being said, I suppose in a way I AM pursuing the path of greatest pleasure, because I can't really think of anything that gives me more pleasure than the idea that I'm being useful in empowering other people. The way I see it, absolute altruism is unachievable, but the best thing people can do is marry their interests with the good of others, such that their 'selfishness' also brings about positive change.

This is the selfishness that I profess, when the happiness of others is mine as well. I say this as an ideal of course, even though it's more achievable than altruism, it is still unbelievably tough to achieve. All I hope for is that day by day I slowly bridge the gap between my words and my true conduct, which is pretty wide.

Now, having said that, I'm brought to the concluding point of this post. When my friend said what she said to me, I realised that I must sound extremely enthusiastic, and I am! But I'm not blind to the fact that it's gonna be tough. There are just so many systemic weaknesses to our education system - stumbling blocks that have left us far behind Singapore (not that they're the best or that there aren't better examples around, just that I've got 4 years of experience there so I have the right to make comparisons). I'm not just going to finger the system, but I suppose teaching in itself will be really tough.

Moody as I am, I know I will get depressed, discouraged (prematurely), lazy or whatever. I might lose my passion from time to time. But passion and commitment are two different things - commitment is not a matter of emotions but character. And character is something that anyone can cultivate and access. So I'll have to rely on strength of character.

Of course, I have my family. I have my friends. I have God. Most of all, I have the realization that I need all of them to pull through.

I'm not on my own.

The Boss

2010-07-03T02:52:00.000-07:00

"Those in a position of authority define the world from their perspective."

So it's no surprise that at any level of leadership, leaders run a risk of falling out of touch with reality. Extreme case would be those crazy dictators who managed to persuade themselves that they are demi-Gods. (The list includes Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot... you know, those guys)

Now the point is why the heck am I posting this? Trying to sound chim? Or just to fill up an empty blog?

We need to remind ourselves. I saw the above line in a sociolinguistics book and I took it as a reminder to myself too, since I am somewhat in a position of authority. It is so incredibly easy to fall into a solipsistic (google solipsism) world view as a leader - so easy that it scares me and I need to ask myself if I'm doing things in the best interest of every brother and sister, and of course, in line with exactly what God wants me to do.

A narrow-minded head defeats the very purpose of having a leader. What? Leadership is just supposed to be something to add to your CV so you can get a job right? Or leadership is a great way for people without musical or performing arts talent to be able to get center stage and feed their self-esteem right?

WRONG! Leadership is a service and this is the basic premise of this whole post. If you fundamentally disagree, you can stop reading now. Leadership is not so much a privilege as it is a duty - a willing sacrifice of one's own time to be a focal point for the activities of a group. Leadership is also necessary. Even in my church where an equal priesthood of believers is emphasized, there are still those who have to assume leadership, simply because this is how we have to function as long as we're still in this world.

For a Christian, the Wrong in being a self-centered leader is perhaps even more severe than that of the secular. This is because it contradicts directly with the basic principles of humility, openness and care that are inherent in our belief system.

But then hor, we're human what. We can't help it if we fall into the trap of self-delusion to varying degrees. That's true.

So what we need is to have people who can check us, scold us and whack us if necessary. I desperately want my dearest friends to do this. For me to be scolded and to feel hurt by criticism is nothing compared to the cost of remaining ignorant of my wrongdoings or my failings, insofar as these are things that can and ought to be corrected.

There is God, of course, who can, through many ways choose to reprimand me. Thank God for that. Thank God for God? Hmm.

So, my friends, please?

Change underwear

2010-05-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

Okay friend Kannan just asked me why I deleted all the posts - while I've talked to him on msn already I thought it would make sense to explain why I decided to change things up.

Ah basically I'd like to stick to just blogging about ideas and take personal life out of it. I've heard many people talking about what other people write on their blogs (especially recently) and I just find it rather disturbing as in you have no idea who'll be reading your blog because basically anyone can.

But at the same time, this characteristic of blogging is just what makes it a good place to talk about ideas! Occasionally, I have something good to say that I think is good for people to think about, so you can expect more of this from here.

Yes, expect more posts up in the near future (:

I like

2010-05-06T01:23:00.000-07:00

This is my dog. His name is Pippin. Quite handsome right. He's my buddy. Even though we don't get to see each other very often since I'm away from home he's always really happy to see me come home. I think it might be because I talk with him a lot. My big sister likes to go talk to him too but she's not around that much so.

Hmm. Anyway this post isn't about him. This post is about animals.

I like animals you know. And yesterday I saw this dog and tried to make friends. It walked away from me at first (Bitch! haha) but then later it came back to let me just ngusap its head. Then today I saw this cat lying along the walkway near the Block C cafeteria and it let me rub it's head too.

I like animals. Yeah. And more than other people I think, I'm not drawn to them just cos like they're cute or anything. (*Cue shrieking girls, Eek eek*) I do la but more than that I like going up to them and looking into their eyes and seeing how they move around or react to us. It's nice because it's so.. different?

I think animals are straightforward. They don't have to think about complicated stuff or think about whether they look nice or whatever people think of them when we pass by or any of the other million superfluous things that pass through our minds all the time.

Yeah so it's nice to be with them, I think it helps untangle the snarls in my mind, and there are plenty. Hmmh. What d'you think?

I wandered lonely as a cloud

2010-03-24T04:00:00.000-07:00

After all these months, I don't even know what I'm thinking, posting this now. Yup I know I'm rushing deadlines, but today as I was eating dinner, I looked to the sky and time stood still.

The clouds looked really nice. I didn't have a nice camera so yeah I just grabbed this off the internet. The clouds i saw today looked nicer than this.

Anyway clouds are amazing. It was a still day so there wasn't much wind, and at times like that, the clouds just look so amazingly solid. We know that theyre not actually solid but from down here it just looks so still, bright and opaque at the same time.

I wonder what a cloud would feel, if it could feel - floating up there way and watching all these creatures, great and small, scurrying around with their daily business. Would it wish to be like us, or will it feel sorry for us, or will it just not care at all. At any rate, I wonder what it would feel like to be a cloud.